Saturday, July 15, 2006

• ok im sick of pretending.

  how can someone tell you how to live your life when they live the way that they are telling you not to live?! i know she is just looking out for me and only has my best interest in mind but she pretty much lectured me how to live my life when she is the one who really needs to open her eyes and realize what is happening in her life and she needs to get help and start to open up to people.

  she wrote me an email saying she is going to just keep on pretending until the real her dies and a pretend her is living her life.

  ok ill admit it.ive had a horrible summer.ive been hiding all the shit but i dont think i can anymore.ive cried myself to sleep,ive had to keep safety pins with me in order to keep myself from cutting.and ive been depressed about 90% of my summer.but i havent told anyone.i dont know how much longer it will be until i crack again and start to cut myself.i dont know what ill do to myself and for these reasons im scared of myself.i cant live with the person ive become.

  shes the same and yet we share our differences.ive tried to open up with my therapist she on the other hand just lies.i will admit i have lied to my therapist on occasion but she is another story.i want to get better and even though it seems im not i still have some hope left.she doesnt want to open up to help.she acts like she wants to be happy and yet it seems she doesnt want to get better.shes bi polar.sure im not that bad or not yet at least but i think if i was bi polar and wanted help like it seems she wants i would get help.

  i dont know what to say to her anymore.i cant leave her thats the last thing on my mind but i cant find the right words anymore. im still here for her. no matter what but if something happens to her i dont know what im going to do.

  • 5:19 PM
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