I feel so alone today. I know I'm really not. I have people I could talk to if I want to, but I'm sick of worrying every one. I'm sick of ruining people's Saturday's. I don't want to be alone, but I'm sick of being a burden. I'd rather be destined to a life of being alone than burden every one. They say I don't, but I know I do. The shit I have to deal with burdens even me. I don't want to have to deal with it. I don't want this for myself, but here I am. I'm stuck. I hate it, but eh I have to deal with it. I kinda want to cut. But that'll just prove to every one that I can't be alone. Then they really won't trust me. My head keeps planning a big relapse. I want to just cut one more time. A lot. Then I think I'll be able to stop for a while. But no one will want me to do that. They think that it'll just turn me on to cutting even more and deeper. I don't know. Sometimes you have to make decisions for yourself. I think this is one of them. I can't decide whether or not to tell any one about it. Well, if any one reads this before I do they will definitely know I'm planning something. It won't do any one any good to try and talk me out of it though. What's meant to be, is meant to be. If it happens, it happens. I'll just have to deal with it. Alone. I'm not putting any one through the worries of knowing I'm going to get up and cut like I'm planning. If they knew, they'd try to stop me. I really don't want to be stopped. That was so pointless. That's just me rambling shit. Mama took me out for lunch today. I had a cowboy burger at Applebee's. I don't even want to think about all the calories I've had today. You'll never guess what she bought for supper? Ice cream. She told me how much money she makes today. I'm not going to say how much, but it's nearly double what my dad makes. It's a lot. She's like I hate working so much, but I have to so we can live in this nice house. I wish I didn't have to, because some things like you get neglected. I know you need me but I just can't right now. She was talking about me wanting to go to therapy with out actually saying the words. I'll never get to go. I might as well forget that. I'm going to have to get stitches or nearly die before they decide to do something about me. She told me to be patient. I'm sick of being patient. I think it was about a year ago that they caught me for the first time. I don't really remember. I'd rather not. Anyway. My stomach hurts. I need to be cleaning. I'm a lazy fat ass though. I bet I'll get a lot done today because I don't have any one to talk to. Every one is off this week end. Not their faults, more mine because I need a life. Oh... a guy I met a few weeks ago texted me today. Idk how he got my number. But I think he wants to "talk" to me. He's decent looking but I don't know if I'm at a good place emotionally for some one else. I'm confused about what I want right now. I really don't know. I'm sure he's a great guy and everything (he's drop dead gorgeous) but I don't know if we have any of that intellectual connection. I don't really want some one right now who just wants to get in my pants. Well it depends on who it is. I think now is a good time to end this because God knows what else I might tell.
no trust me, i don't do that but i know someone who does and that's kind of where i got it from but thanks anyway :]
Even though I don't really know you, I understand. And cutting is a decision. Your decision. I keep thinking about it. Especially since my group of friends are limited. So when I am alone. Just makes me want to do it sooooooo much. And I resist. If I crave, I try and keep myself pre-occupied. Like by running. Or blasting music. But about the whole therapy thing.... Sounds like your parents keep putting it off. Hoping it is just a phase. But me and you both no it most likely isn't. Maybe you can talk to your school counselor about it. They are better than real ones. And you can see them everyday. Hope everything goes well. I'm sorry your friends don't understand.
this layout is so sweet.
yo thanks. i'd read your post, but i'm gonna be honest and say i can only pay attention for so long.
how'd you find my site
~AntiSocial~
thx for the comment hun :)
i think ur mom just doesn't know what to do... but she wants to help, i'm sure. take care of urself, surf online, i bet there're nice forums for recovery :)
i heard this way of stopping urself from cutting... imagine that ur hand (or wherever u want to cut) belongs to someone you love, like your mother, and think "would i cut her?" ...that stops me at least.
gd luck!
hey. i hope you're okay.
even if you relapse, a friend of mine once put it like this - self harm isn't easy to get over because its a coping mechanism. but think of all the progress you made, one major relapse is fine as long as you can stop and keep on going towards recovery.
and parents can find it hard to accept that there's something wrong with their child that they couldn't protect them from. maybe you'll have to take matters into your own hands.
do what you feel is right.
x.
Yeah. This isn't something thats just going to go away. I knew that. And I still know that. The only thing holding me back is my best friend. If I didn't have her I would be cutting terribly right now. That sounds horrible but it is the truth.
i am angry. very. but more dissapointed. i read ur entries and alot of it i feel the same. do u have aim?
Not their faults, more mine because I need a life.
Comments (8)
no trust me, i don't do that
but i know someone who does and that's kind of where i got it from
but thanks anyway :]
Even though I don't really know you, I understand.
And cutting is a decision.
Your decision.
I keep thinking about it.
Especially since my group of friends are limited.
So when I am alone.
Just makes me want to do it sooooooo much.
And I resist.
If I crave, I try and keep myself pre-occupied.
Like by running.
Or blasting music.
But about the whole therapy thing....
Sounds like your parents keep putting it off.
Hoping it is just a phase.
But me and you both no it most likely isn't.
Maybe you can talk to your school counselor about it.
They are better than real ones.
And you can see them everyday.
Hope everything goes well.
I'm sorry your friends don't understand.
this layout is so sweet.
yo thanks.
i'd read your post, but i'm gonna be honest and say i can only pay attention for so long.
how'd you find my site
~AntiSocial~
thx for the comment hun :)
i think ur mom just doesn't know what to do... but she wants to help, i'm sure. take care of urself, surf online, i bet there're nice forums for recovery :)
i heard this way of stopping urself from cutting... imagine that ur hand (or wherever u want to cut) belongs to someone you love, like your mother, and think "would i cut her?" ...that stops me at least.
gd luck!
hey. i hope you're okay.
even if you relapse, a friend of mine once put it like this - self harm isn't easy to get over because its a coping mechanism. but think of all the progress you made, one major relapse is fine as long as you can stop and keep on going towards recovery.
and parents can find it hard to accept that there's something wrong with their child that they couldn't protect them from. maybe you'll have to take matters into your own hands.
do what you feel is right.
x.
Yeah.
This isn't something thats just going to go away.
I knew that.
And I still know that.
The only thing holding me back is my best friend.
If I didn't have her I would be cutting terribly right now.
That sounds horrible but it is the truth.
i am angry. very. but more dissapointed. i read ur entries and alot of it i feel the same. do u have aim?