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Relaxing for Birth (and intimate details of my sex-life)
According to Dr. & Mrs. Sears, relaxation helps your labor in five ways:
- untenses birthing muscles to help them stretch more comfortably
- raises pain threshold, lessening labor discomforts
- releases natural pain-lessening hormones
- enhances mental acuity for decision making
- conserves energy, lessening exhaustion
In my last labor, unlike my first, I felt a very confused "I'm not sure
what is going on" feeling, early in the labor. I was having
contractions that hurt, but were bearable. They also weren't
doing much of anything. I could feel small movements coming from
Seamus. He was turned the wrong way, and I could feel his hands
and knees moving. If he had been turned the proper direction, any
movements would have been big ones (butt shifting).
The reason for this is because there are nerve receptors in the muscles
that ring your abdomen. Belly to back, you can feel pain.
On the inside? Nope. Not really. A baby can bounce on
your bladder or kick you in the ribcage, but you really can't feel him
pummeling your insides, if he's turned the correct position.
So, I remember having these minor league contractions for the better
part of a day, and growing more and more weary of not progressing, and
the baby not turning, although we were certainly trying. I was
tense. I was confused. I was not relaxed.
I know I wasn't relaxed.
My doula must have known she was in for a tough night w/ me. What
a relief it must have been for her that I am a fast laborer.
By the way, I'll explain here what a doula is, because I think some of
my readers might like to know. A doula is a birth care
provider. It is a gal who is there for you to help w/ massage,
help you move around into different positions if you find it impossible
to do yourself (like I did). She will get you food and water, she
will help you w/your relaxation exercises, whatever you need, pretty
much she will do. My doula was a gift from heaven. A mother
of four, she had attended many, many births. She is the founder
& president of the impressive local Birth Care Network, and a
childbirth educator. She prayed w/ me, she got me into and out of
the shower, she spoke to Steve for me when I had no voice of my
own. She absolutely read my mind and she made the birth so much
easier for me. She was full of advice, she was full of
wisdom. I wish I had been better at relaxing, but I don't think I
did enough honest-to-God preparation to be able to do that.
Despite the books I read, which I borrowed from my doula. Despite
the tapes we watched, despite, despite, despite...I thought that
when the time came, my body would know what to do. And, don't get
me wrong, your body WILL know what to do. It was my head that got
me into trouble.
I wrote recently that I was and am afraid of birthing alone. Of
doing this thing all by myself. I don't mean "alone" as in
"having no one else in the room w/ me." I mean "alone" like you
go to the bathroom alone. No one else can perform that bodily
function FOR you.
When I had Sam, I was a medicated member of a team delivering
him. Sam had many medical complications as a result of the drugs,
the interventions, the stress, etc. He is a growing boy, but I
feel certain his highly-interventive birth is something that will take
years for him to overcome. He is just not as robust as his
brother. I know they are different kids, but in terms of health,
it is like they are from two different families. I took better
care of myself (pre-natal) w/ Sam. I ate better, I took my
vitamins, etc. I drank a ton of water (I retained somewhere in
the neighborhood of 30 lbs. of water, I am not kidding). And yet
when the time came for birth, I unwittingly failed him, even though I'd
considered myself as prepared as I could be, having watched all the
hospital's movies, having read What to Expect When You're Expecting.
That wasn't enough.
I remember lying in the hospital, scared to death, not allowed to get
up from my bed, and wanting to change positions so badly. "What
are you scared of?" a nurse asked me. "I've never done this
before," I said. I mean, w/ such sensitive people around me, how
could I NOT be comfortable, right?
They put an IV lead into my hand and I started to cry. "What is
wrong?" said the nurse. "Haven't you ever had an IV
before?" She asked the question like you would ask someone
"Haven't you ever seen fireworks before?" She was
incredulous. I cried harder. "No, I've never been in the
hospital before," I said. I was trying so hard to be
strong. I mean, it was just an IV, how bad could it be, right? (I am crying now, typing this.)
I wasn't prepared in the slightest. My doctor had told me not to
worry about Lamaze or any breathing exercises because "The nurses will
know what to do. They will take care of you." I trusted
that, but it wasn't so much the Dr.'s fault as it was my own ignorance,
and what I truly believe is a demi-conspiracy of denial and silence
that many women cling to, out of ignorance and good intentions.
No one wants to upet a pregnant woman. It's up to the expectant
mom to go out and learn what she can. And...you know, if all you
know about childbirth education is what your friends have done, and all
they've done is read one book and go to the classes the hospital puts
on for free, then you're limiting yourself to an "education" that is
built upon surgical techniques, medical practices, and pharmaceutical
solutions.
Frankly, people got WAY MORE INTERESTED in the election this year than
they ever do in childbirth. To me, that is so backward.
Childbirth is something that most families will go through. Dads
and Moms alike have this experience, through different
perspectives. It's something that really hits home. It's
not across the ocean, it's not a historical service record, it's not a
televised convention or a detached interview w/ Larry King. It's
a real, live life event unfolding through nature in the very heart of
your family life.
Trusting your education on this topic to the hospital, or to just your
doctor, or to just a book (or just two books) is akin to reading one
news article in one newspaper, one day out of the year, and then six
months later voting based on that one article.
It's not a well-rounded education. It's not realistic.
Yet, this is what so many of us Americans do. We are conditioned
to trust the medical community. This serves us well in times of
dire emergency (heart attack, surgeries, etc.)
But childbirth is not an illness. It has the potential for
complications, but think about it: why is American childbirth so much
more complicated than elsewhere? Why do we have a 25% Cesarean
rate when Denmark has a 6% rate? They're just genetically better
birthers? Naw. They have a 50% homebirth rate, I will tell
you that.
The less you plan for medical interventions, the less likely they are
to happen. You need to have a contingency plan, in case you DO
need medical help. By contingency plan, I don't mean "we'll call
911 if something goes wrong." I DO mean "we'll meet w/ a Dr. who
will agree ahead of time to be our back-up OB." Some doctors will
agree to do this, and you get to see him/her for pre-natals, as well as
your midwife, so you get double the care. That's the route I'm
taking.
Think about the Amish. They're all about the homebirth,
right? They still have back-up doctors on call. At least
around here, they do. I don't worry about finding a back-up
doctor who will take me. I'll find someone. I've got a
midwife, who is trained and experienced, and has dealt w/ all kinds of
births. I've got my lovely doula returning to care for me.
I'm going to have this lovely ring of support around me.
Now, I have to learn how to relax.
And I think I have to let go of the painful birth memories to do so.
Sam's birth was frightening and unnecessarily bothered up by medicine. I wasn't sick, I wasn't dying, I was in labor.
I was determined that for Seamus' sake, his birth would go
better. But I was was still not really prepared. I read a
few more books, I watched tapes. I still got really scared, when
the contractions started. The fear made my contractions
painful. My abdomen is clenched right now, just thinking about
it. I had to cognitively force myself to relax, while typing
that!!!
This time, I need to let go of the painful birth. I need to
let go of the clenching. My abdomen is not a fist that I'm going
to use to knock my baby out of my body. It is a powerful network
of muscles that house my uterus, that will naturally do the work it
needs to do. When you clench up, your cervix tightens and
closes. It makes it painful. Imagine sitting on the potty
and trying to pass the biggest poop of your life, while holding your
butthole totally closed. Okay, you got it? No, that's hard
to imagine, isn't it? (I hope it's hard to imagine.) When
you clench up your abdomen, it's counter-productive.
The pain of contractions is supposed to signal you to relax.
Instead, we are conditioned that pain is horrible, and to be avoided at
all costs. I've been reading for years that if you can just
relax when you get the pain signal, the pain will be easier to get
through, less intense. This isn't about avoiding the pain,
numbing the pain, distracting yourself from the pain. This is
about feeling the pain and making the decision to relax your body
through it.
I'm going to need more practice.
As if this personal information weren't enough for you, already, I'm going to talk about sex now. Okay, you were warned.
I have alluded before to the fact that Steve is...blessed. And,
in fact, sex always starts out painful for me. It
alwaysalwaysalways has. It has never been a second or two of
"slow down, take it easy" then it feels okay. Nope. It has
always just hurt, until it doesn't, then it's okay. Yes, even
after having two babies, it still is like that. Doesn't mean I
don't enjoy sex, I LOVE IT! But it has always been something that
doesn't come w/o the pricetag of some pain.
Well, last night (early yesterday morning?) I decided it might be nice
to practice this whole "relaxation theory" during this painful part of
sex. Some of you women are probably reading this going "You
seriously never tried to relax during the initial stages of
penetration? Are you retarded?" The answer is no, I never,
and yes, I am. Others of you are reading this going "Well, then I
am retarded, too." (You guys reading this are either turning red
from embarassment or hoping I'll post photos.) Anyway, let me
tell you, it was VERY VERY DIFFICULT to relax. And while Steve is
a well-endowed specimen of man, he is no eight-pound baby. AND,
to boot, the vagina is ringed w/ muscles that (in my case) are very
toned and therefore easy to control. My challenge here was
overcoming the pain impulse. I wanted to have sex w/ my husband,
but I needed to slow things down, take deep breaths, mentally let
myself relax.
Like I said, it's going to take more practice.  We did "okay" for a first run. Steve has agreed to help "coach" me again, sometime soon. 
Is sexing it up the way to a less painful labor? Maybe. It can't hurt to practice.
I'll keep thinking about other ways to help myself relax, as well, and
for better or worse, dear reader, I'll keep writing about them, because
I need to explore these things and get them put down on digital paper.
I don't believe there is a vast conspiracy of women & doctors lying
about much easier childbirth can be if you are prepared and practiced
in the techniques of listening to your body and then relaxing. I
believe women experienced their own personal birth experiences and then
were moved to share their stories w/ others. I understand that
impulse, and I relate, and I trust it.
The mind-body connection is a powerful, powerful thing. No one
denies it when it comes to cancer treatment, marathon training, etc.
etc. I think it is sheer societal brain-washing that people
disregard the mind-body connection when it comes time to birth.
So many people think it's not important to even explore when medicine
offers such a "one size fits all" solution to birth. I don't go
in for that. It bothers me that people like my MIL put so much
faith in doctors, when they've never made her feel better, when they
don't listen to her, when they don't medicate her properly. A
good doctor can be a real life-saver, and I certainly am 110% paying
attention to our wonderful allergist, for example. I just don't
believe birth is supposed to be this huge-drama, overblown blood &
guts TV event.
And there is no curse of Eve.
| | | Posted 11/22/2004 5:56 AM - 2 views - 11 comments
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When I was ten, my SIL told me that giving birth was like taking the biggest crap of your life. LOL! She wasn't kidding!
