| | Mother<3Wow...haven't written in here in forever....
alot has happened and always will, life still goes on no matter what your going through. Some days i'm doing great and nothing can get me down, other days it hits me like a train and it's too hard to deal with. I miss her and nothing can bring her back, that one day plays over and over in my head everyday and i keep thinking it's a horrible dream that i can just change and i'll wake up from this nightmare and walk down and see her smiling face and hear her voice. But just like her voice it has all faded away to the back of my mind and it's all reality.
I remember that day almost as if it happened two mins ago, i remember i got out of school and i was borrowing steve's car while he was out skating and i was supposed to go hang out and my dad had called and said that i need to go home and that i was going to come to the hospital to see my mom with my sister. I remember i was so mad at my dad because i wanted to go home and do what i had planned i had no idea my mom was in any bad condition i saw her the night before and she was doing fine and was coming home the next day. So i go home and my sister is like yeah Mrs. Dawn and Mr. Bob are going to take us to the hospital i was like okay, the ride there i fell asleep in the van and i get there and i have no idea what's going on . My dad walks out of the room and i see the look on his face and before i even get in the room i know there's something wrong. I walk in the room and the curtain is pulled closed so i have to walk around and my eyes are in tears and i walk around the curtain to see my mom and she's just laying there like a vegetable unable to even acknowledge i'm in the room she can't talk or move or look at me. At this point i hug my dad and everyone is in tears and i take a seat in the room and my dad sits at my mom's side holding her hand talking to her knowing she can hear us but can't respond the machine is helping her breath and keep her heart beating. My brother finally arrives and he had no idea either and he comes around the curtain and is in tears and hugging my dad and takes a seat next to her and holds her hand and talks to her. My sister is next to sit and hold her hand and talk to her, then mine...i sit on her left side her head is turned off to this side her eyes are so lost you look in them and there's nothing and i am silent and have been since i walked in and saw her, all i can do is pray in my head and hold her hand and i'm looking at her and i feel like she's trying to tell me something and she ends up spitting up on herself and i know it's weird but i feel like she was trying to talk to me and she tried so hard but couldn't. The nurse comes in and cleans her up and i'm now sitting on her right side holding her arm and my dad is sitting on the bed next to me and my sister is sitting by her feeting holding her feet and my brother is holding her left hand. We sang songs she loved and we played "alison trivia" where my dad asked questions about my mom and we would answer them and we would ask my dad questions and he would answer and tell us stories. then the breathing stops....we played one last game with her and it was time for her to go...so the fight was over. we have been watching my mom and praying for her to fight this and fight for her life for 4 hours now and then it all just stops...it felt like forever. i squeezed her arm and watch her heart beat slowly come to a halt and she was gone. my family is crying and i can't even lift my head up i'm squeezing her arm and i'm crying and i won't let go. everyone is just watching this and my dad is trying to make me let go and trying to grab my hand off and i won't let go i'm not ready for this. i'm screaming in my head "THIS IS NOT FAIR, YOU CAN'T LEAVE, YOU HAVE TO FIGHT! COME BACK PLEASE! MOM! MOM! MOM!" i finally let go but i still haven't said anything. i get like a second alone with her before Mrs. Diana came in but i'm standing there looking at my mom who has been my everything my whole life who is now gone and i'm tracing every outline of her clothing and holding her hand and whispering that i love her and i feel her face and it's so cold and Mrs. Diana comes in and my mom had teddy bears on her pajama's and she pointed them out and told me that my mom will always be there for me and always be in my heart and she isn't really gone and will always watch over me. The rest of the night was just going home and telling my nana and people came over and were just doing the best to be there for us. I finally spoke on the ride home from the hospital as i sat in the front seat next to my dad holding my mom's stuffed bear, i made it my own, believing that she is apart of this bear because it was hers and it was there when she passed. That bear was the only thing that helped me sleep that night.
alot is going on in my life and some things are tough to get through some easier then others i will always miss my mom and wish i could change things and make it back to how my life was but i know it will never happen.
i came on to this site thinking i would just look then found myself writing but about what, i had a completely different thing to write about and my mind took over and this is what came out...i'm sorry for the long post and sorry if you actually read it i mean that's great but it is long!
In Loving Memory Of Alison F. Sullivan<3
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| | Posted 11/16/2007 6:45 PM - 1 view - 2 comments
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