Tuesday, September 25, 2007

• wife tactics

  so it's inevitable that i would share some adventures in marriageland....little personal stories (that i affectionately call "wife tactics") that i hope will help future husbands to better prepare themselves for a healthier and more fun marriage. 

  but before i go on, i must first put up the disclaimer:

  my wife is the most wonderful person in the world.  there is no one else like her.  in no way is this post supposed to be mean in any way.  and i hope to never sleep on the couch, especially for this.  thank you.

  ok - with that out of the way - future men, today i will share about the weapon of mass destruction: NAIL POLISH.

  that's right folks - nail polish.  this clever device is used by wives in a very cunning way.  first of all, if you ever hang out with the XX chromosome possessor, you'll notice that when they use nail polish they immediately fill the room with noxious fumes. 

  NOXIOUS FUMES
  fact: it is known that the fumes from nail polish kill brain cells.  that's right - the very cells that we use to compute sports scores, assess where the closest place to get hot dogs, and the epicenter of remembering righty tighty lefty loosey.  what you don't know is that, these fumes have NO EFFECT on females.  you see, they start painting their nails at an early age - when their brains are still developing.  therefore, their development accomodates for these changes and adapt to the fumes and grow under those conditions.  thus creating a more advanced being.  think wesley and iocaine powder - yes, it's like that.

  what they are really doing is killing our brain cells!  yes, all 12 of them.  that way our reasoning skills decrease, they gain the upper hand in logic fights, and we stumble when we are caught 'staring' at other people.  i call this, their first WAVE.

  CHORES
  i think this is the most clever of them all - apparently, after nail polish is applied to their claws, they are incapable of doing anything.

  "can you pick up that bag for me?  my nails are drying"
  "can you wash the dishes, my nails are drying."
  "can you scratch my back, my nails are drying."
  "can you throw out the leftovers? my nails are drying."
  "can you wash the laundry, my nails are drying."
  "can you pick up my mom, my nails are drying."

  that's right - apparently we are fed lies that it takes 14 hours for nail polish to dry.  i mean come on, in that time, daniel-san can paint the fence 20 times in Mr. Miagi's house.  but note, they will save ALL chores and bring them all up when their nails are drying.  i mean, when else is there a better time?

  FINANCIAL
  and finally, there's the financial attack.  for some reason, nails break all the time, or the nail polish isn't on right and suddenly to them their hands look like robin williams hands.  which means only one thing - something they call code name:

  MANI-PEDI

  no, mani-pedi is not a town in dubai, it's the code word for $30 out of your pockets - gone, never will see it again.  and also note, that when they talk about this mani-pedi, they will use words like "I NEED"...just like how starving kids who can get fed for a whole year on $30 say "i need food".  same need.

  in the end, you will see that they will do an assault on your bank account thus robbing you of all financial power.

   

  so friends, men, boyfriends, husbands, and country men - fear the nail polish.  secretly dump this witches brew liquid in the trash and save yourself.  nail polish can pwn you.

   

  [edit] darn it - i rescind my pop culture merit badge - MIYAGI, mr. MIYAGI.  my apologies.

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