Tuesday, May 06, 2008

• Cultural misunderstandings for make benefit of US in A (I will slap you with a fish)

  Currently Listening Shapes Red By Various Artists see related

   

  If your a tourist in Oxford and you ask me:

  "How do I get to the University?"

  Then I will slap you round the face with a fish.

  Really hard.

  So hard infact; that you stand rooted to the spot for the next 10 minutes rubbing your cheek as it swells, wondering if that guy really did just fish-slap you, or if it was a figment of your imagination.

  I'll skip away in the other direction confused as to why exactly I had a fish at that moment in time, and on the look-out for another one, and some string, so I can make fish nunchucks.

  But in the unlikely event I don't have a fish to hand then i'll point you in the wrong direction.

  Why?

  (a) I'm a bastard,

  (b) I have nothing better to do with my life,

  But more to the point...

  (c) Quite frankly, mis-informed tourists have become annoying

  You see, there is no University campus or center, but lots of different colleges dispersed around the City which combined create Oxford University. But it seems 90% of visitors haven't quite grasped that despite having months to prepare themselves and a lonely planet guide in tow, and I'll be asked "How do I get to the University" a guaranteed minimum of five-times-a-day, similar to having a four year old (or midget-girlfriend) tugging at your trouser leg going; "why...why...why." 

  Just as irritating is having tourists photograph me whilst at work; like the English bar-man is on an endangered species list, or radically different from one found at home. The only thing to come of it will be an awkward conversation as you flick through the photo-album with friends and explain;

  "This is the guy who served our drinks... um... I couldn't tell you anything else about him... except that he gave us the wrong directions to the University."

  And you friend will go: "Hey... wait a minute.... I recognise him, he's on the FBIs most wanted terrorist list for continual fish-slapping of US citizens."

  I would charge for the photograph priviledge, but I make a fair amount from those same tourists tipping. With a British customer i'm lucky to have the occassional "keep the change" and subsequently a shiny bronze coin to my name, which if I save enough of then after a few weeks I might be able to afford a sock (just one, not quite enough for a pair.) But when you guys roll into town then I soon have enough money for all the socks to make my heart-content. Seriously you don't need to tip (unless it's me serving you of course.)

  Whilst I can undestand photographing a red phone box, or a black-cab, or double decker bus, or policemen with their funny hats, I'm not quite sure why me at work is quite so fascinating (if any of the previous listed can be classed 'fascinating' that is.) 

  Personally, i'd advise buying a map before travelling, that way people will realise there is no 'University' as such, and that they won't find Hogwarts. 

  And whilst I'm at it; a few other misunderstandings to throw out the window:

  • The United Kingdom is not a subsidary of McDonald's.
  • We use pounds, not Euros. 
  • I don't know/have not met/do not like the Queen.
  • Robin Hood is no longer alive, so it's safe to travel through the middle of the country without being robbed at bow-and-arrow 'for the poor.'
  • At the moment it's not raining, nor does it allways (but I guess true to form I have now talked about the weather)
  • Since the invention of the toothbrush our dental hygiene has considerably improved.
  • It's football, not soccer.

  Although your right in assuming that David Beckham is God (note: capital 'G', whereas regular god, small 'g').

  And I will use my accent to my own advantage.

   

  Apolagies if this reads as me moaning - you'll have to excuse that as my distinct Britshness.

  Cheerio chaps'

  ... for now.

   

  Ps1: No tea was drunk in the making of this post.

  Ps2: If your a hot female aged 18-21 ignore the above entry, and feel free to ask me "How do I get to the University", and i'll give you a personal tour of the City, English accent included for no additional charge.

  Ps3: In true British fashion; please form an orderly que to leave a comment at the bottom of this entry.

  Ps4: Sometimes I feel like the token English guy on Xanga.

  Ps5: Wouldn't slapping someone with a fish be incredibly fun? I'm adding it to my list of things to do before I die, it can sit next to streaking at Disneyland. 

   

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