Tuesday, May 13, 2008

• Who Needs Heloise...

  ...When You've Got Thora?

  or:

  Helpful House-cleaning Hints

  You need to know that I'm not much of a neat-freak...as long as no one is sticking to the floor or drowning in the mess, I'm pretty happy.  But the house I'm living in is now officially "almost on the market" (love my procrastinating brother in law, I do), and needs to be "showing-worthy" at pretty much anytime.  This condition led to a frantic house cleaning Sunday morning before church, and I'm now trying desperately to keep it clean in case we get another "we'll be there in 45 minutes if that's okay" call this week. 

  When we're left to our own devices, the standard slips a little lot, and house cleaning in the Beserker household goes more like this:

  For a dirty kitchen floor:

  • Put on a pair of socks.  You won't feel the grime anymore, and if you do happen to wander through a puddle of water (quite a frequent happening here, what with all the plants outside that short people inside feel the need to water), you can slide around in the mucky areas for a while and call it mopping.

  • Take off your glasses.  Chunks and smears magically disappear.

  • Let the baby loose in the kitchen.  She'll scoot around until her rear and socks are covered in the mess, and then you can just take outside and shake her out.

  For a messy bathroom:

  • Start by giving as many children as possible baths.  Leave the shower curtain open and make no attempt to curtail the splashing.  When bathtime is over, let the children hang out in the bathroom, wrapped in their hoodie towels, until every surface has been brushed up against and wiped off.  Toss towels in the washer.

  • Sprinkle Comet in the toilet, then ignore it for a few hours.  The next time someone flushes, the "swirly" action should take care of the biggest mess, and that little sprinkle of blue powder will tell anyone who cares that you at least made an effort.

  In the living room:

  • Again, a baby is extremely useful.  She can pick up those little bits you didn't want to mess with, and what she doesn't ingest will end up smeared across her clothing, which you can throw into the washer at the end of the day.

  • Baskets.  A mess stuffed into a basket somehow looks neater.

  And for the entire house, my best hint is to hire a housekeeper.  I've said it before:  you don't actually have to schedule her, you just have to say, "Sorry about the mess...the housekeeper hasn't been in yet this week."

  • 3:42 PM
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