Thursday, March 13, 2008

  • How not to get a date at the bar.

    I suppose Im pretty lucky I finally met and married the man of my dreams. I wasn't too good at dating, ask anyone who knows me. I used to run a production company with a few friends of mine, and we put on several very successful shows at local venues around town. For that reason alone, I was already at a huge deficit when it came to dates. Everyone wanted to be my friend, but I was just too damn busy to ever go on an actual date.

    Not that I would know what it was I was looking for anyway.

    One night after a show, I stood on the stage making jokes with the band. We eventually came up with the idea that we would  move the "party" to another location, one that provided booze and a karoake stage-a combination known to induce tomfoolery of epic proportions.

    After a few drinks and a few rounds of stupidity up on stage (which is always so fun, until you wake up the next morning and realize what an ass you made of yourself) it turned into a "Win a date with December" contest.For those of you unaware, my name is december, so as not to cause further confusion.

     It was embarrassing yes, but the part I played in this debacle was easy. I stood up, and at the urging of everyone at my table, pointed to two people in the place that I would allow to take me on a date.

    Yes people, this really happened.

    I stood up, scanning the room and making a split decision. Man number one, a very tall handsome man with dark hair and dark eyes standing quietly at the bar by himself. He was alone, he was wearing a clean nirvana shirt, and he was drinking a long island ice tea. I thought, HEY! Im drinking a long island ice tea, and I love nirvana! Bingo.

    My my, when we are single, our standards are a little low, arent they?

    The second guy was sitting in a gaggle of women,and it appeared that he was not with any of them. He was cute, he had blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Kind of a punk rocker kind of kid, tattoos and bleached hair.

    "those two." i pointed out, as both of them get this shocked look on their faces. The DJ, who happened to be one of my close friends asked the guys to join him on the stage. I giggled, completely embarrassed out of my mind that my dating life has stooped to damn near auction standards.

    "Whats your name?" Dj Drass  asked the first guy.

    "Brandon" He says, and for the first time I detect a slight pitch to his voice."Oh girl, you picked the wrong guy!" He continues and I get it, below the black t-shirt he lifts the hem just slightly and reveals a rainbow colored belt. Strike one, Brandon is gay.

    The bar errupts in laughter. I cringe. Because I have absolutely no shame, this game continues.

    "Hey, you cant get it right everytime." Drass says, motioning for the other guy to stand up and come to the stage. In the meantime, brandon comes over and kisses me on the cheek.

    "are you kidding me?" Matt turns to me and says as I make small talk with Brandon, thanking him for being a good sport and playing along, insisting that I dont really need an auction to find a date. "Good choice dumbass" matt continues.

    I look up, and there is the other guy, wheeling himself to the stage, stopping short at the foot of the steps. Of course he couldnt go up them, he was in a wheelchair.

    Now I didnt mind that he was in a wheelchair, I did mind however,  that he was carrying his girlfriend on his lap. She smiled at me in that "I win, you lose" kind of way. I smile back at her, kind of bummed that I didnt get at least a spin around the room, but hey, lets move on.


    Moral of the story folks, if you are a single friend of mine, dont let me set you up on a date. I have absolutely no gaydar, and apparently dont notice things like wheelchairs.


    If you enjoy my misery, please leave me some stars.


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