It's cold this morning...the kind of cold that says winter is just around the corner. I checked our 10-day forecast, and we're supposed to have snow on Sunday.  We usually get our first snow on Halloween, so it'll be 3 weeks early. We have 2 days this week when temps will be in the high 70's  (about 25C), with lows near freezing. That's some temperature difference. It's kinda rough on me, with the fibromyalgia and all, but I'll survive.

I had a  friend accidentally set me off the other day. He's a new friend so I didn't see it coming. He told me he finds it "disturbing" when he sees a black man with a white woman. I unleashed a torrent of angry words at him, and I stayed mad all that night and half the next morning. My kids were even surprised by how truly pissed I was...

Of course, anger that deep needs a good evaluation. I've always known I have a sore spot when it comes to bigotry, but I had no idea just how gross it had become. I've never liked how quickly I react to comments like that. No, it's not fair that people are judged by skin color. It's one of the most unfair means of judging people there is. But...

How could I expect my friend to try to view such things from a place of love, acceptance and respect when I couldn't do that towards him? Here I was expecting him to allow people to be who they are when I couldn't do that to him.

I felt like quite the hypocrite.

I am angry that ignorance creates intolerance, but it's the ignorance itself that disturbs me, not the people who harbor it. Part of me finds it almost unforgivable that in today's society people still cling to the idea that race has anything at all to do with the crimes people commit. I believe that's where many people get their racist ideas. People forget that most serial killers and rapists are white males between the ages of 18 and 34. (Last I heard, anyway.) But how in the world can I expect people to move beyond that when I have a problem even addressing the issue because of my own intolerance?

I am by no means suggesting that anyone should accept the prejudices of others. But we do have to accept that they do exist, and the only way to change them is through the loving education we can offer. My grandmother doesn't like black people. In my mind, she's afraid of them. I believe that fear was planted by the media. She lived in Illinois where most people are white until you get to places near Chicago. I do know she was spoon fed news daily where the crimes of black men far outweighed the crimes of white. That's no excuse, of course, but if I wantd to love my grandmother, I've had to accept that her mind has been tainted. I have long accepted that her prejudices are part of who she is. I've never liked it, but if I were to have nothing to do with her, I'd never have the chance to try to change her mind.

The same goes for my new friend. My whole psyche bristles knowing what he thinks. I have black cousins. I hate the idea that he'd treat them any differently than he'd treat me because of this poison in his mind. Part of me would gladly close the door on our relationship and feel like a champion doing it. But the greater, loving part of me sees this as an opportunity to try to teach him that his thoughts are unkind and unnecessary.

I believe that I am spiritually a more advanced being, and now I have the opportunity to show it. So I apologized to him. I told him I was wrong to attack him for sharing with me who he is. I told him I do not approve of the way he thinks, and I really want to understand WHY he thinks the way he does. Changing thoughts is the first step towards changing behaviors, so I need to know with what it is that I'm working.

I feel good about my decision. My friend is still the same person I've come to know and love over the past couple of months. Perhaps I know him in order to confront my own beliefs in this area. It's definitely worth it to find out.

I love you...GFW

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/9/11/215330/858/425/595547

Okay. I've been... restructuring.

Ruby quit talking to me. I've no idea why. When I tried to find out, she told me to leave her alone, and that if I didn't, she'd change her number. So I wished her well, told her we'll not be bothering her and made her invisible.

I do that to cope. It's easier that way...

Now I am still looking at her things in a pile in my living room. Her boyfriend was supposed to come for them but never did. It seems a shame to throw them away, especially the bed clothes. (Hot pink, anyone?) For some reason, she thought I'd be vindictive and give her boyfriend a hard time, when he was supposed to come, but I'm so not into that. Karma and all, you know.

Part of me wants to demand an explanation, but that's just ego. Ruby is free to do with her life as she chooses, even if it does not include me. I listen to that side more. I feel calm and detached. I feel more and more like that all the time, so it's not so difficult to let go, even if that little voice in my head is yelling, "WTF??"

My son is back to being an only child.

He turns 19 Saturday. I'm still a little taken aback by that. I don't FEEL like the mother of a nineteen year old... Of course, I've no idea what that's supposed to feel like, so I'll just make it up as I go along. (Which is weird, because I was perfectly content being the mother of a twenty-two year old...)

Back when I met Ruby, I knew her for about three months before her mother kicked her out, and she came to live with me. A woman at the bank wondered if I'd adopted her. Ruby and I thought about that, and we both liked the idea... But I told her she had to wait 3 years. When she asked why, I told her I didn't know. (I'm clairsentient, so even though I ~know~ something, I don't always know it...) I told her a lot can change in three years...that maybe she'd decide she didn't want to be in this family.

July made 3 years.

Even from the beginning, I knew there was a good chance I wouldn't have her forever, so none of this is a real surprise.

Don't think I didn't cry. I did. I bawled. I was in mourning. But my mourning wasn't full because although Ruby's made choices that have taken her away from me, she does live, and she'll be fine. And no. There can be no reconciliation. I ~know~ this, too. I don't always like the rules, but I still have to follow them...

Love and comfort to all the survivors of 9/11...  Yes, that includes YOU.
I love you...GFW