I had an interesting day orienting at Home Health.  I felt very jittery- partly due to lack of sleep, partly due to the high test coffee on an empty stomach.  The things that made me uncomfortable in the utmost were the greetings I got from the staff with whom I worked in the past decade or so. 

They were warm, effusive, praising of my skills.Very nourishing to an ego in need of stroking.  I felt very uncomfortable walking back in and being so well received.  It was genuine, the praise being heaped atop my head.

Inside, though, it made me very nervous.  Some of the old script kicked up," They'll think I'm better than I am, they'll think I'm a fraud." Crap like that with a capital C.  The discomfort came from being introduced to new co-workers and having my skills lauded.

I will own that I am a damned good nurse.  One of the best you'll find in this county.  I have a great work ethic.  So great that it's burnt me out on more than one occasion.  But to be greeted with such enthusiasm, while a dream on the one hand, elucidated a gut response that made me feel uneasy, unworthy and wishing they would stop while at the same time enjoying it immensely.

Can you say ambivalent, boys and girls?

Meanwhile, the prospect of making good money is helpful.  Also the IRS refund came in today.  Great timing as certain liablilities are becoming greatly in need of payment.  I'd like to take care of them before my good and friendly creditors start calling incessantly again.  It'll be deposited tomorrow.  I'll get my first HH check June 3, so it should make things more relaxed than they've been in a while.  There's a good chance I can get second call on a fairly regular basis and that would be more than just fine with me.  A C note to carry the number two pager  and a nice hourly rate.  Not to mention, a  chance to use my more technically advanced skills.

I actually got all excited about  a new IV catheter that goes in slickly and retracts the needle into it's own crystalline plastic exoskeleton to protect the sticker from the body fluids of the stick-ey

In the meantime, let me take my jitters into the living room and try to slumber early tonight.Blessings abound