Currently Reading The Great Gatsby By F. Scott Fitzgerald see related

Things.

School's almost over. Good.

Water Park of America made Star Tribune's "10 Things to Flip About This Summer" list.  I work there.

The Reel Big Fish concert made Star Tribune's calendar of highlights for the summer.  I'm going there.

I once rolled a one sided die.  I got a one.

Acoustic guitar is finally restrung.  Good.

Yeah.

Cohen the Barbarian.

Currently Listening In Through the Out Door By Led Zeppelin Fool in the Rain see related

After I wrote this whole post, I realized that it is very long.  You've been warned.

Well howdy strangers!  I'm gonna update since it's been exactly two months since my last post.  What's that?  It's been two months and one day?  Well thanks for correcting me, superfan.  I was just testing you.  Really.

So the last two months: some stuff good, some stuff not so good, and the like.  Here are some hilights (like the magazine.  Actually, speaking of Highlights the magazine, I have a hilarious story about how dumb I was when I was little.  I used to get Highlights, and on the front it always said "Fun With a Purpose."  As in a slogan.  But for some reason- I really wasn't that bad a reader, I must have just glanced over it quickly- I thought for a few years at least that it said "Fun With a Porpoise."  As in the marine animal.  So every issue I would look through and think "Where's the damn porpoise?"  Then I would think "Who taught me to swear already?"  Just kidding, I made the swearing part up.  But I really did look for a porpoise in every issue.  Wow, this has been a really long parenthetical comment.)  So, onto the... whatever we were doing--- get ready for a bunch of really random stuff---

Regarding Animal Farm:  I'm sorry.  Really, really sorry.  I thought it was OK, but then I watched a recording and realized that it must have been kind of long to sit through (for those in AP Language, notice the use of dramatic understatement in the last sentence).  The costumes were really hot (temperature-wise, not pants-party-wise) and I think I have problems with my back from bending over so much.  Then again, the show did help me perfect my neighing.  If anyone wants to hear me neigh the roof off, just aks me.

Hey, speaking of AP stuff (and the crowd goes, "What?"), AP tests suck.  My hand actually fell off during one of the tests.  I'm not even kidding.

Ok I am kidding.  But they still suck.

Happy Mother's Day!!  I don't think that really applies to anyone reading this, but you never know.

The speech postseason was aight.  I got fourth in the state in Creative Expression and sixth in Somewhat-Creative Expression and I didn't place in Really-Freaking-Boring Expression.  Oh well.

The next few weeks include a theater banquet, a speech banquet, a band banquet, and various award nights and stuff.  The end of the year is coming up blisteringly fast.  There are lots of seniors that I wish I could keep around.  I think I'm going to start kidnapping them.

The best band in the world, Nate Litman and the Breakfast Club, is playing a handful of gigs around this time.  Watch us rock racism at the aptly named Rock Against Racism this Friday, May 19, at about 3:00.  If you don't go, you like racism.  Also, we have a lot of other pending shows, so I'll keep y'all in the know.  We're also going to try to lay down some tracks for a CD and get it out before school ends.  Again, I'll know more later.

I find myself quoting Hamlet a lot after seeing it at the Guthrie.  It's pretty much just like a normal summer movie:  incest, swordfights, armies, insanity, backstabbing, forcing poison down people's throats, really long and prefectly worded monologues, etc.  Shakespeare is somehow related to Britney Spears, right?

Do you like to swim?  Indoors?  Do you like ten story water slides?  Most importantly, do you want to see that ravishing Ben Cohen shirtless for extended periods of time?  Then come to the Waterpark of America as soon as it opens, which is tomorrow (gulp).  That's right, I'm a for-serious lifeguard now.  I know what you're thinking- you want to do the Sand Lot trick and pretend to drown so I give you mouth to mouth.  Don't waste your time: 1.  We don't give mouth to mouth, we use nifty breathing masks.  2:  You'd have to hold your breath for a really long time to make anyone think you actually needed rescue breathing.  So don't try it.   But you should all really come anyway.  I'm not too sure about pricing or any of that junk, but I do know that it's a sweet place with especially amazing water slides.

And finally, some music that I'm into right now (because the thing at the top just isn't enough):

-Layla by Eric clappy-clap-Clapton

- In the Spring at the Time When Kings Go Off to War: The best piece I've ever played in band by far.  I finally have a recording of it.  We perform it on Wednesday the 31st.

Oh that reminds me of something!  My birthday is coming up on June 1, so this month is officially the Month Before Ben Cohen's Birthday month.  That means you have to do everthing I say, no backsies.  Now more music:

-Rancid.  They're pretty sweet.

- American Girl.  No, not the dolls.  The Tom Petty song.  And no, I really don't have an American Girl doll collection under my bed, I promise.

-more Zeppelin, as always.  Fool in the Rain is probably my favorite song as of now.  Here are some lyrics so you can imagine the music.  If you don't know the music, imagine something really, really good.

Well there’s a light in your eye that keeps shining
Like a star that can’t wait for the night
I hate to think I’ve been blinded baby
Why can’t I see you tonight?

And the warmth of your smile starts a-burnin’
And the thrill of your touch gives me fright
And I’m shaking so much, really yearning
Why don’t you show up, make it all right?
Yeah, it’s all right.

And if you promised you’d love so completely
And you said you would always be true
You swore that you would never leave me, baby:
What ever happened to you?

And you thought it was only in movies
As you wish all your dreams would come true
It ain’t the first time believe me, baby
I’m standin here feeling blue
Yeah I’m blue

Now I will stand in the rain on the corner
I’ll watch the people go shuffling downtown
Another ten minutes no longer
And then I’m turning around

The clock on the wall’s moving slower
My heart it sinks to the ground
And the storm that I thought would blow over
Clouds the light of the love that I found

Now my body is starting to quiver
And the palms of my hands getting wet
I’ve got no reason to doubt you baby,
It’s all a terrible mess

I’ll run in the rain till I’m breathless
When I’m breathless I’ll run till I drop, hey
The thoughts of a fool’s kind of careless
I’m just a fool waiting on the wrong block, oh yeah
Light of the love that I found...

So true.

So that's about it.  I'm going to put a disclaimer at the top about how long this post is, but you already know that.  Thanks for reading.  You stay classy, Apple Valley.

Cohen the Barbarian, out.

Currently Listening Sublime By Sublime What I Got, Santeria see related

HELLLLLOOOO LOYAL FANS!!

I figure I have time to update since it's a snow day and all.

Okay, so stuff that's happened since our last pulitzer-quality entry:

The winter holidays came and went and were good, speech season started and is now almost over, Broadway was awesome.

Okay, to make things interesting, I'm going to do a countdown.  Because I feel like it.  So, without and further shenanigans, here's my countodown:

THE TOP TEN GAMES EVER

Okay fellas and felladies, I'm not talking about all that Nintendo/X-box/Playstation crap.  I'm also not talking about board games or card games or word games.  I'm talking the real games of our youth.  Just read on and you'll see what I mean.  Let the countdown begin.

SPECIAL MENTION FOR WORST GAME EVER:

OBO-SHINOTIN-TOTIN-WHATEVER

Like an N*Sync CD, this is only fun for the first five seconds it's played.  Plus it was sexist ("All boys are rotten") and nobody ever agreed what to count to at the end.

Now here's the real stuff.

#10  STARING CONTESTS

True story:  I once had a staring contest with a picture of Jesus.  I lost.

#9  THUMB WARS

Everybody knows that the best part of  a thumb war is all the complicated thumb choreography and the chant that you have to perform to start the thumb war.  A close second is the feeling of your opponent's thumb writhing desperately once you finally have them pinned.  And if you're getting bored, you can aways punch your opponent in the face and say you were just really into the game.

#8  SPIN THE BOTTLE

The reason that this isn't higher on the list is that how much fun it is can vary a huge amount based on what was in the bottle before the game and how much of it you had.

#7  KING OF THE HILL

Using whatever means necessary to knock someone off a high point and replace them.  Sounds fun.  For brutal play, use a tall rock.  If you want to live, play in winter and use a snow pile.

#6  ARM WRESTLING

Only really fun when you play someone weaker than you.  But if you do, it's a great way to show off.

#5  RED ROVER

Like king of the hill, this is basically a game of pure agression.  However, it requires the strength of the whole team, since the weakest part is the part attacked.  It can also last pretty much forever if each team has some weaklings.  I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I just thought I'd comment on it.

#4  HIDE AND GO SEEK

Normal hide and go seek is okay, but can have its drawbacks.  In fact, the better you are (especially as a hider) the more boring the game is.  Where this game really shines is in the "sardines" variation.  In this game, you have to hide with the hider when you find them.  The last person to find them loses.  Besides being funny because it singles out one loser instead of one winner, it can result in having lots of people crammed in a small space like a closet, clown style.

#3  CAPTURE THE FLAG

One of the best things about capture the flag is the variety of places it can be played and how they change the game.  In a field, the game is basically about speed.  In a large area, like a whole camp or something, it is mostly about staying unseen.  In other cases, like around a house, it is a mixture of both.  While rules about hiding flags (does it have to show or not?), going to jail (if you don't escort them, can they run back?), and capture (can you throw the flag if you're about to be caught?) are often debated, that doesn't stop CTF from being a solid game.

#2  ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS

While at first Rock, Paper, Scissors (affectionately referred to as "RPS" by many) seems like a game of complete luck, when you delve deeper you find that it is really a mental battle to predict what your opponent thinks you will do so you can do the opposite:  He just used rock.  He won't use it again.  Wait, he might do it just because he knows I think he won't.  But then again, he might know that I'll think that and go with scissors so that when I try to use paper to cover his rock, he cuts me.  AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  Like so.  Now that I think about it, this game is kind of ridiculous.  I see how paper and scissors go together, but where the hell did they get rock?  And since when would it be defeated when it was covered by paper?  Rock smashing scissors and scissors cutting paper actually sound threatening.  I wouldn't want to be smashed or cut by them.  But covered by paper?  Bring it on, you whimp.

#1  TAG

There is no doubt that tag is the single greatest game ever.  There is no other game that is such a perfect mix of simplicity and skill.  When you add in all the variations (flashlight, don't touch the ground, T.V., and of course, freeze) it really makes you miss the age when it was socially acceptable to play it.  But still, if you ever want to do something hilarious, go up to a stranger in a public place, smack them, yell "YOU'RE IT NO TAGBACKS!" and run away.  I guarantee you that they will play.

Well there you go.  Those are pretty much the best things ever to play.  If anyone ever wants to have a huge game of tag, capture the flag, or any other game on the list, give me a ring.  I kinda miss them.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  Cohen the Barbarian, out.

HAPPY WHATEVER YOU CELEBRATE!

from your favorite barbarian in the world,

               Ben Cohen

Currently Listening Smash Hits By The Jimi Hendrix Experience see related

If you don't plan on reading this whole post, at least go to the last part to read something very important.

This last week has pwned n00bzors.

First of all, there's only one day left until holiday break.  Christmas and the first night of Hannukah happen to both be on the 25th, so it's pretty much gonna be Christmas tree by morning and dreidel by night.

The annual band Cutthroat Holiday Gift Exchange is tomorrow, and I definitely have the best gift.  It's supposed to be under five Washingtons, so I just got five things from the dollar store.  Then I realized that I can fit all of them but one into the theme of an EXTREME NINJA KIT.  The things are: a ninja archery playset thingy, duct tape (for rappelling), industrial rubber gloves (for the ninja that needs EXTREME gloves), a set of mega-blocks (a lego rip off, used for making makeshift ladders), and then a GI Joe puzzle (just because).  Oh, and for all you band kids that are gonna be in the exchange tomorrow, you now know what the gift to get is.

So yeah.  What else... there was a holiday voice recital last night that went really well for everybody.  I sang the Christmas Song.  THE Christmas Song.  I got it.  Which means I must be the best one.  Okay, just kidding.  But that is the name of it (it's that chesnuts one).  Haha, chestnuts.  Giggle.

The speech lock in on Friday was the bee's knees, too.  Nothing like fashion shows with speech kids.

And I just recently got me some Jimi and Stevie Ray to listen to.  I'm lovin' it.  Kind of like McDonald's, but better than that shit scraped off the floor.  Way better.

Here's the important thing (for all of you skippers):

Nate Litman and the Breakfast Club is playing the Rock the Hurricane benefit concert for Hurricane Katrina victims at the Minneapolis Convention center on Sunday, January 22!  Doors open at 4:30, show starts at 5:00 and I guess goes until 11-ish.  Tix are $10 advance (call (952) 221-5108 for advance tix) or $12 at the door.  We're playing with a bunch of other local bands, and it'll be a pretty rockin' show (hence the name).  I expect you all to be there.  Oh yeah, and you have to tell everyone in your address book about it or you'll be cursed with bad luck for 7 years or something.  I'll give you more det's (cuz that's what I call details now) later.

Cohen the Barbarian out.

Wait.  Where's the comma?