Sunday, May 11, 2008

• Mother's Day

   

  Mother’s Day
  May 11, 2008

  

  (this photo is from 2003, i think, but it's one of my faves of her.)

   

  today i was thinking about my Grandma. while i love and appreciate my mother, my Grandma is the one i consider when Mother’s Day is upon us. although i did not live with my Grandma during my childhood, i feel that she is the one who really raised me. i was with her every weekend, and during those blessed days, she and my Grandpa taught me more about life, faith, and love than my parents ever did. i consider her to be my mother more than the woman whose womb i emerged from. when i go to the store for greeting cards, i am always frustrated, often to the point of tears, because i can never find the cards to describe my feelings. every card that says “Mother” on it is more fitting for my Grandma than my mother, and vice versa. on one occasion i knew my mother would not be around when i gave the card to my Grandma, so i went ahead and got her one that was intended for a mother. but normally i don’t do that because i know my mother would be hurt and offended by that. it is a harsh and painful truth that the sentiments of “you were a great example and i look up to you” and “you were always there for me” and “you always had my best interests in mind” and “your love for me was so apparent in everything you did” could not honestly be used to describe my mother and i. yes, she loves me and i love her, but her parenting left many things to be desired. i got slapped around more than i got hugged, and i was ignored or screamed at more than i was encouraged or inspired. there were many more tears than laughter, and much more pain than comfort. needless to say, while i still speak to my mother, we are by no means “close.”  

  back to my Grandma, she is having foot surgery on the 21^st of May. she will be home and pretty much immobile for at least 2 weeks, and probably closer to 4 or 5 weeks. this means that i will be fully in charge of the house and i will need to take care of her: bring her food and water and help her to the bathroom and possibly even sponge bathe her. it is a daunting idea to have that much responsibility, and the thought of seeing my Grandma as somewhat helpless frightens me. i know she is getting up in years (she is going to be 67 in December) and i feel like this will be a taste of what is to come in 10-20 years. i am one of the prime candidates for her care when she is no longer able to adequately care for herself. the only other person who could do it would be her son, my uncle. but his life is up in the air right now, so i don’t know if he will be able to do it when the time comes. and there is no way i would put her in an assisted living facility. after all the care she has provided for me and the rest of the family, she deserves better than that. 

  so it is very possible that her care will be my responsibility when she is older. and the thought of having to do the intensive care that many elderly people require is so overwhelming and terrifying. i mean, i know that i could and would take excellent care of her; it is just that the emotions tied to being her caretaker are difficult for me. for me to be taking care of her seems like some kind of typo or something. i mean, she has always been the one taking care of me and everyone else. she has always been the strong one of the family. she has been the go-to-{woman} for everyone, dealing with all their problems and taking them on herself. it has been that way ever since my Grandpa died, and maybe even longer. she has been the one who lends money, acts as chauffeur, provides meals, pays overdue bills, and takes care of business for the entire family. no one in the family seems to be grateful for all she does for them, most of which is far above and beyond her call of duty as a mother/grandmother. i mean, even though we are all grown adults, she still bails us out of whatever mess we get ourselves into, if she can. she'll do whatever it takes to make sure that we lack nothing, and that we are taken care of.

  she is like a blanket that covers everything in comfort, safety, and love. she is oil for the gears of life that keeps everything running smoothly. she is this family's glimpse of God. she is the Light that Christ calls us to be in just about every way. she goes about her life constantly striving for perfection for her family, never complaining or asking for anything in return. all she wants is for us to be happy. she never thinks of herself, never spends money on herself, never eats unless we all have been fed, and loses sleep so we can rest. she never expects recompense; all she desires is our love in return for hers. she is the best person i have ever been blessed to know (tied with my Grandpa and my Great Granny, God rest their souls). sure she has her flaws; she is human just like the rest of us. in my eyes, that fact makes her even more beautiful. she has made mistakes, so she knows how hard it is to own up to them sometimes, and what it's like to have to go through the consequences for them. she's not flawless, so she knows what it's like to fall short. and she has compassion on others. she is humble and yet courageous. she knows the Word of God and strives to live it out. she is my inspiration. she provides a clear path to God whenever i get lost. she is more than just my grandmother; she is my confidante, my cheerleader, my mother, my counselor,  my teacher, and my friend. and my life, this world, is a better place because of her.

   

  Edit: the following song was dedicated to my Grandpa when he died. in my heart, it is equally dedicated to my Grandma; my Grandpa would have dedicated it to her. she was his wind, and she is and always will be mine...

   

  Bette Midler
  Wind Beneath My Wings
  
  It must have been cold there in my shadow,
  To never have sunlight on your face.
  You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
  You always walked a step behind.
  
  So I was the one with all the glory,
  While you were the one with all the strength.
  A beautiful face without a name for so long.
  A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
  
  Did you ever know that you're my hero,
  And everything I would like to be?
  I can fly higher than an eagle,
  For you are the wind beneath my wings.
  
  It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
  But I've got it all here in my heart.
  I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
  I would be nothing without you.
  
  Did you ever know that you're my hero?
  You're everything I wish I could be.
  I could fly higher than an eagle,
  For you are the wind beneath my wings.
  
  Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
  You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
  Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
  For you are the wind beneath my wings,
  'Cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
  
  Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
  You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
  Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
  Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
  Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
  
  Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
  So high I almost touch the sky.
  Thank you, thank you,
  Thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings!

   

  Currently Listening Beaches: Original Soundtrack Recording By Bette Midler Wind Beneath My Wings see related

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