Tuesday, May 17, 2005

  • publicpolicy

    so i was coming back from grabbing lunch with jon and eileen today and as we were going up the elevator, this dude, COMPLETELY violated the natural elevator ethics that was beset for all of humanity to use.  first, the dude wasn't standing in the place farthest from the next human body.  nor did he step aside when people wanted to get off.  also, he was totally making eye contact with people AND he was standing in the middle of the elevator.  i mean...COME ON!  and this got me thinking...i wanna be just like this guy.

    there are a couple things you can do in public places that will make people feel strangely uncomfortable...these are places where for some reason, have unsaid rules and laws that most people abide by.  here is a way to completely break all of them and be the completely social awkward guy all your coworkers talk about.

    pardon the poor diagrams.  what can i say - my mouse is my paintbrush.

    be socially awkward in the elevator
    to disrupt all ethics, here's what you do.

    first the key to explain what the symbols mean -

    so when entering the elevator,

    you have the stranger standing non chalantly in the back, just as they should

    go straight for the person.  make sure to make total eye contact.

    you should end up like this:

    and then when the doors close, pick a random body part on the stranger and just concentrate on it.


    extra points if you manage to stand on them

     

    be socially awkward in the bathroom

    so a typical urinal set up in the men's room looks like this:

    and typically you'll see a stranger head for a urinal

    that's when you should pick the urinal closest to the guy

    and once again, stare at a random body part

    be socially awkward when shaking hands

    typically, when shaking hands, it looks like this

    but the key to make this as socially awkward as possible is just like a woman's monthly visitor- it's all about timing

    about when you feel like you should let go, count to 50.  yes, 50.  and continue to hold their hand.  extra points if you're able to make your palms sweaty.

    but i noticed, some people (aka FOBS) don't think this is weird that's when you have to start drastic measures.

    don't worry, from there, all you have to do is start rubbing your thumb around while making circular motions.

    and of course while you do it,

    stare at a random body part

    the end.

     

    this presentation was brought to you by


    thanks to minusime.com for the header idea



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