Saturday, May 31, 2008

  • 112.6

    so i'm coming to realize more and more that my ed is worse than i think it is. i always thought i was an ana girl who could stop when she wanted to, and jsut go back to being normal. i'm in over my head and i'm not sure what to do. honestly i'd like to get some counseling or something but i don't have the money for it. i can't even watch tv w/o wanting to crawl in a hole and die. lately i've been watching shows on you tube. first i started with Super Slim Me, a show where 2 women have 5 weeks to get into a size zero pants. after finishing that i found Supersize vs Superskinny, where they make a raelly underweight and a really overweight person swap meals. and now i've started watching Freaky Eaters, which is just interesting as fuck cuz people are terrified of veggies and fruit. but watching these shows has kinda opened my eyes to the damage i'm doing to my body. the girls on supersize v superskinny eat like 1000 something cals a day, and they're all like 100lbs. i've been eating like that for a long time, so why am i not like that? it makes me wonder if i keep going if i'll end up looking like them. i'd like it for a little while, but i think i'd get sick of how fragile, weak, and awkward i'd feel.

    my mind is battling itself. do i want to be really skinny, or healthy? and why can't i have both?! i know if i start eating like a normal person i'll blow up to the size my body was built to be at. and i've been that size before and i hated it. so wtf? why can't i eat like a normal person but stay how i look now? i'd really like that. i'm terrified of gaining my 10-15lbs back. i'm absolutely petrified. what should i do? this is really confusing.

    but thinking about it, the things i've been eating are very healthy. i've changed from the mindset of "i want food but i can't have it"  to a lovely state of  "if i'm going to eat something it better be nutrtional." and it's a lot easier thinking like that. i don't want soda, cookies, icecream, cake...even as i'm thiking of these things none of them sound appealing. i'd rather have a huge bowl of fruit than a pizza. i'm happy that my mind has changed like this. i heard that the longer you went w/o eating sweet and junk food the less you'd want it, and it turned out to be true. but as much as i'm eating healthy food, i'ms tarting to see the effects of my diet in negative ways. i'm really emotional, tired, weak, and i have dark circles under my eyes. i'm eating so healthy, but i'm not getting enough of everything i need. i'm taking vitamins everyday, but i still need more calcium and B12 i know for-sure. i keep planning my meals each day and i'm like "ok i need at least 1000cals." but then when  i start adding everything up i worry when it goes over 800cals, so i make changes and end up getting like 700cals. boo! i'm really going to try harder to eat more. but i'm following my month-long healthy eating thing rather well. here's percentages so far (see a previous post for grading scale):

    day 1 (5/26) 90%

    day 2 (5/27) 100%

    day 3 (5/28) 100%

    day 4 (5/29) 100%

    day 5 (5/30) 80% (too sore and tired to work out)

    day 6 (5/31) today! so we'll see what it is...

    almost a week down already! wow. it doesn't seem like it at all. well, i'm going to find something to do..i don't know what....probably cleaning...

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