Monday, May 12, 2008

• It's time to ask her out, now what?

  
  

  

  
  

  The perfect date, an ugly miconception that leads people to excessive lengths to provide the experience to their counterpart at great expense on both dignity and pocketbook.To that, I say bah. There are a few solid rules for dating a nice young girl, and these are a must for every first date.

   

  1- So lets start with the first step. Its vitally important, and far more important to her than you can imagine, that you smell good. Cologne is not only important to hide that masculine stench, but it is vital in the courting of women. There is nothing better than smelling a man who has taken the time to make himself presentable. And, if nothing else, it is a great excuse to bring your face close to his, and take a deep breath. And men, if you notice us doing this, its because you smell so good. It instantly makes us think of you smothering us in that elicit scent.

   

  
  

  
  

  2- You smell good, but did you bring a present?

  This sounds worse than it actually is. Women like to be showered with gifts, my favorite is flowers, but it doesnt matter what it is really.Have you ever noticed in television and movies and what not, that when two people meet, they exchange something. A handpicked flower along the sidewalk that you two are walking, a bouquet of white roses (excess much) a well made thoughtful cd, even a tiny bit of soft and sensitive language can be a gift. But something needs to be delivered and generally within moments of meeting. Of course, you need to know who you are involved with (or looking to get involved with) and know their tastes. But a small effort on your part will reap major benefits in the end.

  
  
   

  3- Another trend in the cinematic version of dating is far overlooked by many people, but something that I take very personally.

  If you like someone, teach them something. Personal interests are a huge must when you are entering into the realm of maybe-somehow-possibly-thinking-about- getting naked together. If you watch for it, you will see it. People who are looking to make a connection with another person, will teach them something that they are comfortable doing.  As a woman, when I am being taught something by someone I am interested in, I listen intently. I study the way his mouth moves while he describes the object (or action) and then I try it outwardly. seeking approval.

   

  
  
  
  

  4- try something new.

  So sushi isnt your thing, but it is hers? Try it. If it sucks, then swallow it down and tell her that you will be picking the next restaurant for your second date. Nothing is worse than a person who is stuck in a solid rut and wont break loose from it. Try new things, teach each other something new, bring her something pretty and smell fucking great, you still with me?

  
  
   

  5--  There are certain clues that can give you the indication of attraction. A girl who is infatuated with you, will touch herself incessantly. (not like that you scumbag) She will play with her hair, run her fingers along her straw, and her eyes will dart around the room, locking yours only to deliver some clever sexual pun. *that is, if the girl is as clever as me.* She will ask questions that make you think like "tell me something I don't already know about you....ect ect.

  We are taught this from birth. Its an inherant trait to flirt with our straws making you think of other things we may do with our hands. And applying lip gloss, you think we are just that sexy? No, we do it so you will watch the way we move our lips, and its awesome when we can watch the sweat bead up on your foreheads while you suffer through dinner with a raging.... well, you get the idea. Watch for these signs, and clear your calendar if you start seeing them.
  

  
  
   

  6- When it comes to the end of the date,

  if everything has gone well, you notice the oral fixation, the casual giggling and the unsteady communication all building to the end of the night, when the dreaded first kiss comes into play, there are a few things you need to know.

  First, we want to kiss you. But if we do you will think we are worthy of a $20 bill left on the nightstand after a hot and sweat stuff and fu... again, you get the idea.

  We want to, but only if you will respect us in the morning. Cliche? Maybe.

  But its the truth. We want you to want to suck our face, but hold back (with all of your willpower) from slamming us right there on the doorstep. If the date goes well, then there will be another one. And if it didnt, you probably should have ordered her another margarita.

  No one likes a half-cooked goose.

   

  TO kiss, or not to kiss?

  ALWAYS say "I would really like to kiss you." This simple phrase breaks the ice AND she can always say no, Which is much easier to take than a head swerve around your rapidly approaching lips.

  Secondly, if she is inching her way backwards through the door, she isnt interested. Another dead giveaway is the old toothpick trick.

  Ive used this one before, and it never fails. If your an idiot and try to kiss me while I have a toothpick in my mouth, you deserve the stabbing your getting. idiot.

  
  
   

  7-Dont make plans while your on the date. Seriously, give us a little time to digest the nights events before saying "what are you doing tomorrow night"

  This just says that you want to see how we look in nothing.

  Call, or better yet, text her to let her know that you got home safe, and that you had a good time. She will respond accordingly, if in fact she didnt think you were a skeeve.

   

  Good job buddy, you made it.

   

   

  A few helpful hints for the dating challenged.

   

  • Make plans. Pick out a restaurant that you want to take her to, this is incredibly sexy, and can avoid the completely unsexy "I dont care, Where do you want to go?" conversation. Simply ask, is--insert restaurant name here--- okay? and then go there. (maybe have a backup in case she hates mexican, or something)
  • Think of things to talk about before the date. The less time to think she has, raises your chances immensely.Keep the conversation flowing. If you asked her on the date and she said yes, it means she is at least mildly intrigued. Use this to your advantage.
    
  • Let her talk. Women just want to talk about themselves.
    
  • Ask questions about her, it makes you look like you care.
  • Tell stories that show you are funny, and/or free spirited. I love hearing the stories from people i barely know. It can completely erase any preconceived notions i have about that person.
    
  • Some women want their doors open, if so, open it. Its a simple and sweet gesture. Plain and simple chivalry.
    
  • Brag about her.Tell your guy friends that it was the best date ever, or at least someone who will get it back to her. If you work together, cleverly placed information spreads throughout the office like wildfire. 

  Sex on the first date is never cool, but text message flirting on the first date is always a good time.
  
  
  

  Have fun, be safe, dont settle.
  

  • 11:33 AM
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