Wednesday, May 07, 2008

• OLD SKOOOOL

  oh man, i was looking through my archives and found this:

  remember that song you used to sing as a kid - 12 little monkeys jumping on the bed?

  if you don't remember, it basically goes like this:

  10 little monkeys jumping on my bed,
  one fell down and broke his head
  momma called the doctor and the doctor said,
  "no more monkeys jumping on the bed."

  now - like all songs you sang as a kid, this one makes absolutely no sense.  clearly, this song was about not to jump on the bed right?  it's one of those strange ways our parents teaches us things what not to do (aka, eat watermelon seeds and a watermelon grows in your stomach..etc etc etc.)

  but lets seriously think about this for a second.  imagine if you were jumping on your bed with your...9 other siblings.  first of all, your bed better be friggin big to accomodate!  i don't care how small your 9 other siblings are, even a king sized bed would be a tight fit.

  and then there's the second line - one fell down and broke his head.  first of all, NO CRAP ONE FELL DOWN.  you have 10 kids jumping on the bed - of course someone's gonna fall.  and WTH!  he BROKE his HEAD?!  if you saw your little brother fall off, crack his skull against the floor or wall -blood everywhere, would i be like "i think i'm gonna keep jumping on this bed."  let alone, eventually all your siblings all fell off and cracked their skulls - would you KEEP jumping?  you would have to be one stupid kid.

  and check this mom out - she's so friggin calm.  i mean, she could pick up her kid, throw him in the car and run all the red lights to rush to the emergency room...or even call 911 and have an ambulance do it, but instead, she just calls the doctor...speaking of the doctor, whats up with this quack!?  uh...hello!?  she called because HER FRIGGING KID'S HEAD CRACKED OPEN and the best solution you have is telling the other kids to not jump?  uh..someone better revoke your medical license!  or are you sure the mother ain't calling Dr. KERVORKIAN?

  so...basically, let's get this straight...some parent didn't want their kid to jump on the bed, and instead makes a song about their sibling's skulls cracking open, jumping on a bed that's not physically capable of supporting 10 kids, a dysfunctional mother, and a charlatan doctor who's as useful as a solar powered flash light.

  so, as a public service, i have made this more accurate version of the song:

  3 little monkeys jumping on the enormous posture-pedic king sized bed,
  one fell down and cracked his head open with blood and brains oozing out,
  all the kids freaked out at the site of blood and never jumped on a bed again.
  in fact, none of them ever got near a bed anymore.
  after the ambulance visit, and the team of trauma center doctors at UCLA performed emergency brain surgery on the monkey
  the mother files a lawsuit and sues against the bed maker claiming the bed was too dangerous.
  after 5 years of litigation and lawyer costs and bills,
  she wins millions of dollars in the case.  and never works ever again.
  the end.

  • 11:51 AM
  • 60 eprops
  • 30 comments