| | - tuesdays. psh.
i just realized today that i have a paper due on thursday and a midterm on friday...surprise!!! (mostly i just dont pay attention for fear of the anxiety leading up to said, midterm and/or paper.)
everything in my head is so disjointed right now.
how do you fend off negative things that the world tells you about yourself when you know they're not true but believe them because the world has proved them to you? i guess don't trust the world. but everything is so tangible its impossible not to trust it. thats like asking you to not believe in reality. and i guess that works for conspiracy science fiction theorists or something...but humble little me can't seem to find any or very little justification to prove those lies wrong. the world tells me i'm worthless and unwanted and undesireable at its worst. and even when its lies are mediocre they say that i'm unimportant and far from interesting.
i know this is starting to sound like a pity party. but i didnt realize until tonight that the root of a lot of my anger is just at life in general for dealing me such a crappy lot of lies that are so convincable that now i believe them. their proof is the constant in my life that i want to get rid of. and all the stuff that's happened crammed into a week or so serve as further proof of those lies.
i'm not making sense anymore. basically life sucks sometimes because it tells me it sucks. so what do you do?
moving on...
i miss long conversations with friends that dont involve what's going wrong. conversations driven with interest and passion. i miss the comfort with friends. lately every major friendship i have has kind of departed a little in one way or another. everything has gotten just a bit more awkward for some reason. and i dont like that one bit. i really miss summer and how everything was so comfortable.
i really think this summer i'm supposed to do my internship in the UK. there's no real valid reason i should stay here this summer. so unless something comes up, UK or bust.
today i noticed:
-my french teacher must be either-dead, a CIA agent, or a French spy. because she cancelled class all week. again. i dont mind too much because i dont have to get up for a 10am class anymore. muhaha. but still. teach me french woman! ack.
-i still get flustered and frustrated when i'm expected to lead worship where i'm unable to spiritually go yet as a leader. i'm new at this.
-lydia likes to tell me she likes my clothes everyday. lol.
-teen girl squad is awesome. my bass feels seaworthy. aw peas.
-bird really loves miguel.
-singles awareness day is going to make me feel more aware than ever. S.A.D.
-the wind is too freaking cold. i need to remember to wear a sweatshirt tomorrow. freezing.
-my well is bone dry. and i'm done pretending its full.
fin.
so. this was tuesday. well actually, wednesday since its after midnight. ah technicalities (probably spelled that wrong). time for honk shoe.
~rachel~ |
| | Posted 2/2/2005 3:45 AM - 1 view - 0 comments
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