Thursday, March 20, 2008
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Medical rant
I went to my dr. way back, I think in January, and he mentioned doing a nerve conduction test to see why my feet are so awful. He also started me on Lyrica, which made me think I could get off the elavil. Wrong. I was sooo down and miserable. So I went back on that, half a pill a day. I thought that was working, but yesterday I was just a mess. I feel so useless and worthless, like I can't do anything right, and all the choices that I make are wrong. I feel like I'm ruining my kids' lives by homeschooling them, but sending Vivian to the gang-infested middle school is really not an option either. I know somewhere in my brain that homeschooling is the best decision, but I feel like I have done it so poorly they'd be better off anywhere. I also feel like dh would be so much better off without me around to screw everything up. Yes, I know, he'd be totally lost without me, blah blah blah, but he would be so much better off with someone who would keep house, and be stricter on the kids, and still be a sex goddess at night. Someone who's not broken. I feel like I'm defective, or broken, because I can't handle the stuff that I should be doing. And so many people do all that stuff, plus work full time. Why can't I get myself together? I think most of it is this pigsty of a house. During all the antidepressant times, I just don't care enough to keep up with housework, so when I start to come off of them, I freak out because it's so bad and I can't get a handle on it. That makes me feel like such a total failure. It shadows everything I do and I almost feel like I'm walking around with my filthy house tied to me like a ball and chain. I can't find stuff, I can't have people over to my house, I can't volunteer to do anything, because my house is such disaster. I'm working on it, really. I've been trying to do one big cleaning challenge a day. But Chad wants to have friends over all the time, and Vivian needs to have friends over because she doesn't have anyone in the neighborhood to play with, and I just can't. I'm grouchy when people are here because I see it all as someone else would, and I'm horrified. I want them to just go away and not see my mess, and I want someone else (my kids) to be trying as hard as I am to clean it up. Imagine if 3 of us were tackling one disaster a day??? And not leaving a wake of disaster everywhere we go instead! Amazing. But I don't know how to motivate them. Never have. I'm a failure of a mother too.
I think I need a bigger dose of happy pills so I can go off happily into don't-care-land. Ugh!!!
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Comments (5)
Wow Are you my long lost sister? j/k I don't know if it is the time of the year or what. The weather just won't turny springy enough and we are beginning to bounce madly around our home.
Try making a list and checking the list off as you go around the house. That works for me during my overwhelming most depressing times. I see more dirt when people come to my house than any other time. It's weird.
If he talks on the phone and I get nervous about what he is saying I begin to clean and clean fast to work out anxiety! Is that not bizarre?
If I lived closer to you I'd be over to hug you and help you out. Maybe we could both veg out together and figure it all out somehow.
oh yeah, i forgot I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and typically the first thing that causes the doctors to look for it is that you get so skinny and just lose all this weight. I am in like 5% of people who didn't lose a drastic amount of weight because of this particular thyroid disorder...Lovely. That was my big chance to be thin and once again, that didn't work out for me either.
You are doing something very valuable in the lives of your children! Maybe it's the March blahs you are feeling too. Hang in there. Spring is coming and you're not a failure. You sound like you care very much and that's not being a failure. Hugs!
@Feeling4Real - I could only wish it was still winter! We've already had 3 tornadoes and it's in the seventies. That's part of my depression problem. I HATE hot weather, I hate being sweaty, I can't think of or do anything else when I'm hot- I'm just miserable and hate it. It will be hot from now till October at the earliest. Ugh!