...this feeling that I just can't bring myself to get enough done everyday. I struggle to move. All I want to do is sleep. Emotions feel trapped under the surface unable to find a way out. The crushing weight of laundry (the pile is over my head again...), yard work Todd can't possibly do, errands, repairs, oil changes, schooling, paper work for residency, financial stuff. It just goes on and on. I feel like I've got some fat man sitting on my chest and I can't get that darned buster to move!!

And the more school we do the dirtier my house gets! Tegan and Tyler get a kick out of raiding the kitchen while I'm working on school with the other children. They spread rolled oats all inside my carpets, couches, and kitchen drawers one morning. Another day they climbed up and found the syrup. I'm still touching things that are sticky from syrup hands, and that was days ago!! The worst thing is the bathroom. They take baths every time I turn around! Wet clothes and floors; whole bottles of shampoo emptied into the tub. Bubbles everywhere!!! I can't keep the soap and shampoo away from them!! No matter where I've tried hiding it, they find it and use the whole thing in one bath. I've tried assigning an older child to watch the younger ones and taking turns, but the older child ends up playing in the back yard, reading a book, or playing in their room while the little ones do their thing. It's maddening!! The mess is getting monumental. My poor husband is afraid to come home from work! And my house is starting to stink!!

But I have to get my self together. Sinking into depression or frozen panic won't fix anything or make my life any more doable. I have to shake the overwhelming sense of failure and defeat! My children are happy, well fed, and loving having their mommy teach them. We've talked more in the past few weeks. Ya, know. Just talked. They ask me lots of questions and we talk about how God has such a special and unique plan for their lives. They've been asking to hear more details about how their daddy and I met. I never get tired of telling those stories! We have loved on each other more in these past few weeks and I just can't get enough of being with them!

Todd and I, too, have just carved out time to love on each other. He listens to me melt down and has been so patient with my screwed up coping mechanisms and been willing to love me exactly where I'm at. I don't know where he finds the energy for that with his crazy schedule but I adore him for it!! This pain in my chest is probably also from the dread of him leaving the end of the month for two whole months on the road.... I can't even process what the pain of not having him around will be like! I thought I would die the 5 weeks we were apart several years ago... (This is just too much to think about! I'm gonna make myself sick.)

So I'm really ok. A dirty house isn't the end of the world and my laundry pile is shrinking (albeit at such a minuscule rate it's barely noticeable ) and school is happening. The world will keep grinding on even if I'm not "super mom"...

As I picked out a seat for church, and settled myself and the three littlest girls I had with me this morning, I tried not to dread what was coming. First off, I really don't like going to church without Todd. He makes everything feel more complete. It also evens out the responsibilities with 5 little ones in the service. But today Todd was out of town helping his family with some projects this weekend and had taken Trenton and Trina along with him.

For a change I was about 3 minutes early. I had my pick of the seats and chose a nice one on the second to the last row on the end so I could easily slip out. I really wished Tegan had felt like being in the nursery this week. But the second we hit the parking lot she'd started crying and saying she wanted to stay with mommy. It's been a rough week for her with school starting and all the focus going to the other kids so I worried she needed to sit with mommy for an hour instead of being dropped off in the nursery she usually enjoys. But that left me without the resources I desperately was going to need to handle my sweet darling Tyler.

Church has slowly become very different for our family. We used to be the "model" family. Our three little angels all lined up sitting attentively on the second row with the baby serenely sleeping in mother's arms. Nearly every week somebody complemented us on what well behaved children we had. When our 4th child, Tyler, was old enough and she started going to the nursery she did well but when she was about to turn 4 they reminded us that it was time she graduated out. We took a deep breath and started the training process with her. The being quiet part came quickly but holding her on your lap was like trying to hold on to 4 active puppies at once without letting a single one escape for an hour and a half! No matter how many times we whispered in her ear or took her out for discipline she still wiggled around and jerked her body this way and that without warning. I've gotten a fat lip more than once from her jerking her head back so suddenly and nailing me right in the teeth! She fiddles with my buttons, grabs at my hair, plants big smoochy kisses right on my carefully glossed lips, and rumples my skirt into embarrassing bunches, all while smiling hugely and looking all around curiously. When corrected she whispers cheerily, "Yes, momma.' and "Sorry, momma." with genuine contrition. But the wiggling and jerking just continues.

And during the songs she belts one note at the top of her lungs or randomly shrieks a blood curdling scream of pure joy that jolts the poor senior citizen in front of us into near heart failure! We apologize profusely in whispers but they only scowl like, "why can't you control your kid?" Tyler just beams at them as if completely oblivious to their painful, throbbing eardrums. We whisper more reminders which are met with more, "Ok, momma"s in the same cheery tone.

If we don't watch carefully between services our precious Tybee will climb onto a chair and wait for some unsuspecting stranger to get close enough and then launch herself into their arms and engulf them in a massive bear hug; complete with arms and legs wrapped around them and then cling there as if she belongs. The look of pure shock and panic is plainly evident on the poor victim's face and we have to rush to pry her loose while again apologizing profusely! If we don't get there fast enough she's been known to plant a wet smooch right on their mortified lips! Needless to say, we no longer get complements on our children's behavior! Unknowingly, Tyler's presence casts a shadow over the entire clan and people hardly notice the other children's good behavior.

Now please don't misunderstand what I am saying here. I know that people's approval or disproval of my children or how they appear in public is of absolutely no eternal value and I honestly don't desire pats on the back or praise for my parenting. What's hard are the head shakes, the eye rolls, the puffs of air. Very few people take the time to see past the wiggles and outbursts of enthusiasm to see a little girl who is simply different. One can find no malice. No bad attitude. A precious Sunday School teacher of Tyler's once told me that Tyler was one of the most obedient little girls she had in her class. She laughed as she said, "I ask Tyler, 'Go back to your seat.' and she goes right back. Of course she doen't stay there but about 30 seconds but as soon as I reminder her, 'Tyler, go back to your seat.' she goes right back again. Over and over and over throughout the entire class. We get along fine. She just needs a lot of reminders." I felt so bad she had to constantly remind my child of something so simple as 'stay in your seat' but I deeply appreciated her kindness and understanding!

But this morning as I prepared mentally to go to battle with the wiggles my heart just sank. Lord, how is this gonna work? How am I going to educate her? What can I do to help her? How do I deal with the kids who snub her and the parents who specify that Trenton, Trina, and Tacey can come play but not Tyler? I know she feels it, Lord! What in the world can I do??

It is such an incredible privilege to raise such a unique and enthusiastic little person as our Tyler! We don't take it for granted! We want to do right by her from the depth of our souls! But she has so many struggles to overcome and hurdles to get over and she isn't even 5 yet! I see the frustration building. I see the glimmers of pain lurking behind those beautiful blue eyes and it breaks my heart! We are committed to doing everything it takes but I feel so weary and I've just been fighting the Sunday service wiggles!! As this next week approaches and I tackle kindergarten with her I am terrified that I'll be pulling my hair out in the first five minutes! How am I going to find the kind of help I need without being pushed to put her on drugs or encouraged to just let the professionals handle her. She isn't retarded or brain damaged! She's just TYLER! You can call it ADHD but it doesn't change the fact that she's our little girl and we intend to treat her as we would any of our other children.

Our other children have little friends over, take trips to grandma's, and go play at friends houses. I want these things for Tyler, I just don't know how to help her prepare for them or help educate the people who are about to have her descend upon their home! Just whispering, 'she has ADHD...' with a wink isn't going to help things and I certainly don't want to start making excuses for her or throwing labels around! But what other options do I have?

Plus momma needs a break! I'm at this full time. Cleaning up messes, perpetually asking her to stop screaming for no apparent reason other than she's happy or excited or just playing, ever rescuing cats, dogs, and birds from sudden demise at her capable hands, constantly checking on where she is, and trying to keep her from taking the 8th bath of the day!! She obsesses over water (which she LOVES), "scary toys" (which is totally random and changes from day to day), thunder (which both thrills and terrifies her at the same time), the current story she is trying to tell over and over (each time shifting gears before the whole thought is out), and the dog (who she is constantly trying to lead around on a leash and inadvertently almost strangling every hour or so). I love the adventure but sometimes it would be nice to have some time without worrying about her. Or at least have someone to talk to who gets it!

Speaking of I haven't heard from her in a while so I'd better head outside to make sure the dogs are still alive!

~Ta ta, for now...