Who am I....? I've always been old, or so my mother says. When I was eight, my mother would call me grandma and ask if I'd like a rocking chair for my birthday. She would be out late unexpectedly, and I would ask why she didn't call. She says she thinks I was her mother in a past life. I don't think she realizes how insulting she was/is in regards to how she treats me. She doesn't treat my brother and sister like that. It's not my fault that I am often more responsible and concerned about the outcome of her (and their) actions than she is. She and I are only 16 years apart and it often seems as if we are siblings, rather than mother and daughter. I am the oldest of her children and the one who caused her to marry my father, the biggest mistake of her life. I don't think she realizes how much she blames me for that.
I was never interested in the things other girls were interested in. I didn't like dolls or frilly dresses or trying to figure out what kind of boy I'd like to date. I liked books and ancient things to the point that I spent two years wanting to be an archaeologist. My love of history is part of why I became a Pagan. I like old things... antiquated values and mannerisms. I prefer bowing and curtsying to handshaking, not the least of which because I don't like touching people, especially strangers. There's an epidemic of people who don't wash their hands on a regular basis. I don't want to touch someone whose hygiene is in question. I am not a touchy-feely kind of person. I have boundary issues. My siblings got all the attention and support in our house. I ended up retreating to my room to escape the lack of affection shown me. No one hit me or abused me verbally, but they didn't really notice me aside from the occasionally snide comment. I got used to it. Any displays of physical affection on my part are an act I initiate for those who expect it. That's not to say I don't feel affection for people, but obviously my childhood has not led me to display my real feelings and to avoid situations where I might have to. I do not like to be ridiculed.
My high opinion of myself (which some have called arrogance) is in many ways a defense mechanism developed to combat my low self-esteem. I didn't have friends in school; though I had lots of people who'd pick on me at the drop of a hat. My family was indifferent or openly contemptuous of me. I spent all my time in my room, with my books. If I was not an introvert when I was small, I've become one over the years. The face I display to the public, at work or when I am forced to socialize for some reason, is not my true face. I am well liked at work because I am responsible, courteous, funny, and conscientious. I am also considered quite strange. I am not very good at socializing. I don't like it, and people scare me. But my other qualities make up for my inability to click with people. My coworkers come to me for advice. Complete strangers tell me their life stories. This may be because I have the air of someone who listens.
After my suicidal "phase" in high school, when I decided to live just to spite all the people who seemed to want me dead, I sat down and seriously thought about my best qualities. I was at the bottom of a well trying to figure out what things about myself I liked enough to use as stepping stones to a better self esteem. These are still the qualities I value in myself today.... my intellect, my perception, my determination to stick to my own code of chivalry in the face of modern incivility. I am not impressed with the world today. People are a constant disappointment. They focus too much on money, material possessions, and how they look. There's nothing wrong with looking good (I am inordinately proud of my hair and my hands) or having money (yes, please) or possessions (more books!), but there are more important things in the world. I assign importance to things in my life, not the media... not my peers.
In short, I am isolated, but proud. I am lonely, but cautious. I have high standards for myself but have only been disappointed when applying those standards to others. I am old fashioned, but innovative. I crawled into books as a haven when I was a child, and never crawled back out again. My physical environment shaped my emotional expression, but my literary environment molded my values. I am proud of who I am and what I have done with the broken pieces I wove into myself as a child, even if that makes it difficult to fit into a society with different values than my own. There are no societies with values like my own. I am used to being true to myself because I have had no one to admire or dote on in all my life. There are many people that I love and try to support, but silently, carefully and without showing the extent of my feelings. It's safer for my self-esteem if they don't know how I feel.
May
In May get a weed-hook, a crotch [fork], and a glove,
And weed out such weeds as the corn do not love.
May is named for Maia Majestas, the Roman goddess of spring who encourages crops to grow. She is the chief goddess of the Seven Sisters or Pleiades. She can be equated with the Irish Queen Medb or Celtic Meave. Hawthorn, her sacred plant, blossoms during this month. Artemis, Diana, Faunus, Flora, and Pan also have dominion over this month.
The Anglo-Saxons called this month Thrimilcmonath, "thrice-milk month." In England, May was also called Sproutkale. Winnemanoth, "joy month," was the Frankish name, and the Asatru name is Merrymoon. The Irish call May Bealtaine or an Ceitean, the first weather of summer. The two weeks before Bealtaine is ceitean earrach, spring May-time, and the two weeks after Bealtaine is ceitean samhradh, summer May-time. Bealtaine, also associated the God Bel, means 'the fires of Bel'.
The first Full Moon of May is called the Flower Moon. It shares the names (Corn) Planting Moon, Hare Moon, Pink Moon, and Green Grass Moon with April. The May moon is also the Bright Moon, Dryad Moon, Milk Moon, the Moon When the Pony Sheds, the Frogs Return Moon, and Sproutkale.
The sun passes from Taurus to Gemini around May 21st. Those born in May have the lily of the valley for their birth flower. The stone for the month of May, and for Taurus, is the emerald, though agate, chalcedony, and carnelian are sometimes mentioned for May instead, while Gemini lays claim to agate, particularly moss agate, and pearl. Aquamarine, lapis lazuli, kunzite, rose quartz, and sapphire are associated with Taurus, and chrysoprase, sapphire, and topaz are connected to Gemini.
Lunar Holy Days
In the Buddhist tradition, the first Full Moon is celebrated in honor of the enlightenment of Buddha.
The Thursday before the New Moon is the festival of Mjollnir, celebrated in honor of Thor's hammer. During the Middle Ages, this was a good time for ritual contests and trial by combat.
The seventh Thursday after Easter is the Russian spring festival called Semik.
The first Tuesday of May is the Ffair Ffyliaid, Fools' Fair, in Llanerfyl Wales.
May 1st
On the fourth day of Floralia, Roman children made little images of Flora and decorated them with flowers in ancient times.
Litha begins at Beltane and ends at Lammas.
May Day, Beltane, La Bealtain, Cedsoman or Ceadamh (Irish for the "first of Summer"), Rood Day, Rudemas, Galan Haf, Walpurgisnacht is celebrated with bonfires atop hills, sometimes near sacred trees in honor of the coming summer and the rebirth of the sun. In Irish villages, need-fires, tein-eigin, were lit only after the one in holy Tara. People dance around the fire clockwise, singing. Dew gathered from the grass at dawn can be used in potions for luck. On Beltaine, drink from a well before sunrise. Wash in the morning dew, and adorn yourself with greenery.
A girl was chosen to be queen of the games on Mayday, brightly dressed and crowned with flowers. She was referred to as the May-lady, the Queen of the May, May Queen, and the Lady of May. On the Isle of Man, a Queen of the May was chosen with her twenty maids of honor and a troop of young men for escort. In Alsace, a girl called the Little May Rose, was dressed in white, and carried a small May-tree bright with garlands and ribbons. Her companions collected gifts from door to door, singing a song. The produce of the year is supposed to depend on the gifts offered to these May singers. In Russia, there is the May-Day Tree, a tree dressed up in women's clothes.
This has become a traditional time for handfasting ceremonies, pagan wedding ceremonies in honor of the union of the goddess and god. In Ireland however, this was the traditional time for divorces! And marriages were made in November instead.
The Landing of the Tuatha De Danann in Ireland is recalled today and their patron Mother-goddess Dana or Danann is honored. According to folklore, they were the fourth prehistoric colony to arrive in Ireland many centuries before the Christian era. They were magicians, highly skilled in science and metalworking. They inhabited Ireland for about two hundred years, until the fifth and last colony, the Milesians (Gaels), conquered them. When they had been finally defeated, they withdrew to the hills (sidhe, pronounced 'shee'), residing in a place where they could live free from observation or attack.
Bona Dea, the good goddess, is an Italian earth-goddess. The anniversary of the foundation of her temple was held today, and prayers are offered to her for the averting of earthquakes. She was regarded as identical with Maia, Fauna, Ops, and Fatua. Her identification with the old Roman Goddess Maia, who gave her name to the month of May, may have arisen from the accident that both were worshiped on May Day. Maia or Maia Majestas was one of the Pleiads. She was held to be the wife of Vulcan, and his flamen (priests) made offerings to her today. The Good Goddess was also called Damia, and her priestess bore the title Damiatrix. This points to an identification or confusion of the Good Goddess with the Greek goddess Damia (possibly the same as Demeter).
The Arvales, priests of the field, held their chief festival on three days in May, the 1st and 3rd in Rome and the day between in the grove. This was a college of priests consisting of twelve life-members chosen from the most distinguished senatorial families by co-optation who worshiped of Dea Dia, the supposed founder of their fraternity. The reigning Emperor was always a member. Their symbol was a white fillet and a wreath of ears of corn.
Tanat or Tanith, a Phoenician moon goddess, is honored today.
Braggi and Iduna are honored today.
In 1776, the Order of the Illuminati was founded in Bavaria by Johann Adam Weishaupt.
Comments (46)
What a gorgeous day! I'm glad you stuck around. I was shy in high school but I've always managed to have a small handful of really close (and really odd) friends. I am also proud of my hair (I think it's celebrating May Day by being nice to me). I'm keeping you.
MLady,
I will link you as a guest. If you have any further interest in participating in our challenges, you will need to join the blog ring. I notice that contrary to the parameters set, you wrote at least 3 paragraphs regarding your place in your family. . .I'm keeping count as I find it interesting how many women are having a difficult time distinguishing themselves apart from their roles as wives, mothers, daughters. Thank you for your entry. You've been linked and starred~Kween
Thank you for sharing this... sad and haunting. But it's wonderful that you were able to be true to yourself through the process.
i'm glad you desided to live dispite what everyone else thought or said. i use to be that way as well... times... now i just get depressed and make myself get over it by pushing myself a little harder sometimes. i try not to dwell. but sometimes it's just hauntings.
I liked that you wrote this. I think there are more people like this yourself - sincere, honest, kind, smart, true, and, sensitive. People are hiding out, but they come out of the woodwork. I think as I heal myself, I meet people like yourself who take the risk (myself included) of expressing their true feelings.
I can deeply relate to not wanting to express your feelings in fear of being ridiculed. I allowed this to hold me back for many years. I have since taken some steps and I started to express my appreciation, my admiration, and love for others as well as some of my other so-called "negative" feelings. I have always tried to be a sincere person so I try not to say anything I don't feel or mean.
I'm so very sorry that your mother and your family treated you in the way in which they did. That is a horrible thing for a child to ever experience.
I hope that one day you have the courage to come out and expose who you are and express how you feel.
your expressions are beauty.
I had a lot of friends when I was in school, I think it was mostly because I was some what attractive and I could draw pictures better than anyone else. If they had a art program, I went to a christian school, I would have excelled! But that wasn't the case @ all. I turned to Christianity, because my parents were christians, I went to a christian school, I was actually born on Christmas, so that in itself along w/ the other factors made me feel like I had some special destiny that only God and I knew about. I did not care about all these things. I had a suicidal phase too. I figured that after my brother died, I had to live @ least past 27, that is when Kurt Cobain killed himself. I say I didn't care about these things, I didn't care about the fact that my parents were financially secure or that I was considered good looking or a great artist. those things are just labels that people put on an individual to make them do what ever it is that that specific person wants them to do. I know in my life I just assumed everyone was my friend and tried to treat everyone equal. I actually had to become homeless and go to jail before I realized a lot of things about people in general. people have unknown expectations on other people, just as I did when I was younger. This is not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing, I believe it is the truth, based on our own individual experiences in life.
I think this is the first entry since I have started reading your blog where I felt that I know you a tiny bit more. Thanks for being open in this entry.... Remain proud of who you are.
So seldom do I EVER hear or see anyone speak of the Tuathans ... my family is from Cork County, Ireland. We're the Clan Nash-O'Hara -- and I take a wee bit of pride from that. So, speaking of what defines us -- I loved this post! Thank you for sharing your ideas!
Sometimes the days you point out are interesting indeed. It didn't cross my mind that the day you posted was the date the Illuminati were founded. *chuckle*
This is a question that deserves an answer every once in awhile. I haven't thought about "who I am" in some time, and I've changed, so my own expression of my answer is bound to be ridiculously different from the last time I did. I think I'm going to give it a try, too.
This is a fantastic entry. I think you did a really good job of capturing your very essence no matter real and raw you had to be. Thank you so much for sharing!
Welcome to the Kween of the Queens writing blog. Your post was very honest, thanks for sharing part of your inner self.
Take care,
Love, Cyn
WOW~ So long! How am i suppose to read them all? hehe
yes, thank you for sharing part of your inner self, as well.
As for me, I don't know who the heck I am.
Bluntly honest... I can understand you going into your relationship with your mother and sibs.. After all so often our relationships with family does contribute to defining who we are - certain characteristics.. I'm glad you were able to find strength in yourself. Nothing wrong with wanting to be an archeologist! My daughter wanted to be one (specializing in Egypt) for about the last 6 years of her life. I'm glad you got too stubborn to continue to entertain thoughts of suicide... I know sometimes just watching people/ society can give us a dismal view but there are so many good ones out there -- humanly flawed but basically good. I'm always pleased when I find one. Interesting post. I love the other info about May, etc. Very interesting! peace
I think it would have been very easy for me to be the same way. For some time I was. I was ignored, as long as I did well in school. The moment I didn't, I was not treated very nicely. My mom isn't very cuddly and my dad forced me to cuddle him when I didn't want to. I was a piece of art- good for showing off when people came around, but mostly left to my own devices. I too found solace in books. Still do. I was the dorky kid in school, with big glasses and little girl clothes. I had horrible self-esteem and I was teased too. Even in High School, I was the loner. Good to come to when you had no other friends, or when you needed help with homework. Otherwise, okay to ignore. My mother and I are also 16 years apart- and it saddens me that she is in the same place in life as I am. Maybe worse- moneywise the same, but I'm in a great marriage and she's almost divorced my dad twice. They live in a run down place without enough money to fix their car. I don't know- I don't know how I turned into the optimistic happy person I am. But it took a long time for me to climb out of my depression and find myself. *shrugs* But I think that in some small way, I went through some of the same things.
Wow alot Of Riting
truee Mediaaaa!
Lotza rithinggg
2 moreee..
DONE!!
@NightlyDreams - We do tend to haunt ourselves with resentment and regrets. The past is inescapable, like a rope tied to your foot, but we are rapidly falling towards an ocean of possibility. So long as we don't let the past trip us up, we may yet swim to a better future.
@jaeyounglee - It's easier to express yourself online where the repercussions can be limited to those who read your words. I'm reasonably certain no one in my family would have access to my blog, and even more certain that if they did, they probably wouldn't care to look it up anyway. It could have been a lot worse. I mean, at least they only ignored me. They didn't hit me. However miserable I was, I was still luckier than some kids.
@BlueCollarGoddess - I'm part Irish, among other things, but I think it was my Irish and Celtic ancestry that initially gave me pride in myself. I love history, but I have a passion for mythology. And the Tuatha are really cool mythology. heh There are many times that I've wished I was born Irish, instead of mutt. oh well.
@Charlynn_Yap - I come here to write... you come here to read??
lol Sorry... have a bit of hypergraphia to counter my bibliophilia. Both make me such a terrible bore....