You're working so hard to understand your mother and find a way to allow her to express the love she wants to express in the way she probably won't stop expressing it (buying things) but still not compromise the values you're trying to install. Good for you for both being understanding AND holding your ground!

A few more random thoughts -- You could also steer her toward arts and crafts stuff at Walmart. It may be true that they don't have a lot of educational stuff in the toy aisle, but they DO usually have a big arts/crafts/office supplies section, a garden section, and other areas of the store where she could indulge the kids with things that they would really enjoy and are still "fun" -- paints, crayons, modelling clay, etc. -- but that will be more useful at the same time. You said that she wants everything to be about fun, fun, fun -- maybe if, when she visits, you planned some activities for her to do with the kids that would use items like this, she would get the idea that these things ARE fun AND educational, and she might make better choices when left to her own devices.

In places where you can set up a gift registry, too, like Walmart or Target or K-Mart or Toys-R-Us, you could register for things that you approve of and the kids would really enjoy -- that would allow her to walk in and "impulse buy" but maybe take a quick detour to the front desk to check the registry first!

Good for you for trying to understand her intentions and trying to work out a compromise. I hope it works out well!

I agree, it's so terrific that you are open to a situation that benefits both of you... and that you are willing to look for/at the deeper reasons for it on your mom's part.

That passage about real love was wonderful. The relationship between partners is such an amazing, challenging thing isn't it?

Wow, I missed all this. But it sounds like you are in a very good place about it. It is great that you seek to understand your mother and her behavior, instead of just judging it.

My mom is the same in a lot of ways. The only thing that saves me from even more clutter is the fact she has ten grandchildren who live with her! My mom's mother died when she was three. I think it's fair to say that her step-mom never approved of her at all. My mother's parents were very careful and practical with money. I don't think they ever over-indulged my mother in any way. Yet she spends and spends and seems to need to give people things. I think it's because she wants people to love her and she doesn't stop and examine herself or why she does things. Yeah, that simple.

I wonder how kids do learn about money and consumerism? My mom wasn't poor, but had frugal parents, and my father grew-up up poor and on a farm. He's worked since he was 8 years old. Neither of them grew-up with the sort of materialism they embrace today. After years of making very good money, they're are still heavily in debt and probably always will be. They spend without thinking and it doesn't seem to bother them.

Kind of in response to ivyblogs, I think a lot of work needs to go into the receipt of the gifts....not comparing grandparents who give according to need, and those who give, give, give.  The children can understand the difference if you approach the situation just like you blogged.  Showing love does not mean giving gifts, but if not handled correctly, a child may have a hard time understanding that concept when grandparents give differently.