I'm a Christian

I'm a Christian. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, the Messiah, Emmanuel, Redeemer, the Alpha and Omega, Prince of Peace, Lord of Lords, King of Kings, my Saviour. That makes me a marked man. Questions will be asked, my personal integrity, my personal life, and my conversations will be monitored and examined. Dorothy Sayers once said that God went through three humiliations:

• Incarnation - a God so omnipotent, so infinite, so limitless would come down on earth and take the form of a human being, limited in a body so frail and vulnerable to pain, sickness, violence, and time
• Crucifixion - taking the shame of all the world on the cross, where He endured the ultimate ignominy
• The Church - laying His reputation on the line and in the hands of sinful, wicked creatures like us

Here God is, laying His reputation on the line, betting on me that I will carry out His will and be His salt and light in this world. I still can't believe that God has made me a part of His plan, and I can't help to feel that I am failing Him miserably right now. I used to think that just because I don't drink and do drugs, don't curse or say the wrong things, and that I pray before my meals, that that would make a difference amongst my peers, that they would notice that I am "different". How immature and foolish I was to think that it would!

I've realized that being "holier" than other people such as your friends, your classmates, and your co-workers may actually be more harmful than good. It gives off the impression that you think that you're better than they are; you might not think that but your friends, co-workers, and classmates may think that you think you're better than they are. And when you do slip, such as let out a small curse word or say something wrong, your mistake is even more magnified. If anything, I've realized that I'm even worse because I actually do think those thoughts from time to time, the "I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, curse, or have pre-marital sex so I'm better than everyone in my grade and classes."

Over the past couple of years, I've been getting pretty close with my classmates since our Civil and Environmental Engineering program has a set curriculum of classes, so all 52 of the students in my grade (myself included) have the same classes. I'm known as the guy who wears the Jesus shirts, the overly-religious guy, the Jesus freak, and any other name to identify myself as the "Jesus guy". At first, I thought it was pretty cool but now, I realize that I have such a high standard to live up to every second that I spend with them. I used to look at them as these projects, people who I was trying to save; I had this salesman mentality, to make them "buy" Jesus and the Gospel. I would treat Jesus like a product and share them about all the benefits and how it's such a great deal. I would enter these relationships solely to reach out to them, and if they wouldn't respond, I would move on to the next group of "clients". It wasn't long before God made me realize how much of a joke I was making Him out to be in front of my peers. He made me realize that I although I was interacting with non-believers, I wasn't sharing His heart for them. I didn't love the people who I was talking to. Recently, God has definitely given me His heart for His people; I can honestly say that I don't enter relationships for the sole purpose of evangelizing. I enter relationships with other people because I care about them intrinsically and not instrumentally, as a means to an end, as clients to sell Jesus to. I won't ditch them if they don't ever come to know Jesus, but I will continue to love them and be their friend until it is our time to leave this earth.

I'm definitely failing God in representing Him and all that He stands for when it comes to interacting with my class friends. I didn't want them to think that I thought I was better than them so I tried to make it appear that I'm still a normal guy and not some good-two-shoes Jesus freak. I would talk about girls, about my past, about everything in order to try to relate to them. I would never be able to come up with answers for some of their questions. I would compromise some things, such as ranking the girls in our class, but never cross the line for the others, such as cursing, drugs, and smoking. All in all, I fail God when I try to represent Him publicly, and I fail Him even more privately.

I wish I could have done a better job representing God because He deserves the best. Unfortunately, I am so wretched and evil, and all of my deeds, no matter how big or good they are are nothing but dirty rags to Him (Isaiah 64:6). I fail Him constantly, everyday, every second of my life and He still allows me to draw near to Him and still loves me. What did I ever do to deserve a love like this? Absolutely NOTHING. Love isn't something that is earned; love is simply just given, and God has a lot of love to give, as demonstrated by the Crucifixion.

So yeah, I'm a Christian. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, the Messiah, Emmanuel, Redeemer, the Alpha and Omega, Prince of Peace, Lord of Lords, King of Kings, my Saviour. That doesn't mean that I am better than you or anyone else. That doesn't mean that I deserve more in this life than you or anyone else. It just simply means that you realize that someone accepts you even though you are jacked up and don't deserve anything but death. It means that you are even more sinful than you ever thought you were, and the more you mature and grow in faith, the bigger the sinner you realize you are. It means that you realize how weak and utterly helpless you are and that someone is willing to carry you and take you the rest of the way when you don't want to run anymore. It means that someone will pick you up and encourage you to continue when you stumble and fall over and over again. It means that someone loves you more than you love yourself. It means that you have something and Someone to depend on and to rely on in those moments where you feel like the world has turned upside down and have no one or nothing else to cling on to. It means being alive and living for something greater than yourself or anything that this world has to offer. It means that you don't have to worry about your future because God is in control of everything, and you're a part of His plan. It means that you are a child of God, and that nothing you ever do will make God love you less or more. Nothing will EVER change that.

Annoyed at God

Weak and Vulnerable

A Preview of Post-College Life

So my first week in "the real world" has definitely gone by quickly. Currently, for those of you who don't know and/or care, I am working (interning) for the prestigious Loiederman Soltesz Associates, Inc. in their Lanham office in Maryland. I have my own cubicle (I'll take a picture eventually) and it is rather huge. So far, I am getting trained on how to use the programs necessary to get the job done, and learning from the actual project engineers and landscape architects. The pay isn't too bad but it isn't amazing. Hopefully, I will be getting paid more once I start a full time position.

I thought New York and Philly traffic is bad.....wow, Maryland traffic is just plain AWFUL. As I was driving down the I-95 south to move in on Sunday afternoon, the I-95 north was backed up for 60 MILES. Although the traffic is crazy, I definitely wouldn't mind living here after I graduate, and if LSA does happen to offer me a full-time position after my internship is over, I will definitely take it (I am all about loyalty; they were the only ones who were willing to give me a shot) unless God has other plans.

God has been pretty interesting to me lately and I am simply confused as to what He wants out of me this summer and for the rest of next year. Hopefully, He will give me some clarity soon.

Ever since I injured my back 3 months ago (bulged a disc deadlifting 500 lbs), I realized how much I didn't depend on God and how undisciplined I was in my faith compared to my tenacity with living the life of a bodybuilder. I'm not going to lie.....I WANT to work out agan....I WANT to lift heavy weights (400lbs +) again....I WANT to feel the pump in my arms, my back, my chest, my legs, again.......but maybe God is teaching me how foolish I am that I am seeking pleasure in something that clearly only brings glory to myself. I always tell myself how I am going to use my experience and passion for lifting weights to reach out to bodybuilders and whatnot, but for the most part, it is all about me and nothing about God. I lost weight but I definitely lost muscle mass and gained some fat as well, but I think I definitely look good for a guy who hasn't seriously worked out in over 3 months. Going to be starting physical therapy in a week so hopefully, I'll be 100% by the end of the summer. This experience has definitely showed me how vulnerable I am and how vain and selfish I am, still checking myself out in the mirror to see if I lost anymore weight, or if I got fatter or anything like that. Although I would love to say that once my back is healed, that I am only going to be lifting to bring glory to His name, I would be lying because I know I would be lifting to make myself look better as well. I look back and I realize how foolish I was, being so disciplined/OCD with eating a clean diet, doing cardio, etc. during cutting phases, and trying to eat 5000+ calories during bulking phases, counting the number of calories, grams of protein, carbohydrates, and fat in each meal and shake, but not being able to do my QTs, remember a single point I heard from a sermon the previous week, and pray. Maybe this injury was a wake up call.

And oh yeah, I'm pretty much by myself for the rest of my internship (until beginning of August) so if you have the chance, PLEASE VISIT ME!!!! or if you're going to be in the area (Maryland/DC/Virginia), let's chill.   

"My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:26

A Year of Many Lessons Learned

As this school year comes to an end, I look back on what God has revealed to me thus far, the trials that I faced and how I failed them miserably, and how in the end, despite all of my failures, He still cheers me on to finish the race.

Did I learn a lot this year? You bet. Serving in youth ministry has definitely helped me to open my eyes and see how hard ministry actually is, and how lost, miserable, and depressed you can get if your faith isn't dependent on God first. I was able to see that if I rely on myself and myself alone, I can't do anything, and instead, I will do more harm than good, even if my motives are sincere and pure.

Did I fail a lot this year? I can't even count the number of promises that I broke. I can't even count the number of times I contradicted myself. One of Pastor Min's points from his sermon from OIL this year can't be more evident: That during our time on earth, being a Christian is NOT about perfection, since we will never be perfect while we are on earth. That instead of concentrating and focusing on perfection, that we should look at PROGRESS. Even going from negative to 0 is STILL progress.

These last 2 weeks of school and finals will not be fun. I am starting to get burned out and sick of studying. All nighter after all nighter has left me with an abnormal sleep schedule. It is in moments like these where I notice that Satan works the hardest to tempt us, to undo everything that the Holy Spirit has done in us thus far. I think he is very clever and sly, picking the moments when we are the most vulnerable and weak, to begin his relentless attack. And let's face it, there will be times when we will fail, because we are human and because we are inherently sinful. But instead of feeling guilty and wanting to stop running afterwards, we should look up to the cross and know that He isn't ashamed of us for our stumbling, tripping, and falling, that He couldn't care less because Jesus bore all of our shame.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." - Hebrews 12:1-2