Thursday, June 05, 2008

  • health scares...

    i've always tried to be all macho and shit when it comes to headaches, fevers and flu. i'd thank God for the creation of panadol and hope it would save me the suffering of the many days to come. yes, i try live with the whole 'prevention is cure' thing. that is only for headaches, fevers and flu, though. anyways, for the past three days, i've been having what started as a major headache, which left me feeling as weak, hot and bothered as though i'd been walking on a desert. i knew i was coming down with something. and panadol to the rescue.

    but where was panadol? i swear i bought three different strips of two different types two months ago. i checked in my drawers. okay, i had been moving things in my room but this is definitely not the time to be having to look for things. i found the little bag that holds all the variety of pills together. for flu, for diarhea, for throat. no panadols. where the eff are my panadols?? so while i was at it, i tried to remind myself for the billionth time: PUT THINGS AWAY WHERE THEY BELONG. i have been in this situation for a trillion times...that is the least, i can learn to do for myself.

    thank God dad said there were some in his med kit. THANK GOD. the night went by and i didn't sleep any better than i have for the past week.

    ::: so i guess it may have something to do with me having had trouble sleeping for almost a week and its soooo annoying!! been having these reoccuring dreams about me changing my sleeping position by tossing and turning left and right and at the same time, i'd wake myself up actually tossing and turning! i think it began with me trying to go to bed, cause that's where all the tossing and turnings occur. but to have it haunt me in my dreams and waking me up all over again and trying to go back to sleeeeep the same way i had to the very beginning?? i say damn!! :::

    so when i woke up the next day, i thought, okay...my head feels a little woozey. feels like i just woke up from a 20 hours sleep or something. after my shower, my head began to pound like it did the day before. i told dad i needed more panadols. it was the last 4 he had. i promised to re-stock when i head to the shops (whenever THAT would be since i didn't think i'd crawl out of the house anytime soon). so then i thought with hope, alright, the pain will be banished..gone..forever leave me alooone soon enough. then i tried praying. but within the first 20 seconds, i felt i couldn't breathe. i needed to sit down or pass out. i tried again after awhile and the whole standing still just disabled me. damn. what's happening?? throughout the day, i just felt my head in a weird state. every time i moved or turned my head slightly, it was as if i did it all too fast. so it all feels so heavy, but light and dizzyish. i thought i should stay away from smoke. i thought you better, d, before it's too late. cause honestly, i don't even know what's going on. towards the evening i felt shivers. the room was at its normal temperature, but i was cold as eff. then the temperature came around. my head was ready to burst...and it dawned on me how a fever could possibly eff out your brains...or something. so i was all, shit maybe i should go see a doctor. and the whole day i just spent it in bed. with the fan on and curled tightly in my quilt. for dinner i began to sweat like nobody's business. and then the temperature was gone.

    ...

    aircond on, aircond off. fan on, fan off. sweaty, freezing. dizzy. dizzy. light-headed. can't even turn my head without feeling like it's about to fall off. i've definitely killed my brain cells too many times, not to mention stuffing it with so many negative thoughts...like i've actually been mentally trying to kill myself or something...anyways...being this sick and having a pounding headache (a record of 3 or 4 days straight), and feeling so weak, i'm actually feeling as though i might die any second. of course, when those times come, a lot of things crosses the mind. mom, dad...i never got to tell you everything i wanted to. a appreciate everything...everything...i'm sorry for being such a pain. damnit. i really should write those letterssss!!!

    i can't write all that now...i've had such a tough time writing any letter when i was all healthy, to begin with! sigh...it's just something i'll leave it to my pounding brain to cope with for nowww.

    the guilt i tell you. so sadddd!

    *help*

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