Why, why why? I don't want to remember this. I hadn't thought about this in forever. I'm really scared to even begin to type about it. It's going to give me another panic attack, but not talking won't do me any good. I don't think. I don't know, nothing is working. I've had so many little panic attacks today I lost count at like 6 that I remember. I don't even know what's going on around me half the fucking time.
It has to do with Daddy. I'm scared to type this, because people won't want me around him any more. Oh gosh. I just freaked out because mommy walked in.
I guess I should start in at the beginning. But, I really don't remember that. Well, here's what I know. Daddy has always had a bad temper. He used to drink a LOT. He won't admit that he was an alcoholic, but I think he might have been. I don't remember much, I was too little and he was rarely at home. When he was at home, occasionally he'd get mad. He's yell with mommy. He'd call me and Jenna bad names, like wench, fat, ugly, worthless, etc. He didn't really start calling me a fucking bitch and other lovely names until I got older. Lately, I've been remembering him coming in my room one day. He had a knife. He had this maniac smile on his face. He came at me with it, backing me in a corner or something. That part is still fuzzy. I don't remember when this happened. I can't even remember if it was in this house or the old one. I really don't want to. I locked it away for so long I barely remember it at all, but it's roared it's ugly head lately for some reason. He was so close to me with that knife. Then he flicks it shut and walks away, smiling like nothing happened. I thought he was going to kill me. I've been remembering another occasion, this one more vivid. I was standing at the bar in the kitchen. He comes up behind me and says, "Don't turn around." He's got a knife at my side. Oh god. Once again, he flicks it shut smiling.
Maybe he was just playing. I don't know. He wasn't very nice to me when I was little. He used to hit us, like spank, a lot. That's why, I still to this day, swear that I will never spank my kids. No, no, no. It was so real. It's so real now. Why do I have to remember this? He's not a bad guy, he wouldn't do it if I didn't deserve it. He wouldn't be mean to me if it wasn't what I deserve. Face it, things will never get any better than this. I wish he would hit me, hard. He always acts like he might, but instead he just yells. He's too smart to hit me because he doesn't want them to take me away. I wish he would screw up so I could prove all of this. I won't even get into the times he's pointed guns at me and asked, "I wonder what would happen if I pulled the trigger?"
Honestly, I can't even handle living in this place any more. I'm too scared of him. What happens if he really gets mad? I want fucking OUT.
Today, some one opened a door romantically that I've been trying SO hard for the past 2 years to shut. Nothing ever really happened between me and him, but I don't want that to happen. All he wants to do is get in my pants and I don't want that with him, that's just asking for trouble. I just wish he would leave me alone, because every time I see him he's trying to cop a feel on me, like today. Grr. I'm too nice, because I never say anything about it. I just let that shit fly, which gets me into more trouble. Not like saying anything would do anything. Tried that, didn't work... better off with my mouth shut, I suppose.
I really don't have anything to say other than what I just said- which was too much.
Comments (9)
wow...that seems like a lot of shit to handle with your dad and everything. and thats relle brave of you to open up about it and talk about it on here. i know i wouldnt have the guts to.
and i didnt tell my mom whats going on. part of me wants to. but part of me doesnt. its so confusing. i want to tell her. but i cant. you know? and yess it was the awkwardestttttttt. i kind of wish she would just "find out" but not say anything. i dont wanna show/tell her though. scary shit.ohh and lucky my break doesnt start till monday.
You're dealing with a lot of stuff. I am really sorry you've got to handle all of this. As always, if you want to talk and vent, I'm here and I'll listen. I know its hard, and I know its crappy to handle. The best thing I can say is to pray. God knows what has happened to you. And He had a wonderful plan for you. He can and will use all of this for good. He loves you, Amanda, and He will not let you go. He will help you through all this crap. Hang in there.
O wow, thats horrible that u had to go through all that...im sorry that it still bothers you, but of course it would...who could forget that? i dont know anything about that situation..my father left when i was little and we didnt hear from him until i was like 16 and we still dnt talk cuz i wont forgive him...i hope things get better for u...punch that asshold that wont leave u alne....for real u dont have to take shit like that...dont give up on stopping cutting...u can do it...
The Suicide Queen
Always.
I'm here for you [13:20] lostreality69@hotmail.com: I thought you knew what you wanted
[13:20] CaItLyN: no i don't.
[13:20] lostreality69@hotmail.com: ....
[13:20] CaItLyN: I just
[13:21] CaItLyN: i wanna be happy, but im not, and i just i dont wanna lead you on or hurt you anymore. i dont wanna
[13:21] lostreality69@hotmail.com: you already led me on......and this ring around my neck shows that
[13:23] CaItLyN: please dont get upset, i just wanna talk about this ok?
[13:23] lostreality69@hotmail.com: you wanna talk about it?
[13:24] CaItLyN: yes
[13:24] CaItLyN: please explain how you think i lead you on>?
[13:24] lostreality69@hotmail.com: the "I love you"'s and "I miss you"'s and "I want you"'s for example
[13:25] CaItLyN: you think those were false?
[13:25] CaItLyN: so your telilng me that you think i LIED to you?
[13:26] lostreality69@hotmail.com: no I think they are real, I'm just saying to me that is saying you want to be back together.
[13:26] CaItLyN: i do love miss and want you, but we dont always get what we want
[13:27] lostreality69@hotmail.com: only because you're holding yourself back
[13:27] CaItLyN: I'm not holding back, I'm trying to love someone else!
[13:27] CaItLyN: i dont want to lead you on.
[13:28] lostreality69@hotmail.com: well when you say those things, it makes me happy knowing that you care for me, but it also feels like you wanted to be back together
[13:28] CaItLyN: i do care for you
[13:29] lostreality69@hotmail.com: but you don't want to be back together, I got it
[13:29] CaItLyN: be honest with me
[13:29] CaItLyN: did you expect me to come back?
[13:30] lostreality69@hotmail.com: after time, yes
[13:30] CaItLyN: wow
[13:31] lostreality69@hotmail.com: I didn't expect it for quite some time, but after time of healing yes.
[13:31] CaItLyN: i dont know anymore.
[13:32] lostreality69@hotmail.com: that's all you have to say? I don't know anymore?
[13:32] CaItLyN: no
[13:33] lostreality69@hotmail.com: but you know I love you and I want to get better to the point where I don't have to rely on anything to make me happy
[13:34] CaItLyN: i wish you would find somone else to love. you make it so hard to forget you...and i dont know if thats a bad thing
[13:35] lostreality69@hotmail.com: I tried to make it easy by stopping contact with you because that's what you wanted, so I did, and you came back to text me to make sure I'm still ok. It's been your choice not to forget, I haven't done anything to prevent it
[13:36] CaItLyN: cuz i worry about you thats why i contadted tyou afraid you pulled another stupid sstunt!
[13:37] lostreality69@hotmail.com: if you want to forget me, that's your choice, but i'll always love you and wonder what would've happened if we stayed together, and with this, I'll log off so you can forget, I won't reply to any of your texts if that's your will
[13:38] CaItLyN: do not log off
[13:38] lostreality69@hotmail.com: ?
[13:39] lostreality69@hotmail.com: new xanga btw
[13:39] CaItLyN: look. it pisses me off that you think i lead you on but if thats the way you really feel, fine, i dont love you anymore, and you should move on. is that what you fukcing want me to say fime!!!! I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE!!!!!!!!
[13:40] lostreality69@hotmail.com: you say that to drive me away, I know otherwise, because I can feel the pain inside you
[13:40] CaItLyN: WHAT PAIN!
[13:41] lostreality69@hotmail.com: the pain of losing a friend and one that you loved enough to wait almost a year to see again
[13:41] CaItLyN: 11 months
[13:41] lostreality69@hotmail.com: almost a year hun
[13:42] lostreality69@hotmail.com: so I'll let you forget me, only time will heal you, I love you, I'm logging out now
[13:42] CaItLyN: i dont love anymore
fuck. ignore that whole im thing, i pushed the wrong button
ehh i dont think i really need to, plus, i'm not a strong enough person to tell her. or write for that matter.
but idk i dont think its that serious like my life isnt in danger and ive never even came close to passing out from it, so maybe if it ever gets serious ill get up the nerve to write her about it. i relle dont know anymore... but it probably would be in my best interest to tell her. but i dont think im ready... but ive been putting off telling her for the past year. (i planned on telling her about a year ago after i'd "stopped" so yaaaa.aww =[
how did you get caught?-hugs back- =]