Tuesday, April 29, 2008
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Monday Thoughts
Back at work, Monday, Monday. A spectacular lack of motivation has struck, and talking to the always wise Amy, she mentioned that maybe I should just take a week off from trying to work on school, or the novel, or any expectations of myself. Which is hard for me, because I feel like every little hour of productivity I can squeeze in here and there between work, tiredness, and kiddo MUST be used well. As my life is opening back up after the cave years of being very ill with cfs and baby on top of it, I find myself longing for the peace of that time.
And then this past year, pushing the boundaries of my energy and my body, bit by bit scrambling for a larger life, gaining ground, drawing back, pushing forward again. Now, with school, next year going on campus, the semester after starting grad school, probably eventually trying to get an assistantship - all the competitiveness inherent in that whole world, all the work expected from me, with the end goal of going out and getting a teaching job. God it all sounds exhausting to me, well, and at times thrilling and exciting.
The class I'm taking now is independent study, which I think is part of my problem. I'm better with deadlines, I think. And the class is kind of vague - like, with each lesson, you are supposed to write a 300 word essay on these vague topics (women's role, disillusionment, etc), and you are supposed to have a thesis statement, with optional extra resources and works cited. I mean, what the crap. I just haven't had the energy to try to fight through it to get something down. I kept trying, and ended up writing a two page summary that really said nothing. Bleh. At least I finally got my hands on the textbook.
In the meantime, I'm taking Amy's advice, and have taken the past three nights off - watching BBC versions of Persuasion, and The Tenant of Wildfell Hall both of which I really, really enjoyed. I got Netflix again so I could have unhindered access to these kinds of movies it's too hard to find at local rental places. And I took a break from reading high-brow modernist lit, and read a YA vampire book called Frostbite, and a book Amy suggested that was really amazing, and brutally honest about sex and marriage in a way I haven't come across before, called The Bride Stripped Bare. I read the two books in two nights, and it was wonderfully lush and enjoyable.
EDIT: Best Feeling in the Universe: stepping in the door and climbing into bed after taking child to daycare, after working a nightshift.
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Comments (9)
That's good advice from Amy. I just took two weeks off to deal with a family crisis and as of yesterday I'm back at it, swinging again like the break never happened. It's pretty easy to get back in once you're ready, harder to get back in if you're forcing yourself. Enjoy yourself.
pacing is remarkably hard in general. i asked a friend last night why i was so overloaded this semester, when last semester i was conscientious. he said, "you've found your own work." true, true. it's hard to write a 20 page paper on the history of eastern concepts of the trinity when all i really want to do is work on my bib for my thesis. sigh. so much to read (and write!) so little time.
good impulse on your part to get some space.
I agree... w/ amy and ^^ ...also those books sound fab... vampire books are my weekness!
and ryc: thanks, me too and I'm so glad you love missy higgins... no one I know has even ever heard of her... I heard Scar on the public radio in Louisville (the best radio there) and I searched for her until I figured out what her name was... I just got her new album and its even better than the sound of white!
heather. i love this new hair. a lot.
the master's is in social work. and being a grown up is expensive. and taxing.
her dad claims her as a dependent. this was one of the many things i should not have agreed to in the divorce.
argh. must go to school now.
I don't think you'll have any problems with the assignments. I mean, all you need is an opinion, right?
Seriously, I think Amy's right. While the future certainly sounds exciting, and I have confidence you'll manage (hell, I have confidence you'll conquer (smile)), you also need to keep taking care of Heather. All my best.
re: EDIT: While I've never had an overnight job, and I don't have a child, I do love that feeling when every part of me is tired and I get in bed and I feel like all my tiredness sinks out of my skin into my bed.
Looks like I'm the all-knowing one, eh? I'm glad I can give good advice to you, because I woke up frazzled this morning, and I'm being a terrible, needy wife and an emotional person in general. Who cries at 6:40am any way? Oh, the funk. I just want to go to bed for 20 years and wake up middle-aged, where the expectations are lower and the thinking part of life is over.
You know what, in an odd way, I can totally relate.
I went over to Amazon.com, and the first phrase that struck me was "badly written porn." Needless to say, I read no more. I would like to hear your take on it though. As many times as I've written reviews for Amazon, at least mine had something to say, dammit! I'm trying to help people make decisions on what they may want to read, not get up on a damn soapbox!
And with that, I'll step down...
Also, I never complimented you on your hair! It's great!