raspberry rave
i thought i might just
write all night
and drink raspberry coffee till i die
all blurry eyed
bleeding all my feelings out
in a warped but so neccessary
personal purification rite tonight
or take to the sky
flying higher than i have yet
imag_ined possible
is their a height i have not hit ?
in my magic_ianship
cause
vultures are pecking at my bones
regurgitating me already
waving promises in front of my face
and taking them away in emptiness
or they are waitng in line
one at a time
impatiently in a circle overhead
what's my life really worth anymore ?
i'm tired of being target practice
a few scraps of paper some doodles
in hundreds of books ?
notes on napkins or sheets
scratched up discs
a worn out bible
picKturez that once meant something ?
but
are now just colored voided memory shards
on shiny filmy paper
except for ancestors i still love
in frozen frame
everyone else is gone
according to directions
some
spur of the moment paintings
wild art of my beautiful minds design
passion ravings unheard
or mostly misunderstood
a few road course directions
left behind
so angels can negoiate curves
and thrive down here
sentiment to a few great folk
trying to find a way
two stone statues in a makeshift garden
with starfish in their crowns
don't they know when to quit
or is it just mme2 ?
jesus did not even go thru
this much crap
but i'm over it
and wondering in silence
what it all means or meant
is it really what i thought ?
i read on a wanna be wizards site
that the devil gives people a glimpse and feel
for what they really need and want
but
never meets their deep desires
he only demands more and more
till they are all used up
that is their hell
unmet requirements
that set me into deep supposing
and a moment of turmoil
but
i whirled around
i had to look at the word we both left
and the heart i once had
you too tho hidden away
i understand today
i guess it is still there mine
i hear it sometimes
i hope some good was done somewhere
along the lines of time
i try and nuture it
my heart
give it a daily jump start
but people keep draining my battery
according to the charge i put in it
somedays i wonder
and am saddened because
love has not caught on yet
to the greater extent
and in all due respect
i have to hide it away most days
my heart
to keep knives of ignorance from being
stuck in it and twisted
by ones' who "knew" me back when
and in near to final analysis
suppose
something good came of it
beside creative yearning
and an awakened feamale fire
personally
although
i am
really not all that selfless anymore
i have grown in self awareness
for whatever good that may b
i have not gained
not yet
what i want most
what drives me
keep me keenly focused
that desire true wildfire
would still b your love
in present tense
all of it dark and bright
ady and night
in every dimension
coming and going
know and unknown to man
i wonder why
you were shown to me
and i perceived your glory
when others thought you
a crazy mystic entertainment at best
i wonder again
why i
heard you so clearly
disginguished your cries
across the airs of the universe
from all the rest
i thought i knew
i thought i felt they were
meant for me
everything fit so perfectly
even the missing pieces
i wonder
if my fire will extinguish itself
in a burn out fit
without ever meeting its' wick
or all it's all consuning heat
itself
coming from another direction
and
i don't want to
but i wonder if
God
has forgotten me
i am his child you see
and love Him dearly
or is that just an extended teasting too ?
there have been so many
i loose trac
it all feels so punishing
when i attempted to do
some good in earths' neighborhood
in anonymity
i felt our mission here was to
help extinguish that requirement
for service in
His army
no more martyring
is what i was shown
maybe i have blown it
unaware
i did not get
a rule book you know
just written instructions
and what i gleened
from your memoirs
and poorly written
only partially researched
autobiographies
so pitifully done
well i gotta quit
i.m outta cigarettes
and i said i would quit
but i haven't yet
i guess that is a frigging requirement too
in the endless hurdles
i have had to jump
to show my strength and endurance
and realize this love love ~ all jacked up but truthfully
nothing held back from mme2
my love for an endless eternity to you ~ bec_k
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