I spend 70% of my time defending myself to people... my thoughts, actions, heart... etc... And I just realized right now that that time is actually spent mostly defending myself to me.
I'm (almost) an open book. I tell a lot of people a lot of things. I describe in detail. I give every bit of history I know. I explain my entire thought process and each little event along way.
Then, after hearing my description of whatever situation I'm in, my friends will comment. Since I'm usually being stupid (I will deny it then, but not now) the comment is usually something like "That's stupid." My automatic response is, "they don't know, really." BUT, they do! Because I make sure they do! Their views are based off of MY words. So, I think that their views are actually my views and I just keep it a secret from myself.
Its like a math problem I'm working on in my head, I have all the variables and I know the formulas, but I just ignore the answer all together. And just like a math problem, if I tell someone else all the information I have they can figure it out just the same as I would. But I get stuck on the solution, because if I even have the nerve to try and work through the numbers, I find answers I don't like and I keep trying to work something else out of it...
Its as if I think the solution isn't directly related to the problem! Isn't that WEIRD?! Not everything is as subjective as I'd like to think. Generally there is a simple truth... especially if all the people I explain myself to have the same sort of answers for me. But I just keep on trying to change the outcome by doing the same thing over and over.
I think, most likely, that this qualifies me as a Crazy.
Just thought I'd share.
Comments (3)
bah I dont think you're crazy, just more introspective than the rest of us losers.
mm its been alright, on and off, up and down, you know how it is.
how are you?
I'm CRAZY too!!!
thats stupid. just kidding. what are people attacking that you feel that you must defend?