Saturday, April 05, 2008
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1990ish
Every issue I have today is related to safety. This stems from emotional and physical abuse from my father as a child, as well as neglect.
Right now I'm not reexperiencing any specific trauma, just a general memory. I'm 5 or 6. He's chasing me in the kitchen, catching me and beating me. I didn't do anything wrong, or if I did I don't know what it is. I don't want him to hit me, but even more than that I don't want him to yell at me. Terror. Physical pain. Emotional ... what was that? I guess I did the whole child-dissociation thing, where if I went to another place I would be ok. I just wanted desperately to do the right thing, to do the things he wanted from me. I literally did/said/thought everything he demanded of me, and he still beat me for disobeying. I remember being so desperate to please him. Of course I didn't want to get hit, but when he made me feel like I was nothing it was so much worse.
What I'd say to him if child me had a voice: I didn't do anything wrong! What is the matter with you? Leave me alone! I don't care what you expect from me! I can see that nothing I ever do in my whole life will make you love me unconditionally, so I could care less if you beat me now. Come on, beat me where someone can see it! Incriminate yourself, you bastard! YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME.
This is too painful. I can't write anymore now.
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Comments (2)
I can't imagine abuse from a parent, the people who are suppose to be there for you the most. What a coward. That's all I'm going to say about how I feel about parents who beat there children but how awful, I can't imagine.
I've had one experience with physical abuse (besides spankings and what not) and it was by an ex boyfriend. That did enough damage as it is, more so me being extremely flinchy to quick movements my way and extremely sensitive to people touching my face, picking me up or playfully punching me. Or even people around me getting angry. My boyfriend learned all this real quick. No quick movements towards me, no getting angry and throwing or punching things. Those effects and those memories are enough for me. I can't imagine emotional attachment being involved.
I'm here for you as much as I can.