Monday, August 27, 2007

• Dreams

  Ugh. I dreamed so much last night. Way too much. I dreamed about Jenna and Lindsey. I dreamed I got suspended from school. I dreamed about cutting. Those are the dreams I HATE.

  Last night I cut a lot. Probably about 35 times. It was pretty bad. I had been fighting the urge all day... eventually I just cracked. When I cut the day before yesterday, it was deep. I got all dizzy and had a head ache. I scared the shit out of Lindsey. Today, when I cut again I got dizzy and my head ache got worse. I had been dizzy and had a head ache before I started, but they got way worse. I wonder what is wrong with me. Lindsey thinks I might be anemic. I looked it up on google. Basically it says to eat a lot of stuff with iron. All of the things it listed to eat I hate and everything it said not to eat I loved. So basically I need to limit my caffeine drinks, milk, chocolate, and I don't remember what else. I don't want to get too bad off. There is no way to get me to a doctor.

  I felt really bad after last night though. I was talking to Lindsey the whole times I was doing it. I remember saying something like I can't do this any more, I don't want to, I give up. The whole time she was having an urge. She never mentioned it and I talked about all kinds of horrible things.

  Anyway, after that was over we talked on AIM until 2 in the morning. It was great fun. I had to make a wish at 2:04. She said it was lucky. I accidently pushed the video button to see what happened  (nothing happened but I do have a webcam). Then I said, "I wonder what the talk button does." I pushed it and Lindsey accepted. She said, "Say something!" I leaned up to the thing and said, "Something." She says, "Augh! I can hear you!" So i talked to her like that all night long and she typed back. It was fun but kinda weird. A bit like talking to a wall. I talked quite a bit about my cutting. Out loud! That's a big thing for me because I rarely talk about it oYut loud. It was nice talking about it to Lindsey because she understands. Like, when I talk to Mark, he tried to understand but he doesn't really. You have to have been through some of this stuff to get it. He will never get it because he will never start cutting. Quite frankly, I don't want him to.

  Anyway, Lindsey is supposed to talk on the phone with me today. And she is going to hook the microphone up to her computer. So that will be cool.

  • 12:11 PM
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