I am supposed to be spiritually high after the Disciple Training Camp, but on the contrary, I am in a spiritual depression.

At the sharing session, my 立志 is to accept God's arrangement. Accept what He has given me and not given me and accept who I am and am not. I had tears in my eyes as I said this.

Following DT camp, we went back to get the temp-cert and to register. Then we went to Eaton Hotel at Jordan for the Invisalign talk. My mood spiraled down throughout the talk. Approaching the end of the talk, I was filled with tears. I couldn't stop myself from weeping on my way to home on the bus.

I have listed out the reason of my depression. Any contributing factor I could think of, no matter how mediocre its influence is.

1.  Throughout my whole life, I have not been able to accept whom I am. I have not been able to trust wholeheartedly in God's forgiveness. I am not able to forgive myself and accept myself as God forgives and accepts me. As a result, I am unwilling to reveal myself, to reveal my weaknesses. Therefore there are parts of my soul which are dark, not penetrated by the light of God.

Now I am aware of this, I will let God help me to open up. So, that one day, I will be His testimonial.

2.  My tears fell for the 05 Christians. The sorrow of parting is mixed with worry.

Looking back at our little cell group, I think I must have been like a terrorist to other brothers and sisters. I am sorry that I used a wrong way to express my love.

I wish everyone of us has made the correct choice. It is not a matter of getting a good job, it is a matter of choosing to follow Jesus Christ wherever we go. I don't want to lose anyone. I don't want to find out in the future that somebody has left God. Though far from being a parent, I thought of the verse 教養孩童, 使他走當行的道, 就是到老他也不偏離. There is no way that I mean I am the person who taught them, but I wish somehow, they have been taught the path they ought to walk, and they will not deviate even when they are old.

3.  It has been a difficult task for me to complete BDS. It is asking for too much from me. But when I try to think of the Grace God has bestowed on me, what I have been through worth what I gained.

4.  I realized that I am not prepared to go into the world. This ruthless, enormous world. I am still like a child, ignorant of what is happening out there.

5.  Sometimes, when you see that people choose the others instead of you, you can't help but feel rejected. But I learn to say 因我所遭遇的是出於你, 我就默然不語.

Though I am ordinary, one day, I will be able to help the people who are going through similar situations. Then perhaps, I will be a channel of God's blessings to these people.

I remembered after the year 4 OSCA, I was in a spiritual depression as well. At that time, George was the only one whom I allow to comfort me. Yau Chai and Paul also did comfort me. Jim, Ah Wah, Audi, Fiona and Lisa showed their concern, but somehow barred by me. I locked myself in a world of despair, I seem to be enjoying it alone.

Time flies and things are different now. George, Ah Wah etc are no longer the same people, and I am not the same Kim. I must grow up, I will not lock myself up again, and I ask anyone who is willing, to pray for me.

一宿雖然有哭泣, 早晨便必歡呼.