Thursday, November 02, 2006

• Currently Listening Begin to Hope By Regina Spektor see related

  
  
  unpopular mechanics, or "how i write xanga entries" . . .
  
  
  
  I see all you Thomas' out there. Already doubting.  Thinking "No way she has an actual approach... I read this stuff. I should know."
  
  And granted, unless you call two liters of Dr. Pepper and extended couch time an “approach,” you’re right on target.  
  
  [  And, on a side note, if you gleaned conclusive evidence from that sentence for the direct link between college and weight gain,  you're also right on target.  ]
  

  Anyway, I do have a general mode of activity leading up to the point where I post.  And I’m thinking that disclosing that mode will probably aid you in your attempts to understand exactly where in the shallow end of the gene pool I was born... and keep you from wondering why the heck I write about the things I do.

   

  . . .

  
  

  The following takes place the night before I have an exam scheduled or a paper due. Like, tonight.
  
  

  9:00 p.m.  Pry study guide / essay outline from clawlike fingers.  Rub eyes, which are screaming, "THANK YOU FOR STARING AT A LAPTOP IN THE DARK ALL DAY."  Hope I still have 20/10 vision. Need a break. Think about writing a Xanga post.  Ponder “duty to fans.”  Wonder if that's pretentious.
  

  9:01 p.m.  Read last few posts. Wonder how I manage to write such lengthy pieces about spam and bugs. Wonder if I used to be funny. Read archives.  Conclude that I have grown increasingly less funny with age.  Worry about future and ability to snag a husband. 

  9:04 p.m.  Come to terms with the fact that humor isn’t my thing.  Tweeze eyebrows, cultivate charm, return to study guide / paper.

  . . .
   

  2:45 a.m.  Pry study guide / essay outline from clawlike fingers. Rub eyes, which are screaming "THANK YOU FOR STARING AT A LAPTOP IN THE DARK ALL NIGHT LONG." Cling to hopes of 20/20 vision.  Think about writing a post.  Ponder duty to fans. Come up with philosophy behind the relationship between blogger and the blog reader involving both Nietzsche and J.R Packer.  Share said phillosophy with everyone online, that they might marvel at my genius.  Consider switching to Theory.
  

  3:20 a.m.  Read last few posts. Wonder HOW I managed to write such lengthy pieces about SPAM and BUGS?!  I am HILARIOUS!  Forget journnalism, I am going to BLOG for the REST OF MY LIFE. I WILL BE THE QUEEN OF THE BLOGGERS IN MY XXL SWEATSHIRT with CHEETO DUST COATING MY FACE AND IT WON'T MATTER! 
  
  Come up with topic. Write, write, write, giggle, write, write.

  3:35 a.m.  Proof post. Laugh hysterically. Plan to post the next day, after a good night’s 2 hours of sleep.  I am awesome.
  

  5:45 a.m.  Wake up on couch amongst approx 47 empty cans of Dr. Pepper.  Check paper.  6 pages to go before 8 o' clock.  Screw academics, I'm going to be a blogger!

  ( Hi, Mom!  My education is not being wasted! Nor do I stay up late, ever.  This is all hyperbole! ).
  

  Groggily proof post.  Realize I’ve written 2,000 incomprehensible words about my favorite pen, My Little Pony, the toaster, Frank Hardy and Styrofoam “poppie thingies.”  Vow never to write after 2:00.  Or ever again.  Feel renewed sense of duty to correctly capture the spirit of the Emergent Church in a 10 page research paper.  Go back to sleep.
   

  . . .
  
  

  Yeah, so basically, that’s my method.  It aint perfect, but it keeps things nice and sparse around here, except for those few posts which actually go through in that 3:00-4:00a.m. window.  For which I am truly, truly sorry.  If you had but seen the ones I didn’t post, you would appreciate the gravity of my benevolence.
  
  
  

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