Currently Listening One Cell In the Sea By A Fine Frenzy see related

Every Day

As I drove back to my apartment the other day after a trip home I stopped at a red light and felt completely at peace.  It was a really strange moment.  My windows were down, I had Ingrid playing, it had just begun to get dark and street lights had just started softly glowing.  My car was loaded up with clean clothes, food, my new tv . . . it was packed full as if I were on a cross-country voyage.  For a brief instant at this light I didn’t know where I was.  I felt like I was in a new city- all by myself.  It was an amazing moment.  I can do it now.  I wasn’t ready before, but now I know that I can survive by myself.  I have found something that keeps me centered.  I don’t know what it is.  But I know it’s there.  The past few weeks have been wonderful.  I go to bed happy, I wake up happy.  I can keep breathing without feeling like I’m gasping for breath.  Sure, I still have bad moments, but the calmness comes quickly now.  My days are no longer sad and angry with brief flashes of happiness.  It’s a nice feeling.  It’s good to finally allow myself to be happy for once.  It gets easier every day.        

Currently Listening X&Y By Coldplay see related

Slipping Away

Everything is slipping away; slipping right out of my grasp.  My life is slipping away.  I am slipping away.  Something in me is broken.  Whatever it is, I wish it would get better.  I can’t deal with the constant ache anymore.  It is always there; an all pervasive pain that I want nothing more than to get rid of.    

The only thing that brings me happiness anymore is sleep.  The thought of sleeping is what gets me through the day.  It used to anyway.  To me, sleeping is what drinking or drug use or violence is to others.  I am addicted to it.  Sleeping is a time when I can be alone.  Where my thoughts are mine and mine alone.  It is a time when I don’t have to worry about others, when I can focus on myself.  I want that back. 

I am sad all the time.  Sleep lets me escape the ever-present sorrow that has sunk into my very being.  Things that used to make me happy don’t.  People who used to make me smile aren’t.  I am alone.  Being alone used to be my biggest fear.  I guess it still is.  But now that I am here; I guess my new fear is how long I will be trapped.  Trapped in the shell of what used to be me.  I am not myself.  I am not this person that I present to everyone.  I don’t know where I belong, but I know it’s not here.  I want to be fixed.  But I don’t know how to fix myself.  I don’t know if I can be fixed. 

Currently Listening The Story By Brandi Carlile see related

The Story of My Life

I understand that the world carries on without me even though I am stuck somewhere.  I don’t even know where that somewhere is.  I do know that I try and dig myself out of it; I try and take myself far from here.  But I can’t.  Something is keeping me here.  I don’t know what that is.  I guess it will take time for me to figure it out. 

Here is what I know.  Friends aren’t forever.  People who you thought you could count on aren’t always there.  Most people lie.  Almost compulsively it seems.  Things almost never go as planned.  I am being left behind.  Everyone and everything is moving forward.  But I am not moving.  I am steadfast in this unconscious decision.  But why?  Why can’t I move forward?  It’s not as if I want to be here.  There is nothing for me here. 

The pain comes in waves.  I will be fine one day, and the next day the hurt comes flooding back to me.  It comes crashing back into my life the way ocean waves crash into the shore.  I can’t wait until the ebb and flow of my hurt feelings are nothing more than a gentle lull.  But once again, I am not going to make plans too soon.  Plans have a way of unraveling once I talk or think about them too much. 

And Again

I feel like such a waste.  I am wasting my life.  I am just cruising along instead of actually trying to accomplish anything.  I live day by day; it’s easier that way.  This way I have nothing to look forward to so that I have nothing that can hurt me.  I have no goals, no aspirations.  I am a disappointment to so many, including myself.  Nothing I do will ever be good enough.  My biggest fear is being alone.  And that is what I am.  No matter what I am doing, I still feel alone.  I have hurt people, and I have been hurt by even more.  This isn’t how it should be.  I should be with people, I should be having fun . . .instead, I would much rather be alone.  When I do seem happy, it’s usually because I shove the hurt into the back of my mind.  It’s still there, it’s always there, it’s just hidden away.  I should stop being the sad, miserable person that I am.  But I don’t know how to stop.  I don’t know how to get over it.  All of it.  Any of it.  I want a redo.  I would do everything differently, but until that is possible, everything is still the same.  I will always be the girl that people come to when they are sad, or when they need a favor.  Sure, there are people who are there for me, but everyone is quick to judge, and no one makes the pain go away.  In fact, most just make it linger, and fester, like an open wound that will never heal properly.  It gets better, and then during the healing process, it just gets ripped open again. And again. And again.  I want someone who can heal me, who can make me whole again.  Someone who can take me far away from this joke that I call my life.