Thursday, May 01, 2008

  • It has been a long time since I've done a  Kween of the Kween's challenge.

    I still haven't figured out how to break the link on the same line. Anyway... here's the challenge:

    DEFINE WHO YOU ARE

    Here are your parameters:

    This DOES NOT mean what you do for a living, or who you are in your family.  I don't want you to write about being a Father or Mother or Daughter or Son.  In fact, leave your family and your job out of this entirely.  I want you to tell us what makes YOU tick.  How do you see yourself?  Are you talented?  Frustrated?  Happy?  When you think about this definition, think about YOURSELF.  What makes you who you are?  What dreams do you think about?  What does it take to let you feel that you are worthy or good or respected?  Who are you?  Make this your own.  You can write or post pictures or put up your art or poetry, whatever you like!  We love seeing it!





    Okay... who am I? And I can't use the basic descriptors of myself to define that... hmmm... this is going to be tough.

    I am angry. I am happy. I love harder than I hate. I strive to be better, but I fail. I try to fail, but I succeed. I don't know who I am, but I know who I want to be. I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want. I don't make any sense. I get my feelings hurt very easily. Which means that I'm overly sensitive at times. An emotive person. I can't draw or paint or take beautiful pictures. I can write. But only when I am sad or angry or lonesome or heartbroken. Not when I'm happy or okay or fine. I use other people to define who I am because I think that they know me better than I know myself. I put up with too much crap from people. I let people walk all over me. I yell at people for doing things that I do myself. I'm a screamer. I like to be silly. I purposely act like I'm drunk, sleep talking, whatever... just to see the reaction I get. I want to help people. I wish someone would help me. I try not to be negative when around other people. This causes everyone that knows me to think that I'm the one who has it all together, that I'm always so happy. I just want to scream at all of them " I AM NOT HAPPY. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU THINK I AM." Maybe because I'm fake. But I'm oh so real. I look in the mirror and I just see... Pennie. Not a Penelope, not a Pen. Pennie. This is me, this is how I define myself. I try to like myself, I try to accept myself. My 4 year old tells me that I'm beautiful and soft. My 2 year old tells me  "My mommy, my fwend." I try to define myself by the love and admiration I see in their eyes. It doesn't work. I am so much more... I feel stifled. Not by them, not by here... but by the limitations I place on myself. Telling myself I can't, won't, shouldn't. Too afraid of the reactions of others when the only person that truly matter in this particular quest is myself. So... I don't think I'm defined. I'm undefined. Who knows when I'll figure out what it is I define myself as?







Comments (29)

  • MirandaWrites

    Pennie, I LOVE this post. It really strikes a chord with me.  Very very well written.

  • down_syndrome_love

    I wish i knew what to do too. Thanks for the comment. Church is good, but its an added stress for me at the same time. This is why I am trying to plan escapes this year, i didn't get to last yr and the three yrs before i was always going somewhere or doing something. I totally lost that. I am stressing about everything! Being a single parent is not easy.


    Even Checking the mail is stressful. I have anxiety really bad, and I know why. It gets worse each year.


    But how do I reverse it? Thats the question I need answered.


    Hope you have a great day!

  • Kween_of_the_Queens

    MiLady,


    This is so familiar to me. . .I've been in your place.  I think every woman has at some point in their lives. . honestly!  I noticed, although covertly, you did bring in the fact that you are a mommy. . . .that's 2.  I'm counting the number of woman who just can't leave their "mommy" or "wife" handle out of this post.  I know it is very difficult, especially when you have such young children.  The problem with those years is that women absolutely become defined as mommies.  But you did such a wonderful job here!  You've been linked, and I would have starred you, but it looks like you don't have a star section here!~Kween
  • Kween_of_the_Queens

    MiLady,


    That's alright.  This is turning into a rather interesting study in how women really define themselves!  So far I've only had 2 men respond to this challenge and they were right on point with out referring to their places in families. . .And even if the women haven't even mentioned their families, the inference's are subtle, but there.  ie "this is so hard". . . .I'm continuing to keep count! ~Kween
  • jessicamarie7034

    RYC: Thank you soo much, that brought a smile to my face and made me feel so much better. I'm glad I've met such great people on xanga!!! Especially you!

  • NightlyDreams

    i seriously think you just wrote about the upbeat me lol  
  • faerieshadow

    It sounds like you've got a lot of self-discovery yet to do. Go for it.
  • two_blue_skies

    my pastor always says "wherever you have an over-reaction, you have an area that hasn't been healed" I remember that every single time I get over-sensitive haha

    I think there is something in this post that we all can indentify with, I liked it

  • chickwcamera

    I would be HONORED to photograph your wedding... too bad I live so freakin' far! phooey


    This is awesome, because it's full of truth.

  • Zeal4living

    You are the ultimate paradox
  • MAMA2GRLS

    Very well written.  You did a great job!
  • BlueCollarGoddess

    Self awareness is an ongoing exercise.  You're on the path!
  • WakeUpLaughing

    Excellent post!
  • FourthChance

    Great post, very thought provoking,   thanks so much for sharing.


    Take care,  Love, Cyn
  • Queenelizzy

    Maybe undefined isnt so bad huh?  I like this. Thanks for puttin it out there!!
    xoxox, QE
  • baldmike2004

    Dear Penelope,


    I for one think you did excellently with this "challenge" (even though the kids snuck in there in the end.) Very nice description of your essence.


    Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool
  • TheCheshireGrins

    I think you defined yourself perfectly 
  • peacenow

    I love the honesty in this post... It can be hard to look at ourselves to closely - but sometimes maybe we are too hard on ourselves.. Just a thought. I've seen  you on bubbly's site and was going to comment before but you had friend lock on... take care. peace
  • silkenbutterfly

    We're not all good, we're not all bad. There's so much of both in everyone. Maybe you are "fake" around others and they think you are more happy than you are. But I would bet some of that is because you want them to be happy. And that is selfless.


    But finding yourself is a never ending journey. Maybe try not to focus so much on who you want to be, or even who you think you should be, but who you are right now. I would bet you'll find some surprising and good things about yourself you never knew *hugs*


    I keep reading your blog because I see it ;)
  • harmony0stars

    I think you are very smart.
  • ThePhilsBlogBar

    Fantastic entry.
  • myseniormoments

    I think you  told so many truths....a lot of us are "fake" because we don't want to impose our bad feelings and insecurities on others.  The old....'fake it until you make it....theory.  Being a mother of young children takes a lot of time and effort and often you give up yourself to put them first.  I hope there does come a time when you can figure out who you are and what you need.  Good job.
  • Lmoisan

    You did a lovely job defining yourself. 

  • endlesssummer128

    The great thing about defining ourselves is that we are constantly changing, and redefining ourselves as chapters in life end and begin.  Great post!  And congratulations on your upcoming wedding, btw!
  • endlesssummer128

    PS.. your site looks great!  Good job!

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