I just deleted a whole post, because after reviewing it, I realized that I had just become the blogger everyone complains about: the one who posts things like "this is what I had for lunch today" and "oh my gosh, I just can't believe some people" and so on, ad nauseum.

I don't really want to lose my identity just because I feel like my life is one huge bucket of boring right now. So, for old readers and new ones, here's a meager attempt at reestablishing myself and why I write here.

I am a white American girl a few days shy of 24. In 2006, I graduated from college, where I studied English and Journalism. After college, I lived at home in Pennsylvania for a year, worked at a greenhouse, and started paying off my student loans. In the summer of 2007, I left home to teach English in a public high school in a little town in the Czech Republic, and just two weeks ago, I returned. I am currently job-hunting and trying to reconcile my dreams and ideals with reality.

I'm pretty even-keeled and I don't get emotional easily, but I am in a serious struggle trying to find my place in the world. I have many interests and many hobbies, but no one, clear, guiding vision that gives me direction, except my desire to further the kingdom of God. I write partly to find my way, and to give a voice to the journey.

I love forests and music, walking, theology, cooking and cleaning, paper and pens, coffee, trivia, games, and good questions. I love traveling and have a list of places to go. I am open to spending more substantial amounts of time in foreign countries. I love the church, as flawed as it can be. I'm embarrassingly bad at math and directions. I hate other people telling me what I should do. I abhor making mistakes. And I love water, even though I never learned to swim.

So, that's a slice of me at least, and you can take it or leave it. I'm going to try not to be a boring blogger, and I welcome you to my life. Stay, if you like. I need friends anyway.

Current background and profile photo are courtesy of Flickr user Kaizoryn.

One of my friends once told me that it was easy for her to leave people. Not because they didn't mean anything to her, but rather the opposite: they meant so much that it was easier to relegate them to a time and a memory than to try to maintain a shadow of a friendship through second-hand means. And although goodbyes have always been difficult for me, the older I get, the more I understand what she said. It feels like an eternity since I was in another country. It's been nine days. I forget so quickly.

It's been easy to forget, mostly because the welcome of home has been so good to me. I have big, colorful grocery stores to shop in, food to cook, movies to watch, books to read, people to talk to. I don't need to remember just yet, but I know the memories will be there when I need to. Already it feels nostalgic when I think about certain things. The golden basilica in Budapest, the lamp-lit night of honey mead in Český Krumlov, the late summer air pouring over me from the window while I listened to the worship team practice... and so many, many more living, moving memories. They'll be there when I need them.

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For the last few weeks, I've described my overarching mood to close friends as "displaced." At the end of my year in Europe, my positions and roles were uprooted, and it followed through to home, where I don't have a job or a solid community outside my family yet. I guess it's fitting, then, that when I look for work, I am looking for "placement," both literally and figuratively.

It's hard to find, though. I've submitted five applications to various establishments now, I think, and I check the classifieds every day. I find the entire process distasteful, especially when I'm forced to fill out applications and take assessments that leave no room for humility, that force you to tell potential employers that you are outgoing, motivated, and assertive to convince them to hire you.

The assessment test from Panera Bread (of all places) irked me the most. I spent 25 minutes answering questions like, "Do you enjoy meeting new people?" "Do you tend to keep to yourself?" and "My past employer would say that I am the hardest-working employee they ever had: Strongly Disagree, Disagree, Neutral, Agree, Strongly Agree, Please Circle One." They may as well publish an official list of Myers-Briggs personality types and state, "If you don't match one of these, don't even bother," or better yet, "Our Favorite Letter Is E!" Just having returned from a country where most people don't make new friends easily, certainly keep to themselves, and don't care much for either customer service or hard work, the contrast was a slap in the face.

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Last night, lying in bed before I went to sleep, I was thinking about how weak I am. And not only weak as in helpless, but weak as in faulty. Inexperienced and immature and prideful. That kind of weak. And I keep forgetting the one who makes me strong. I must mend that.

every morning I
have a chance to rise and
give my all
but every afternoon I find
I have only wasted time
in light of your awe

isn't love amazing
I forgot how to speak
knowing you are near and
I am finally free

--Jennifer Knapp