I don't know what to think. Should I cry? Surely I can't laugh at this, not now, not ever.

Another life lost. Never will we see him agian, unless he too is in heaven. Strange, is it not, to think that once we die we will never be on earth again. Once I die, once You die, neither one of us will be Here. Never again. This is it, for our time on earth is short...like kendall...heh. No, life is but a breath. In and.............

Out.

Death has this way of putting life and the relationships I have into perspective.

 Its wounds cut deep.

Dear God,

help me out here. I'm very confused about many things, as You may already know. What do You want me to do? What's the point of morality? Why am I insecure? It's true, we need Something outside of  ourselves to give us value. I've been putting that trust in people, not You. I rely on people and their compliments to feel secure about who I am, how I look and feel. Stupid. Stupid. It's a lifeboat, this life is, and we're all competeing to stay in it. I don't want to get thrown overboard into the sea of rejection. Rescue me again and again and again Father! I don't give You near enough credit; how wrong I am to have taken advantage of you for all these years. Sorry. Where do I go from here?

I miss the warm embraces and well known faces. The familar love that kept me sane for all 18 years is three hours away, which is neither too far nor too close. It's not close enough to touch, to feel. This lack of love is chipping away at me. I am loved here, but not in the same way.

What did I expect, honestly? The reason I was not ready to return is just as I suspected. Everybody is  different here. It's not a bad thing, though it is harder.

Oh what a joyous moment it will be when I walk through the doorway and into familiarity! With open arms I will be welcomed, and once again we will laugh the night away.