With all the sex scandal topics flaring up, my husband and I had a conversation last night about what would happen if one of us cheated. I believe it is a forgiveable offense, meaning that if you genuinely love someone, you can move past it. The husband thinks that it is a death sentence, which is certainly true for many marriages.
In my former marriage, there was infedility on both of our parts. I am not proud of it, but it has served its purpose of allowing me to gauge relationships based on a few simple guidelines. Cheating is a life changing decision. In the case of my ex, it was the correct decision. He ended up marrying the girl and is very happy, and I ended up getting out of the worst relationship of my life, and into the best. Cheating can serve its purpose, but what do you do if you want to make sure your spouse never cheats on you?
How do you stop your spouse from cheating?
Lay out your expectations- Every couple has different needs and wants, discuss these in length before getting serious. Discuss everything, even if you dont think it would ever come up. The last thing you want is to marry someone and then find out that they have drastically different ideals than yourself. I have a girlfriend who is in an open marriage, something that would never work for me, but works extremely well for their relationship. They are happy, because they both know very well what is going on.bowchickabowbow.
Dont cheat on them- Sounds simple? Dont cheat on them mentally,
physically, or emotionally. Your spouse should be your best friend.Be honest, be open. Keep your hands clean. Dont do anything that you wouldnt approve of your spouse doing. Act like you are always being videotapped.
Snoop- (dogg)If you have something to hide, you wont want someone snooping around your things. No wiretapping, but check out the bank statements. About five months before I figured out my ex husband was cheating, I found a receipt in the laundry from olive garden that had two glasses of wine on it. It should have been a red flag, but because I was blind and in love (not to mention pregnant) I ignored it and chalked it up to a business meeting. Little did I know.....
If you find something questionable, ask about it. There is nothing wrong with saying "I found this and I would like to know who you are sharing wine with, if it is not me." There is bound to be a good explaination, and if there isnt, its time to sit back down for a serious chat. Be careful not to accuse. Saying "I know you did this" when you don't actually know is a death sentence in itself. You might as well file papers now. AND ONCE AGAIN, nagging doesnt work. ever.
Be Playful-Get the kids off to school and then make out on the couch together. Be
affectionate outside of sex, hold hands and kiss each other whenever
you can. Do things that make other people roll their eyes at you. Get
kicked out of movie theatres. Play together, play grab-ass and tackle
football (without the football or the uniforms) make sure that you are
someone that you would want to spend time with. People want to be with other people that make them feel good.
Be attractive- Close the bathroom door when you pee. Wear your hair down, instead of in a pony tail all the time. Don't let yourself go, you wouldnt want your spouse to gain weight, so why let yourself gain? Dress up for your spouse, you want him or her to desire you and though it is almost impossible for you to be the only one they find sexy, you certainly can be the sexiest. Have date night, and go all out. Wear your best, look your best, feel your best, your spouse is worth it.
Know where you stand with one another. Check in with each other. Put your finger on the pulse of your relationship. Oftentimes my husband will turn to me and say "How happy are you?" and if there is something bothering me, I tell him what, or if there isnt, I tell him "Couldnt be happier." Its a fun little way to check in on our status and it means so much more than what is actually said.
Remember: There is a certain radar that goes off in your head that makes you think, if only for a moment, that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. This emotion can be sometimes so overwhelming that you do something stupid, that you wouldnt otherwise do. Watch yourself, no one really goes out with the intention of cheating, I believe it just happens when you arent paying close enough attention. Pay close attention to your relationship.
And the most controversial.
Don't want your spouse to cheat? Have sex, have lots of it. Have inventive sex, in interesting places. Sex is fun, it makes you feel sexy, it ups your metabolism (making you lose weight) it causes a rush of blood to several important areas of the body (making you more attractive and in less need of makeup) and above all else, it creates a close emotional bond with whomever you are giving your nookie to. Not to mention it feels good! I could write an entire post on simply the reasons why sex is so amazing, but that is for another day. Be the filet, because why would your spouse go have a cheeseburger if he has a hot filet mignon waiting for him at home?
Some people just cheat. Its a fact of life. Some people will cheat no matter what you do to prevent it, and some people say that it isnt your responsibility at all. If someone is going to cheat, there really is nothing you can do to stop them, but creating a loving open area in your relationship ensures that you wont have any surprises when it comes down to it.
What do you think, can you do things to avoid a cheating spouse?
Comments (31)
Hopefully some of the women who read this post will sex their man next time they see them. Alot of guys are overworked and undersexed. Us guys LOVE sex.
As someone who has never much dated, nor gotten serious with anyone, I still have to say that this list makes a huge amount of sense. It's just the most rational, right thing I've ever read about cheating. PRAWPS, heheh (I think I gave you stars, but I'm never sure).
@FishBowlB -
but then you cant have sex, right?
@antisoccermom - Sure you can, each spouse has their own key. Just be sure to not lose the key, or things are gonna suck.
Hmm...i couldn't have said it better myself. A+ for you on this post.
(being that i'm not married yet, i'll try to remember all this for future reference.)
thanks for posting this.
have a good Friday.
I think you did a great job. My 30 year relationship has a lot to do with being present in the relationship. We talk, we play, we love, we talk, we play, we love, we argue, we talk, we play, we love, we love, we love. It's all about balance. We try not to read each others minds too often, but the time together has given us a priceless and magical knowing. Maybe that's the prize at the end of a trusting relationshop. Maybe that's something to reach for. To inspire your next move.
I think you make some really great points... That being said... I am sure there are people out there who will just cheat because they think they can...
@angi1972 -
we should find those people and put them on an island together.
HA! That would make for an interesting and sleazy reality show. lol
You know... I think that there are times in everyones lives when they find a way to justify doing something they know is wrong... and in some cases that's cheating no matter how perect their spouse is.
You give some GREAT advice though...
I've learned this: If people want to cheat there is nothing you can really do to stop them. Some people are habitual cheaters.
I star you, you star me!
I think that is a wonderful post and I agree with you! It takes a lot of work though and I think BOTH parties need to be open to that. It can't just be one of you doing the work. That can build resentment.....which doesn't do much for respect either. Two very important things in a relationship: respect and trust.
Don't let yourself go, you wouldnt want your spouse to gain weight, so why let yourself gain?
That is the only statement that bothers me at all. Being beautiful, sexy, and attractive to men is not all about our weight. There are some men who wouldn't date an overweight woman to save his life, and that is fine, but there are men who look at other things that make a women beautiful and appreciate those qualities. I get somewhat annoyed with the hypothesis that all women have to be thin to keep a man.
Personally, I have ALWAYS been overweight. I played sports, I could leg press 500lbs in high school and you could have bounced a quarter off my ass. I still had some mini love handles and a poochy stomach. I also had a boyfriend when I wanted and was able to date good looking men whenever I wanted. Thin is not the only way to go!!!
As far as other advice goes:
Listen listen listen and PAY ATTENTION to your relationship. If your spouse tells you something is wrong, don't get defensive and try to argue. LISTEN to what they tell you and work on it. There are so many little things we can do to show affection. Cook his favorite dinner once a week, bring her flowers (all girls like them even if they say they don't), do a chore for the other person when it is "their" turn. Little things like that add up and show you care.
Keep it Mutual
It's fine if you are a woman and you submit to your husband. It is fine if you are both 50/50 splitters when it comes to bill paying, mowing, or watching the kids so the other can have a night out. Just keep in mind a relationship has two people in it, and neither one of those two should ever carry the full weight of the relationship.
Know where you stand with one another. Check in with each other.
I also love that advice, and might employ it in any future relationships I have.
I love this. How cool. Well, I have an idea in my head. When I met my husband, he had just moved to the Houston area, I had just moved back from Louisiana. So when we started dating and I finally got to meet his parents, they were very close. I realize that people can still be close to their parents and cheat, but I sensed a bond with them(duh). I could tell his parent's taught him never to cheat, ya know what I'm saying? It sounds stupid, but I could just tell from the way his parents talked to him and he talked to them that he would be truthful. I have cheated on a boyfriend and it was the worst feeling in my world(he also lived 4 hours away too). So I promised myself and Neil I'd never ever to do it again to anyone.
@Momentkeeper -
I agree with you on many points, but what I was trying to say was dont let yourself go. It isnt about being skinny, its about maintaining the balance, or rather, retaining the person that you were when they fell in love with you. I was forty pounds heavier than I am now, when my husband and I got together. He loved me still, but imagine how much he chases me now! Ive been heavy, and Ive been super skinny. Find what right for you, and stay that way. Same with the hubby, ya know? This is a two way street! My ex husband got grossly fat after our divorce, I would never have been able to be with him like that! ugh!
@willingwench -
There is nothing worse than a one-sided relationship. Ive done that, it blew.
@Jaynebug -
Being present, and being aware of what is happening. Slacking off breeds opportunity for unhappiness! I agree!
Do things to avoid a cheating spouse? No. I think that if it's going to happen, there is nothing you can do to keep him (or her) from committing the crime. I'm not trying to be negative, but I think that cheating is a sure sign that the relationship is going downhill. I think I agree with your hubby - cheating is a death sentence. I wouldn't be able to trust my significant other ever again if I found out he had cheated on me. I speak from experience... I suspect my ex cheated on me for the last two years of our five year relationship. :(
I agree with you. Most normal people won't cheat on the spouse if you do all the things you list. A "normal" person will only break down and cheat if s/he is being neglected. But there are, as you say, people out there who just have a pathological need to amass sex partners. If you find you have one of these on your hands, you should walk.
This was very very informative.
Me and my fiance have already had the cheat discussion.
It started when she called me up one time because she said she had to talk to me to get her mind off of something. She told me there was a co-worker of hers whom she used to have a fling with. This co-worker asked her if she wanted to hang out, which she knew would lead to sex if she said yes, so she called me to get it off of her mind.
Obviously, despite the fact she was being open and honest about it, this frightened me so I decided to talk to her about it. I told her that if she were ever to do something stupid like that, that she should tell me immediately and that I would not be angry. I told her as long as you call me the next morning or something and say "Hey, I did this last night, I was stupid/under the influence of a controlled substance and/or alchohol, and that I love you beyond anything and regret it with all my heart" that I would forgive her and not think twice about it. I know that human beings are fickle creatures capable of extreme short-term behavioral changes due to sudden unexpected experiences or a simple hormone flair.
After this conversation she told me that if something like that were to happen that it would in no way be easy for her to tell me, but she said that a) she would try and b) that I didn't need to worry because as long as I was here that would never be a problem.
She also added that if I were to do such a thing that I would never be forgiven.
To each his own I suppose, but it was a great post. Thank you very much and keep up the great, scratch that, amazing work
sexellent advice
To me, its like this.. If your spouse is going to cheat on you. There is no stopping it, they have made the decision. Mostly the list is also just how to keep a healthy relationship. ie if your relationship is not healthy, people tend to look for other things to satisfy them. As far as the cheating, i think this is the single most important one ( next to the sex!!!) --
Dont cheat on them- Sounds simple? Dont cheat on them mentally, physically, or emotionally. Your spouse should be your best friend.Be honest, be open. Keep your hands clean. Dont do anything that you wouldnt approve of your spouse doing. Act like you are always being videotapped.
There is no magic "cure" for cheating, but there is several things that men, and women can do to ease the pitfall of the wandering eye, that potencially can become an affair. I'm not an expert on other people relationships, but I am an expert on mine, I know were I failed and were I was left wanting, so based on my experience I'll give you my 2 cents of advice(and I don't wanna sound like cosmo):
1.- Don't take your partner for granted. To me that is the most essential of all rules. Just because you got married or living together, the rules of courtship are relinquish, looking good in bed and out of it is important because it say to you other half, "I still care for you, and you deserve a a nice, attractive partner".
2.- Accept yourself. Uhhhhhhhh???...... Hell yeah, one of the most common traits that I notice in my relationships is the lack of acceptance on oneself. We start to compare to other people, and usually there is someone better (or we think) than we are. So jealousy and insecurity plant a seed, very difficult to erradicate. Think positive, be assertive and our image will be, and look better.
3.- Accept the other. Nobody can honestly say that when dressing up for work, special night or simply going to the gym, we don't think about the opinion of the people around us. The positive will be "I'm looking sharp for them people to see how nice partner you have" and then believe it.
4.- Don't make yourself available: There is so many ways to tell other people "out there", even if you don't mean it, so don't go flaunting you atributes to others, that way most people will keep their distance and you will have less temptation.
5.- Keep that plate full. Men are more likely to cheat than women, there is more offers available to us (nudie bars, magazines, escort services, etc.) and we are also more willing to take rejection than women. So keeping fantasy and romanticism avail will greatly reduced the likelyhood of cheating.
6.- Respect for your partner feelings is very important. I rather tell my girlfriend or wife my desire out of the bonds, than make her feel like crap if I get caught with a case of matrimonial amnesia.
And last, but not least,
7.- wwmsd (what would my spouse do): A little bit of thinking before you get in one of them situations will greatly help you stay within your vows.
Hurting one another doesn't help at all, specially if children are involved. Talking frankly about what we like or dislike about our partners will help a lot in the relationship. But if you husband or wife cheats, chances are they will allways do it again, so, sometimes it's better to cut them loose, at least you will not be loosing time in a already doom relationship.
See, I don't agree with the snooping. It's like an invasion of privacy, and if you're having trust issues, there's not much you can do to alleviate that other than confronting it. Invading privacy is only going to aggravate the situation. People who snoop are looking for evidence to their already drawn conclusions, so no, I'm not an advocate of that.
The rest of the list is great though. To sum it up, it's all about communicating and respecing your spouse.
Know and trust their friends; if you can't trust their friends, you might not be able to trust them. My husband's friends would NEVER let him get away with cheating on me, and while it may be easy to cheat on your spouse without them knowing about it, it's much harder to hide it from everyone in your life.
Relax. Jealousy is a huge turn-off. If your spouse looks at a hot piece of ass a second longer than you think is necessary, that doesn't mean he or she will immediately go out and bone -- but making a big deal of it (and withholding sex because of it) just may push them over the edge. It's not cute and it's not attractive.
Be clear about what is acceptable and what's not -- and go easy on each other.
Understand what cheating is, and what it isn't, and talk about it with your spouse. Cheating isn't about sex -- it's about dishonesty, deception, cruelty, and disrespect. If you don't accept these things in one context (having sex with another person), you shouldn't accept it in others, especially when you're the one doing them. Lying about taking the kids out to the park, or about your own desires within your marriage, is just as bad as sleeping with someone else. It may not immediately destroy a marriage, but given time, it will tear it apart from the inside out.