Saturday, December 22, 2007

• Fuck it.

  Currently Reading Angels Turn Their Backs By Margaret Buffie see related

  Binged today.  Not like most of it counts, because what ever I eat doesn't stay in me any more.  I don't know what I'm going to do on Christmas, with all those family meals.  I'll be forced to eat TONS.  I know it won't stay in me.  I'm not forcing it, I swear.  I hate that I can't even keep a bowl of cereal inside me.  No, I haven't been purging... I've just been sick.  I don't know if it is because I have suddenly become food intolerant or because I am eating too much?  Either way, I hate it.  I hate eating because that makes my stomach hurt, just like not eating.  I'm liable to quit eating, if only I wouldn't get so dizzy.  I can't stand being dizzy. 
  Anyway, moving on from that.  I want ONE fucking day where I don't have a panic attack.  I can't even go a day with out one and that is driving me crazy.  Sometimes, it seems like I have one every hour I am awake.  I had one at school the other day, which was horrible.  I completely zoned out and I have no idea what I did for about 30 minutes.  I remember being terrified.  I really don't know what I am going to do about them, because in a way I feel like I deserve that terror.  I don't know.  Sometimes I feel like I thrive off my issues, which I know isn't true... at least I don't think.  I hope not. 
  I'm getting a really intense urge now.  Which I have a feeling is going to send me into another panic attack.  I really want to finish this before I have to go sit in the corner for a while, protecting myself from all of the scary things in my head that will try and get me. 
  I really don't know what else to say.  God, it is getting bad.  My chest is getting tight and everything is starting to look funny.  Oh god, shouldn't have shut my eyes.
  This was supposed to be a semi-happy entry, because I had a shitty day, which is really good for me right now.  I don't remember the last time I had a GOOD day.  Does any one know if the mail runs on Christmas Eve?  Mama wants to mail something then...
  Dammit, I can feel everything starting to go out of here.  I can't do this.  I have to go hide now.
  Fuck.  I really want to cut but I can't.  I'm all alone and it is so bad I think I might cry.  I don't know if I can do this any more.
  
  

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