Sorry, ladies.

I'm protected now. But if you still want to read my posts just leave me a comment and I'll add you. Promise.

Stay strong. Be safe. Much love.

Lee

i've been very touchy about my baby lately. sorry. i feel like thats all i think about. and its all i really feel like talking about, too. maybe its all the talk about Baby Jesus that has me going. but whatever it is, it sucks and i wish it would go away.

today i found a picture of him on my computer and i printed it out. i forgot i had it-- it is his student id picture and i scanned it when his wallet slipped under my bed one night. manipulative? moi? well... maybe. but anyways, i put it in my wallet right before we took off and for some reason i was taking it out all day long just to look at it. something abotu his smile is still so comforting... ugh.

are the holidays hitting anyone else wicked hard? i feel like every time i turn around im expected to eat something else or go to another Christmas party. right now i am in maryland for the holiday weekend and already i have eaten like a pig. i made cookies with my nephew, had a little bit of pasta, and my cousin made me a fruit smoothie. because my stomach is sooo small right now it only takes a tiny but of food to have me feeling like i'm ready to burst.

i am nervous about how i will eat tomorrow and even more worried about Christmas day... i keep saying to myself, "this is about Jesus. don't you DARE make it about your own issues with food." but it doesnt really help... i wish i could just sleep through the next few days.

i used to love Christmas...

my therapist says i'm too easy on him-- that i let him off for things i shouldn't. she says i forgive him too quickly for things that should take time. she says i make excuses for him doing things that cannot be excused. she says if i continue with this pattern of letting him walk all over me i am never going to be able to have a successful relationship in the future.

there's just one thing she doesn't understand...

i love him.

today we had a show choir Christmas party. everything was going fine until... she walked in. the girl he cheated with. i don't know why she came. i mean, i know she is best friends with our choreographer but still... seeing her is so painful. it literally takes my breath away. anyways, she came in and before she could see me i just took off. by the time i had gotten to the bathroom my heart was already beating out of my chest and i was hyperventelating. my friend ally got to me to calm down a little and stop crying before she walked me back to the music room and made sure i was okay. i was. but the enitre rest of the party was so awkward. she and i just kept trying to check each other out while the other one wasn't looking. you could cut the tension with a knife. its like a competition. and thats why i have to lose this weight. i swear i will not stop until you can see my ribs from a mile away.

today's intake:

b::nothing
l:: two cookies, two carrot sticks, one cracker.
d:: nothing

i can't even talk about all the food i ate today. it makes me sick. i was so hungry during chorus and i could just feel the Holy Spirit trying to get to me, so i said to God, "alright. if you really want me to eat something then i will eat chicken taco's. but nothing else."

guess what was for lunch. yeah. chicken taco's. i don't know why i'm surprised. i know He wants me to eat. i threw it up, of course (even though I know thats not what God had in mind when He told me He wanted me to eat) but i still felt disgusting. ugh.

today i realized i would be almost six months pregnant. i would be showing, buying baby clothes, talking to him about how the rest of our lives were going to work...

six months... ouch.

and he still couldn't seem to care less.

I love that picture more than I can possibly tell you.

Last night I performed at Church, almost passed out, and thought I was going to die from severe stomach pain. My friend Mary and my Youth Pastor's wife made me eat something before they would let me leave the room... I was too weak to object...

yesterday's intake:

--two glasses of water
--two diet cokes
--one slice of turkey
--one piece of american cheese
--1 cherry tomato
--1 carrot
--1 piece of celery

it is baby central at my Church right now.  i swear, every five minutes someone pops out a kid. i know i shouldn't be jealous and covet their blessings, but every time i see someone holding a new baby something inside me physically hurts. i know God knows everything... i know His timing and His plans are perfect... i know He knows what He was doing-- both when He gave me a child and when He took it away... but i still wonder. i still question Him. i mean, i know i'm seventeen. and i know eric is away and not really known for his *outstanding character*... but we wouldn't have been the worst parents. we would have struggled. we would have had our problems. but we would have raised our baby to love the Lord and to follow Him always.

i guess its the what if's and the woulda, shoulda, coulda's that really get you...