Wednesday, May 21, 2008
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Still dealing with codependency
I thought I was over feeling codependent. But it hit me again yesterday in relation to my friend Matt. I haven't seen him for awhile due to busy schedules, even though we've talked by phone. He called me over the weekend and asked if I could meet him on Monday, saying he needed to talk and was feeling stressed. We couldn't find a mutually convenient time, but Tuesday evening seemed good after my daughter's baseball game. I texted him in the afternoon to double-check, and we usually text ahead to say we're on the way, but he didn't respond to either text. Since I had an errand near Barnes and Noble where we usually meet, I went out anyway expecting him to call or text. But nothing. I walked around Barnes for awhile, called but just got his voicemail. Texted one last time saying I was leaving at 9:30.
I started feeling pissed off. I could've stayed home for my kids' bedtime. Tonight is busier than last, and I had said I could maybe meet in between activities tonight if he couldn't make it Tuesday, but we had agreed on Tuesday. But then I start to think that he's back to using. Just like Nic in "Beautiful Boy". Maybe not. He's been sober almost two months, got a good job now selling cars at a Ford dealer, and being quite successful with six cars sold in his first two weeks. But now I'm worried. Dammit. I'm not supposed to feel that. He's an addict, in early recovery. I shouldn't expect him to keep his word, or be upset when he doesn't. The message I heard in church two weeks ago encouraged us to come alongside addicts and help and support them. It wasn't mentioned that they can fail us. But who am I to talk? I fail God all the time.
The hard part is that I was looking forward to seeing Matt all day. My job is very stressful right now, and yeah, I'd like to escape it sometimes, but I keep trudging along, getting done what I can in a day, unwinding at the end of the day and trying to keep focus on my wife and kids. But I need friends, too, and Matt has become the friend I like to get together with when I need to unwind. I care about him deeply, and wish I could see him more often. It hurts that I missed seeing him last night. But I have to shake it off and consider that I am prone to codependency, especially when I get stressed.
Still, I miss him. Hopefully he calls today and fills me in on what happened. He hasn't really stood me up before now that I think of it, so maybe I'm overreacting. We'll see.
[Edit: I did get a text mid-day saying that he was sick. But it was a short message, and out of character a little since he normally would call if something came up, especially since he was the one who suggested we get together yesterday. Oh well. I did get some good advice from PJ in the comments below. Thanks!]
Jeff
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Comments (7)
Honestly - this doesn't sound like codependency to me, but dealing with abandonment issues. Most often, people who are dealing with abandonment are looking to be nurtured; which it sounds to me that you are. Addicts of the type you mention above are not equipped to provide that, and traditionally will do exactly the opposite, which is abandon the people in their lives (thus pushing a very big button for you).
I would encourage you to ask yourself why continue to seek out addicts as friends, expecting them to provide this skill, knowing that they are probably not capable of doing so??
Continue to provide support to addicts in recovery if you find value in that, but I think you need to make it a one-way expectation. I think it's time you look for some new friends with whom you have shared interests outside of recovery and addiction; people who can reciprocate your nurturing tendencies.
Be well!
@AerialPJ - Hey, I appreciate your input. This friendship sort of built along the way over the past 4-1/2 years, and I have to be careful with my boundaries. I agree 100%, but it's the doing that is the hard part sometimes, when the attachment starts to happen. I have grown from how I used to attach to friends, but decided to post on this one because it has grown in emotion and I need to be careful. I think some of it has to do with my older brother who has totally abandoned me, so you did hit the nail on the head, but I've grown in my understanding of that as well and no longer seek his approval in any way, nor even seek to rebuild relationship. I definitely try to build new friendships when the opportunity arises, and I know I can't focus those efforts on addicts or alcoholics who I meet through personal ministry. A friend of mine who is a counselor gives me similar advice.
Sometimes posting up the vulnerable stuff helps us to overcome them. I commend you for your courage to do so!
I have to agree with PJ to some degree, but I also want to address something else. Not every thought or feeling which enters our minds comes from our redeemed spiritual selves. 2 Corinthians 5:17 states "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." And in Ephesians 4:22 we are told, "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;"
New creation realities are for right now. We have a born again spirit which is kind after His kind, and it is from that new inner man that Christ works His salvation outward. We are called to be His coworker, by putting or throwing off the still present flesh nature, as well as to withstand the flaming arrows of Satan. For all intents and purposes Satan and our flesh nature or one and the same. Our flesh nature is a willful servant of Satan and his lies. We are to treat both the external and internal Satan (Satan by the way means "opposer or one who opposes") the same way. Notice what God says in Hebrews 4:12 "For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." The word of God will cut away the control of our soulish flesh nature leaving the inner man the only one standing.
You don't have to fully discern who is tempting you, it's all the devil. What defeats Satan is the Spirit empowered word of God. I have no doubt there may well be some old soulish remnants of both codependency, and abandonment issues. God says the truth is you're a new creation and those old remnants are to be cut away and cast off of us. Bringing God into your situation through wielding the Sword of the Spirit at His enemy is a win win situation.
Thank God for giving you insight and wisdom to understand what's going on!
BP
@Such_Were_You - Thanks, Lonnie. Good words for me to apply, both with my friend, and as I begin to anticipate the possibility of seeing my brother in threee weeks at my dad's birthday party if he decides to show up. I will definitely have to be walking in the Spirit on that occasion. It's been a journey with Matt, alternately caring deeply in ministry, and sometimes realizing I've attached too strongly. Your words will be applied to good effect.
It's a learning experience. Each time we are confronted with our old sinful ways and habits, it is an opportunity to cut away with the Sword of the Spirit. If you haven't done it yet, may I suggest that before you see your brother that you take time during your prayer/devotion time to ask God for specific Scriptures that He would like you to use when dealing with your brother. I have found that if we ask, God will tell us Scriptures which will work for us. Sometimes the Scriptures God gives may seem a little odd, but I've found that God knows exactly what we need to win the battles with Satan/flesh. And being quick to repent is another incredible tool which keeps us free from being controlled by our sin natures. I'm sure what I've said is what you already do, but I also know many people read your blog, and I've found this information to be of the greatest value to me.
Blessings and I'll be praying for you as you plan your dad's party. If your brother shows up, I know God will give you the wisdom you need to deal with the situation.
Lonnie
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