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| | hateful peopleTonight I saw a rather hateful person, and her male friend, in the parking lot at Kroger. I have never known why she is hateful to my entire family, but we are unfortunately stuck seeing her once a week. Seeing her at Kroger was a "bonus encounter," not a normal occurence.
We do not hate her in return. But, frankly, she is scary. It is always a difficult thing, seeing her. Her energy radiates off of her. It is much like standing before Voldemort. You're just left going "But why? Why do you hate us? Can't you just be civil?"
I pray for her, and remind myself that I, too, have been a hateful person. Not for kicks, not for, like months & months on an ongoing basis, but I have had my moments of hatefulness. I wonder whether she is a peach to everyone else on earth and has just saved up her moments of hatefulness for release when she encounters the children and me. I wonder if this is training for when I am famous, when I will get death threats and hatemail from people who have no reason to hate me, either. I wonder if I am going to ever be nonplussed by her inappropriate looks and comments.
I do not believe she is a threat to my family, but it would be a relief to never see her again.
Yet, there she is.
I do not speak to her unless I absolutely have to.
I will never know why she hates us.
I have complained to her employers and supposedly she is being transferred this month to a different office, but from what I've gathered, that is not due to the complaint. Again, I would like to just go somewhere else, but we have no choice right now.
And Steve pretty much insists we keep going there. I do not agree, but I, as always, support his decisions of this nature. He has never been stalked or assaulted, so he doesn't recognize the potential that he is building by continuing to expose us to this obviously sociopathic individual. I mean, when someone seizes on you and your children for absolutely no reason, in the course of doing her job, just for being *there*, you are not dealing with a sane person.
So, I just pray. I do not let it trouble me. But it is very uncomfortable, having two grown adults staring you down in your car and talking about you two rows over in the parking lot, as they put their groceries away. It's awful. I wanted to call the police, but what would you say? The mean lady in the car and her acne'd boyfriend are giving me dirty looks? Please take them away? Puh-leaze.
99% of the people I meet at writing conferences do not seem serious enough about being published to actually make it through the process. I am, as I was told by my oldest sister today, a bit of a drill sergeant. I am sort of self-motivated to the extreme. I am going to be a successful novelist, and in this neck of the woods, that will make me probably about as famous as a senator or something.
I know, I know, it sounds funny, arrogant, silly, presumptious, etc. to talk about this stuff openly, but what the hell? I believe. If I am meant to believe and to fail, then so be it. I will learn a lot from it, it will sting, there will be important lessons there, and life will go on.
But I feel quite deeply, all the way to the core of me, that what I am doing right now with my novel is good work, that it is marketable, that I have more than what it takes to be a successful author, and that it is simply a matter of time before it all comes together.
And people who are hateful to me now are not going to be happy about that, I am sure. People who are kind to me now (some of them) are not going to be happy about that. Some people who will be happy about my success will be happy for me for their own selfish reasons. I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of that, but I trust that God has enough grace to get me through all of it (to get my whole family through all of it), if we tap into His love, mercy, guidance, and ultimate salvation.
I want to be worthy, you know?
I want people to know me by my love--I really, really do.
Even to the hateful.
Even when I become wealthy enough to not *have* to be nice to people to get "my way."
I just want to walk through the narrow gate.
| | | Posted 7/25/2007 10:09 PM - 4 views - 4 comments
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