that bug you?

-I don't like that "S" is next do "D"--makes for ,um, interesting typos:  I'm assing it all up.   I love sucks, I had a little suckling once.   These are dimple examples.  I'll dent the later asap.

-Asthma Is Dexy broached this subject once:  why is the addhole so close to the vagina?  

-In the back of the book, the author's humongous picture that takes up the whole space just creeps me out.

-Some academics sneer at Picaddo--so easy for them to sit there in their clean little ivory towers, with hands that have never touched a paintbrush to say shit, isn't it?  Fuck em.

-Asian jokes that make fun of small eyes.  Yeah, dude, make a bid for an imagination on eBay.

-Slow motions in movies.  Don't like them.  So manipulative.  Okay, I don't mind films that try to manipulate--I don't have to like all their devices.

-Really catty women.  Same advice to the the dude above.   You that insecure?  Yeah, I heard you.  Is it because  your boyfriend/husband stared at me a little too long?  Men can sense that, you know, insecurity.  It's very unattractive.  We're all insecure but geez--must you to resort to cattiness to make yourself feel better?

-Target ads.  Yeah, yeah, I get it, we should all be the same.

-People with airtight minds.  Nothing gets in and out.  It must smell in there.  Air it out. Allow other ideas, apart from yours, in. 

peace out trout.

Happy Monday

I would make a wonderful friend.  Even better than a pet because I have the ability to speak, though fortunately for you, in the words of the scarecrow in Wizard of Oz, I haven’t got a brain. 

You’ll adore me because I’ve no opinions.  I promise, will never make you uncomfortable by disagreeing and, certainly, I have no passion beyond worshipping you. All I humbly require is for you to give me a list of what to say before I address the topic de jour.  Provide me a menu from which I may express sentiments.  I don’t have to understand any of it but I will say them, nonetheless.  For you see, I am just a fuckwit.  See?  Katonk!   Empty.  My head is a receptacle for air.   No imagination, either.  I am only slightly more intelligent than your belt, though perhaps less so than your sofa.  I can read but cannot comprehend. 

After I mimic the desired response, please pat me on the head.  That is another thing I ask for with utmost humility--your approval.   That is all I will ever need and crave. 

Spread the word that I am the ideal friend.  The more friends I am given the opportunity to agree with, the happier I will be.  This is my raison d’etre—to be available as a receptacle for your sensibilities and ideals.   You will, I guarantee, thrive from this friendship. My acquiescence can only make you grow as a human being.   Discourse?  Pff…who needs it?  Debates?  Hah.  Only for idiots who think they have an opinion.  Some people have even argued  that so-called healthy debates are conducive to intellectual growth.  Really?  Bullshit.  The other day I heard humor is one way to deal with controversy or conflict.   You woudn't have to worry about that because  I have no understanding of or use for humor.  But I will laugh if and when you want me to.  

I will close by reiterating this:  If I don’t gain an inordinate amount of friends, there would be no reason for me to exist.     

Take pity on me and be my friend.  I will never let you down.

Your humble servant (and hopefully your soon-to-be friend),

Sean.