We women are manipulative creatures, thats just the honest to god truth. We ask loaded questions in order to quickly and more accurately gauge the relationship we are in. Its just the way the world works, get over it. I wanted to explore these questions with you, as I am a woman and I have asked these at one point or another in my life (with one exception), and have now learned better,
Question: That girl is too skinny, isnt she?
What you are thinking:Id like to bounce a quarter off that ass and see how far it will go.
The reason: We ask this question simply out of insecurity. We want to know where we stand on your hottness scale. If you are lucky, you wont have to lie, but if you are with a cow, you are going to have to come up with something clever to calm her fears. "I like a little cushion for the pushing" and "the more to love" will not work in these situations. You simply need to say
"She is pretty skinny, but it isnt about weight these days, its about health."
Question: Aren't lesbians/threesomes/orgies disgusting?
What you are thinking: Oh yeah, So gross Id rather be doing that than anything else in the world right now.
The reason: We are asking you because we want to test the kink waters without having to actually dive in. Pressure is the number one killer of sexual adventure, so I advise you to simple reply with "every guy thinks about it, but it doesnt happen in real life." This gives us the opportunity to prove how different we are. When you say something like "You are so right sweetie, they are disgusting!" Our bullshit detector starts going off like a siren. We know that you know, that we know you want to schtup just about every woman in the world, you just need to reassure us that you dont want to do it until later.
Question: How many women have you been with?
What you are thinking: Am I supposed to be keeping track?
The Reason:
This is the cardinal rule, the ultimate sin of dating. I never ask this question, in fact, I have NEVER asked this question because, plain and short, I just dont want to know. The number will either be too high, or too low, either way, its a stupid question and should be ignored completely. The past is the past, and as long as you have a clean bill of health, get yo freak on.
Question: What do you think of Mr Blah and Mrs. Blah getting married?
What you are thinking: Am I supposed to have an opinion? My best friend is throwing his life away to marry some twat he met at a bar because she is 8 weeks pregnant.
The Reason: A question about someone elses relationship is a baited hook. Dont fall for it. If she insists, the only way to get out with your head and pocketbook intact is to say "They have been together for so long, they are taking the next logical step."
Thats that. Relationship issue dropped.
Question: Will you still love me if I get fat/paralyzed/ugly/ deformed?
What you are thinking: I will remember the good times, while Im porking my new girlfriend.
The Reason: This is a commitment question. Commitment questions are searching for the ultimate "I love you no matter what" bullshit mentality that comes with a 16 year olds relationship. The right answer to this question is " Honey, every relationship has obstacles, lets just hope we dont have to buy you a wheelchair."
Question: Can you believe Joe Schmo cheated on his girlfriend?
What you think: She was packing on the pounds, pushing him around, why wouldnt he cheat on her?
Once again, this is a test. Dont defend your buddy because then you look like an asshole that will cheat himself if we put on a few pounds or stop going down on you. The best answer to this question: "Joe Schmo has been going through some stuff right now, and I am pretty sure he knows that he made a mistake." Then you can go high five him, while we arent looking.
Question: Does my ass look fat in this?
What you think: Your ass looks fat in just about everything.
What it means: Women try to make this look as an innocent question. It isnt. If she is putting on the pounds, try parking further away from the Mcdonalds instead of going through the drive through, or just flat out tell her. Honey, its time to hit the gym. I believe you should look hottest for the person who sees you naked, a firm believer in that, so if I was slipping, Id expect a nudge towards the gym.
Question: If you could sleep with one of my friends, which one would it be?
What you are thinking: Any and all of them. The more the merrier.
What it means: we are insecure, we need reassurance. For the love of god, DONT ANSWER THIS QUESTION AT ALL< under any circumstances.
Did I miss any? Any questions that women ask that you never knew what really meant?
Comments (68)
Apparently I think more like a guy when it comes to the shotgun wedding question.
In my experience, quarters don't bounce that well off of asses. The ass tends to absorb most of the impact.
@DrugInducedDuck - OH dear, get this man to a strip club.
I guess I'll be staying single for the rest of my life, because I wouldn't want to be with the kind of ass you describe anyway. If men who don't think like this don't exist, I guess i can save myself the bother and not worry.
LOL I love this post.. especially the part about the high fiving when nobody's looking..
Good rant. But I honestly want to ask you... is it OK to promote/placate insecurity? Shouldn't we all (yes, I have my insecurities, sure) try to grow up?
@squeakysoul - The only men who don't are gay guys, so either way it's a lose/lose situation.
If I were with a guy who actually thought any of those things, just one of them, I'd like to know, personally.
@DrugInducedDuck -
and probably them too.
@DrugInducedDuck - I bet we could do an experiment on that in physics... perhaps the class would actually show up for that one.
@squeakysoul - Become a lesbian. In all seriousness, there are a few guys who are like what you're looking for (if I remember that post correctly), however, none will be 100% what you want. It doesn't mean they are asses; it means they're human.
@adifferentkindofbeautiful - That's too bad. And strange, because I'm human too, and I manage to be all of those things I listed on that post. I don't seek anything I find too hard for myself to do. I think it's more likely that there aren't many real men out there anymore.
@godgone - i rather like being a kid. But I dont ask these questions. Why ask a question you dont REALLY want the answer to?
Another reason I'm so glad to have a Y-chromosome.
"Time to eat"
"Time to fuck" (or masturbate depending on your options)
"Time to shit"
"Time to sleep"
And that's pretty much all there is. If it doesn't lead to any of the above four lines, we don't really care.
ah, the pitfalls of the loaded question.
well written, my dear.
@godgone - Growing up is super lame.
@antisoccermom - & @DrugInducedDuck - Fair enough answers. I believe that we're forced to grow up at some point - particularly when we run out of people from whom we can get the kind of treatment these questions beg. It's great if you can prolong it. But the piper eventually demands payment.
The threesome is every guy's fantasy. It's Man Law or something. Give up trying to work us out of it and pick the hottest number YOU would want to be with and let's work out the rules.
This was really good, btw.
Women ask these questions for one simple reason...they can. They know that any of them will cause us so much inner turmoil that we may explode, resulting in them being allowed to giggle with their girlfriends about it later.
Then again, that is just my theory.
Besides, there are some women that think like guys.
We're supposed to pay attention to those questions?
Just kidding. I never get asked those questions.
@bosefius - I am CERTAIN that I am one of the women who actually think like a man. No doubt in my mind.
@BB61 - *shakes head*
@SladeTheGreyFox - I wouldnt be terribly opposed to a threesome, so long as she did some laundry, folded the clothes, cleaned the kitchen, and scrubbed urine off the bathroom wall before she left. If she gets the benefits, shes gotta participate. Right?
@antisoccermom - you have some really strange fantasy going there...
@antisoccermom - I have no doubt of that either. I think the difference in you and my wife is she is all for the threesome also, no strings though :)
That was really funny!