Tuesday, May 06, 2008

• Marital Warfare.

  Its front line grunt work for me these days folks, in the married world, you play or be played, and anyone who tells you differently is probably married, but without children. Children are the kicker, they make the battle worth fighting, and they make things exponentially harder.
  
  Lets face it, fighting comes naturally to some of us, while passive agressive behaviour is easier for some of us to stomach. Battles are fought every single day, but nothing can prepare you for marital warfare, the perfector of the sneak-attack.
  
  Want to make your spouse REALLY miserable? Dont argue, dont yell, try one of these short term tactics that can totally be blamed on one of the kids.
  
  lose the baby's pacifier- this causes fear in the adult that the baby will freak out and cry. This works best when used in conjunction with angry shopping.
  leaving the toilet seat wet- Really, who wants to sit on a wet seat?
  Cant reach the baby wipes- Holding a squirming infant while simultaneously reaching for baby wipes that are.just.out.of.reach is a skill you should go to school to learn.
  Removing the towel from the bathroom, right before they get in the shower. - ha ha, this always makes me giggle. Its always followed with a "Damnit!" and that is what you are looking for.
  hide the toilet paper.- Nothing worse than running dry. I keep a spare, hidden in ever bathroom. Hey, I live with six guys, sue me.
  Burn Dinner- No one really wanted Tuna Helper again anyway.
  Kill the houseplants- sure, it didnt do anything to you, but its the last time anyone will ask you to keep a plant alive.
  Angry Shopping- Im not a fan of shopping, but when you burn dinner, you just have to go out and see what you can forage. Make sure and take the pacifier with you and take your sweet time, especially if your spouse is hungry, and being mean.
  Buying the wrong stuff- This could be anything from sour cream, to soap. You know what kind your spouse likes, get something different. Something cheaper. I was hit with this one last night, and had to stomach through a nasty chicken sandwhich. He knew what he was doing. He sat and smiled at me the whole time.
  We need to talk- This simple phrase strikes fear into the heart of men everywhere, say it, and mean it. But only mean that you need to talk about the garden, or your best friend sharon. See their faces go from freak out- to utter annoyance in .02 seconds.
  Talk more- Talk alot. Talk about your relationship, your feelings, your back pain. Talk talk talk talk talk. *ask a man, this one might be the worst one yet*
  Prunes for everyone!  Going to spend the next day shopping, or with your girlfriends? Make sure and feed anyone you can stuff full of them, prunes. Dad will have a great time with the gutteral clean-out er.... fall-out from prunes. Its good for kids, shut up.
  Would you pick up? This works best if it is right when your spouse is leaving work, and you only ask for one thing to be picked up at the store. Then send fifteen different text messages asking for other items.
  Text Confusion- Send a text message "Yeah, Im just so fed up" or something similar, and then send another one that says "Sorry honey, that was supposed to go to my best friend, pushed the wrong button, oops!"
  
  
  Disclaimer:  Married life sucks. Don't let anyone tell you differently. It sucks, but in the real world it can be a lot of fun. You learn what buttons to push and when, and things can get real spicey.
  
  And always remember. Make up by cooking his favorite dinner, and getting sloshed on red wine. That should be plenty enough to get things loopy.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

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