My apologies to regular and occasional readers. I spent the past month adjusting to my new job(s) and ever so gently raising my head above water. I realized that I will never have "everything" under control, and that my previous assumptions about the fifth year of graduate school were completely misguided. This is the second-to-last year before graduation so as you can expect, it's worse than the last. At least in terms of pressure -- you can think of it as taking baby steps, hence deflating what could be a huge cocoon of stress experienced in one year (the last), or in a more sinister light, stretching out the stress to fill not just one but a whole two years.
Typical grad student ranting aside, my latest revelation has been about retirement. I know all of my working friends may laugh because I am still preparing for my first full-time (non-summer) job, an odyssey that has left everyone in my closest circles exhausted. My parents said three weeks ago, "You're really finishing, right? No more of this studying." And they are entirely justified, since my younger sister (younger by 7 years) is already building up her career, and I do want to experience more of life after my 30th birthday (incidentally, in 2 years).
When things really start becoming crazy, though, I like to think ahead to...about 45 years from now, when I'll probably abdicate my professional position and focus entirely (for the first time, since I was 7) on myself. I even dragged W.H. into my musings since he will be most likely be sharing those "golden years" with me, and we had a good time thinking about what lies in the far, far future (although we're both historians in training, we have a healthy respect and longing for the future). W.H. is all set. He will be seriously devoted to his hobbies and has agreed to be an active participant in family life. I hope that I will have descendants who can "manage the family" by then, freeing me from all leadership obligations, and I can do what I love most -- making, watching, and critiquing films. I see myself being in a studio or theater from the early hours of the morning (I heard elderly people wake up early!) to dinner-time, stopping for meals, snacks, and light exercise as the spirit moves me. I will be "working" but it will be very different from the regimented, institutional kind of work that I am engaged in now, and although I expect that my senses will diminish in strength as time goes on, I hope my vision (corrected to the maximum) will remain as long as I do. I already have a list of films that I update regularly for my "second career" and wishing that I will encounter that happy ending keeps me motivated to enjoy every day of my "primary career," for as long as it lasts.
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