Tuesday, June 10, 2008
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Stonewalled!
My boyfriend and I haven't been doing so well lately. I'm actually about ready to end things. I was reluctant to start dating him due to a lack of spark between us. What I didn't realize is that there may have been underlying reasons as to why I was not drawn to him.
Last week he stonewalled me. Completely! You know what that means...it means he completely ignores me, doesn't say anything to me, and doesn't show any expression. I was sick two weekends ago and was in bed for a week. On Monday I fell asleep right after work and didn't wake up until around 1:30 a.m. I thought that was too late to call him so I sent a text saying "goodnight."
The next day I stopped by his house and he was very short with me. I knew why. He was upset that I didn't call. So I quickly apologized and tried to tell him my story.
But he cut me off. "I don't want to hear it." He said before I could get even a sentence out. I spent the entire afternoon and evening following him around the yard and the house while he completely ignored me.
(You see, when I'm at home and I don't call him, he gets afraid that I'm hanging out with my ex-fiancé)
We started talking a little on Wednesday and Thursday. I asked what he wanted me to do; there was not much more that I could do other than apologize.
Friday he got together with his buddies and started telling them how upset he was that I didn’t call. And all that buddy-talk must have got his wheels turning again because he refused to talk to me all of Friday.
I finally felt I had to confront him. I apologized again, reminded him that I was sick and sleeping, and asked why he was so upset. I asked if he didn't trust me. I asked if there was something else making him upset because it didn't seem to me that a lack-of-phone-call would make someone so upset for so long. I asked if he had prayed about whatever is bothering him and when he was going to forgive me.
And he just glared at me. Stonewalled, gossiped about, and un-forgiven, I decided not to hang out with him over the weekend. I thought some time apart was in order. (Though I called each night)
It's not just because of this one secluded incident that I want to break up with him. There have been other things going on. There are a lot of little things about him that I don't necessarily agree with. Our morals are a bit different. And, though I thought I was possibly over my ex-fiancé, I am not. I've been to a few weddings already this spring and they remind me again and again that I was going to be getting married this summer.
I'm not sure what the best way to break up with someone is. I want to make it easy on him; I don't want to be a heartbreaker (though it feels like he's already checked out of the relationship). I think I will offer to be friends if he'd like (it's not like we've been dating that long and we were friends before). If he doesn't, that's cool. I may tell him that I don't think it is fair to him to be dating him when my heart isn't in it. I'm not sure exactly what I'll say yet, but I'm pretty sure this relationship is done. And I feel good about breaking us up!!
HUGS and BLESSINGS!
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Comments (9)
I was usually the one who got dumped, and didn't do it well the few times I did do the breaking up. However, I had a roommate one year who was older and wiser than me. I was dating a guy who I knew wasn't "the one" though he was a good guy. I believed it was wrong to date someone if there was no future, so I set about to break up with him asap. My roommie talked to me and said I needed to wait for GOD's timing. I was stumped. WAsn't it Godly of me to dump him straight off, without waiting, because that was the honorable thing to do? She said no. So she partnered with me in prayer and we prayed for the Lord to show me God's timing. It's a funny story how the breakup took so long, but I'll spare you the details. Basically, in God's timing, the opportunity presented itself and it went very smoothly.
Mercy girl! You seem unusually drawn to the possessive and controlling type of men! This story sounds like almost a complete repeat of ones you posted about your ex. I'd suggest the same thing I did last time: Say "It's over" and just be matter of fact about it. Chances are he'll react just like what you've seen before: Disbelief (because you are showing strength), begging (because he can't stand to fail) and anger & gossip (because he failed).
I pray you much wisdom, courage and confidence.
@BigToePeople - Good advice from Ms Twinkle Toes
Wait on the Lord to lead you as you pray about it.
Now just general relationship advice. Why were you the one always calling him? A man is supposed to pursue you ( they are still in that cave man mentality). And why did he get so bent out of shape that you did not call? He COULD have called you. You had been sick and could have been again. You might have been really sick and needed someone.
When a man goes into his 'cave' and doesn't communicate, like he was doing this past Friday...leave em be. Don't call, don't do anything, and wait for them to come back out. Us women have a tendency to try to 'fix' things and try to force them to talk to us.
We continually go through this all of our life. It doesn't matter if you are single and married. It is just in our genes to try to fix stuff...family, friends, children, spouses.
You see it a lot, but it does ring true: "Let go and let God."
Good luck in figuring it all out.
Don't offer to be friends, just end it.
Sounds like the guy has a bit of growing up to do.
I can't say it better than twinkle toes either but I will say this, if a guy gets upset because "his" girl is home sick and hasn't called, why didn't he pick up the phone and call "his" girl? Very inconsiderate if you ask me. I check on my wife when she is sick and has gone to work even though them gals she works with will call me if they think they need too and they have done this on occasion.
I'm so sorry about that. Somehow I missed this post 2 days ago.
@HumbleWalk - Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I think I'm drawn to the "controlling and possessive" types, if you will, because I like guys who are very in control. I realize there is a line between being a strong man and being controlling, but its sometimes hard to see before you know someone very, very well. And I think that guys who are very strong like that can easily slip into being controlling and possessive when they feel that there is something wrong between the two of us, which there was...just as a sweet girl can slip into a bit of a negative attitude if she feels that something in the relationship is going right. I hope I didn't make this guy seem as controlling as I may have. I do think he's a pretty great guy all-around.
Generally, being "in control" is illusory. Down deep, many guys realize they are not completely in control and it frightens them into pretending they are in control by being possessive and controlling. Women do the same thing by being manipulative. This demonstrates a lack of maturity. True control is self-restraint, and that takes wisdom. Look for the guy of strong character who doesn't have to be in charge and you will find one who will lead well when he needs to.