i was informed tonight that someone i knew had been reading this site for about 2 months.  she confronted me about it and i pretty much blew up at her, but there was no use in denying it - she knew.  as a result, i made a new site.  but will only give out the name per request, as i am afraid of getting caught again.  soooo.....either comment on here if you want my new site name and/or send me an email:  gotta_stay_strong@msn.com

sorry for the inconveniance!!!  hope y'all are doing well. 

much <333

ok....so today was allright.  i went to xc this morning....i actually felt really good, too.  i was surprised due to the purging last night.  anyways, i ate fairly well throughout the day...."healthy".....tonight i had to babysit.  i had some ice cream and purged.  some of my dinner even came up, which i thought was weird since it had been so long...but it sent me on this buzz.  in fact i am still just loving the fact that i got it up...plus some - it is almost like a sense of accomplishment. 

food no longer sits well with my stomach.  if i eat just slightly too much (like last night at the xc dinner) i start to get awful stomach cramps...that do not subside until i rid myself of the disgusting-ness. 

i'm almost wishing that school had started and that cross country was over....because then i wouldn't have to eat.  i don't want to wish away my life...especially my senior year...i just hate eating.  it's not like anyone is even forcing me to....i just know that if i don't eat, that i won't be able to run well.  and i want to do well.  it's my last season of xc...ever.  gahhhh.  i can do this. 

hang in there girls.  much love <333 car

so i went to practice and didn't die of dehydration, thank God.  i did almost die of just pure exhaustion...but i'll get over it.  there was a senior dinner tonight for the ppl on the team and well, being a senior, i went.  there was so much food....lasagna, salad, fruit, crackers, dips, brownies, pudding, cobblers, 2 cakes and it was a freaking buffet.  so i ate...tried to be good about size and whatnot...and then all the girls left to get dessert and my friend who knows about me being ana was like "are you going" (as a command, not really a question) and i was like "..yea, i'll go"  so i went..and ate dessert.  and then i started to feel really sick.  i chugged a bottle of water and then excused myself to the bathroom as usual.  shoved my fingers down my throat until i was sure that i got the majority of it out, wiped the tears off my cheeks and then rejoined the party. 

sooo...once again, for fear of dying at xc practice, i drank some gatorade tonight to put back in some of those electrolytes.  but at this point, i'm prolly just boring y'all to death. 

thanks for the comments...y'all are so sweet.  seriously.  and in reference to a comment from someone, i am much more open with the people i come in contact with on xanga than i am with some of my close friends.  due to a few bad friendships, i've really grown fearful of trusting other people, period.  not even in regards to me being ana/mia.  the few friends who did know about me being ana/mia walked out.  i can't help but be afraid to share this with someone else because they'll either  a. freak out and tell someone  b. decide i'm too much of a hassle and leave me  c. not know what to say b/c they just don't understand it.   there really is no middle line.  it really kinda stinks whatever way it goes.....nothing gets better. 

but, i'm not sure i even want that.  i don't know what the crap i want anymore.  i want to be heard....to be accepted....to feel wanted and loved.....to make improvements.....to be able to eventually overcome...but i'm not ready for that yet.  i still get a high when i know that i have rid my body of the disgusting thing that people call "food."  i laugh when really, my heart is being pierced with words of criticism from my dad...my coach...my friend...  i find joy in feeling dizzy...faint...and exhausted...because i know that i'm getting skinny.  as much as i have tried to "recover" in the past, ana/mia are a part of me.  i can't change my thinking process overnight.  people don't understand that shoving food in my face or begging me to eat really are useless.  until i decide that i am ready to move on...to grow up....to take care of myself...then i guess i will continue to be a part...of this beautiful suicide.

i loathe food.  i can almost instantly see the fat just being poured over every inch of my body as soon as i eat something.  most of the time, when i eat, i eat everything.  i can't stop.  most the time it can just be so much easier to completely avoid it.  my mom accused me of being on "another hunger strike" when she found out about practice on monday.  i wish.  god, i am not worthy to be classified as having an ed.  i'm such a fuck up.  i purged today....then ate more.  i'm just deathly afraid of having another reoccurance of monday's practice. 

i can't believe that i messed up today though.  i really wasn't even hungry.  and i hate how all the food feels sitting in my stomach.  eating really has no value to me.  running is still as hard as hell...i'm gaining weight....blahhh.  just really really frustrated with stuff right now. 

sometimes i just want to start screaming at someone - anyone - who will listen to me.  because i have. no. one.  my parents don't care.  i have no friends right now.  the few adults i actually trusted walked out on me.  i guess i asked for that...i'm too open with people.  too trusting.  too vulnerable.  i need to be strong.  i must. be. strong.

but when push comes to shove, i will just continue to hide this...until it kills me, not in the literal sense, but just until i can't handle it anymore.  i'll just continue to put on my fake little smile on my fat face and lie to everyone around me. 

i love you girls...you seriously mean the world to me.

-car

ok....so cross country started.  and we have practice 2 times a day.  first morning practice (yesterday) i was extremely dehydrated.  to the point that i started throwing up blood during the workout.  scared the shit out of me.  and seriously, i need a b/p soo badly...but i can't.  if that happens again, i know my coach is going to do something about it...since she already knows.  and some of the girls on the team know.  i am screwed. 

i dont' know what to do.  i've been eating "healthy" to compensate for the runs and such, but i'm not burning off enough cals to lose weight.  i hate eating normal.  it feels so foreign...so forbidden to me.  like today?  i ate low-fat ice cream...and for the first time in months...i didn't throw it up.  i hated myself for it, too.  i hate feeling full.  i want to be empty....pure....thin.  and cross country is making it almost impossible for me to do. 

and then i begin to wonder if maybe i'll lose a few pounds as much as i'm running.....but there's no way that i'll make my goals in time.  i don't know...i just hate myself so much right now. 

i love the comments i get...though they're few...they really mean a lot!!  i love you girls! stay strong