So, a few days ago, when I posted my pic blog, I was annoyed. Well, I'm not annoyed anymore, so I suppose I can blog now. I saved all my annoying stuff for the private blog. That is usually my venting place. I actually feel pretty refreshed.

Yesterday, I went to go visit some family members I hadn't seen in a long time. For so long, I have been so closed off to them. These particular family members have done nothing to me, but after my grandma died, I lost contact with a lot of them. I went and saw my great-aunt, Wanda (aka grandma too). She really is my favorite of the bunch. She always has been. I saw my aunt and her kids as well. It's been so, so long since I saw them. My little cousin who is 12, Venus, opened the door and didn't know who I was. Yep, it's been that long since I've seem them. Her older brother didn't know who I was either. Lol. Ah, but the oldest sister remembered me, of course, we spent plenty of time together when she was little. I was after all her babysitter. It was a bittersweet moment to see her yesterday, she is heading back to Indiana today to work for the summer and the will be attending Indiana University in the fall with a full ride scholarship. Her major? Possibly Environmental Science. Her grandma asked yesterday what that meant, I said, "Money." Ha! I'm proud of her, but wished I could of had more time to spend with her. But, she has Myspace...as do I, such a way to keep in contact. :) I had some revelations yesterday, I wished I could turn back time that I was out of their life. See, before I was a Christian, I was a hateful person, and I never hated these people, but when my grandma died, I became that hateful person. I was mad at the world, the family, because she died. I just wish I could of been there while they were growing up. Now that they, as well as some other cousins, nieces, nephews are back in my life, I am determined to be a part of their lives as much as I can. I am determined that Paige (my great niece) knows who I am, knows Aunt Brandy.  

And then...there's this other issue. I've known something for 20 years, it's a big family secret, but I know it. The person who needs to know, doesn't have a clue. This secret involves me and lately, it's really been eating away at me. I promised my grandmother I would never say anything to this person, and even though she's gone, I can't break that promise. But it is literally eating away at me. It has to with my other family here (aunt, uncle, cousin). I have been drifting away from them for so long because of this secret. It makes me not want to talk to them, and I know if I confronted the issue face to face with her, it would break her heart. A month or so ago, I choose to take the cowardly way and put it in a letter and dropped it in the mail. During this time she was in the hospital. I'm guessing one of two things happened, she never got the letter at all, or her husband got the letter, and didn't give it to her. *Sigh* I was trying to avoid the whole confrontation thing, but here it is back on my plate. I talked to my aunts yesterday about it, trying to make them understand the struggles I am going through. I can keep a secret, but this is a big secret and I've held it for 20 years, more than half of my life, it's becoming too much. She said everyone knew about it, except for him and my other aunt didn't want him to know. I go over to this other aunt's house yesterday...he answered the door. I saw my uncle as well, I could barely look him in the eye. Something tells me he got that letter, I feel it in my gut. I visited with my aunt for 30 minutes while she gave me the guilt trip for not calling her. I apologized and told her I was a horrible niece. But couldn't bring up the issue as to why I hadn't called...it's because I know. Her health is not good, and I can't bring myself to say something to her in fear she might have a heart attack or something.  So, what's a girl to do in this situation? I don't know what God wants me to do, I wish He would just spell it out.

Also, as of late I've had something put on my heart. Not quite sure what to do with it. But next summer, I might be taking a missions trip somewhere...alone, to an undisclosed place (for right now). I need to get out and experience the world for myself. Don't give me all the "blahs" about traveling alone. I have been out of the country on trips a few times with the church, I even led a trip. I think I can handle myself. And I talked to someone about it, the finances that would be involved (which I don't have), she was really encouraging. I know she would give me every cent if I asked, but we decided that I could possibly send out letters to raise financial support like I do when I go on trips with the church. I am going to pray about it and see if that is what God really wants me to do, or if I'm just jumping the gun. I am giving myself till January to figure this out (a long time, I know), but I want to have every detail worked out, if this is what God wants me to do, then will start raising funds in January for a summer trip.

Ah, but I shall depart you now, I must start work!

Have a fantastic day basking in God's love!

Brandy

Quotes of the day: "Secrets are made to be found out with time." Charles Stanford

"Cherish your human connections - your relationships with friends and family." Barbara Bush

So, Sunday is Mother's Day. Not really one of my favorite holidays. As most of you know, I have "mom" issues, so I don't really even celebrate this day. Mother's Day will mark one year since I have spoken to my mother. My last phone call to her on Mother's Day last year consisted of her asking me what I wanted when I called, my response was "Uh...Happy Mother's Day?" She promptly told me that she was busy and hung up the phone. Okay, so I haven't spoken to her since. She's pushed me away, even though I tried not to let her, and honestly my life is less complicated with her in it. Now, you don't know the whole story, and I'm not going to go into it, so don't assume you do know and give me issues about not speaking to my mother anymore. Sorry, if I am coming off rude, but it's the truth. Very few people actually know the entire story, most can see why I don't talk to her, some can't. In the time she was in my life, I would try to be the good daughter and send her cards for this day, her birthday, Christmas or just because. Yesterday as I was glancing over the Mother's Day cards for my "surrogate" mom, I was brought back to a place where I would try to find a card for my mother during those 4 years. It was a bittersweet moment as I won't be sending anymore to her, but I also remembered how hard it was to find a card for her. The good ones always said something like, "Mother, you've been such an inspiration to me." or "Mother, you've raised me to be a wonderful woman." or "Mother, I don't know where I would be if it weren't for you." You know...things I really can't relate to and would always settle for a generic card. I hated buying cards for her, I really did. Sometimes even buying cards for my dad became grueling, although he was somewhat in my life growing up. Hallmark should have a section for me and other people, titled "There's a Little Disfunctional Family in All of Us", I could even write cards for them. I bet I would make money,lots of it!!!

In the past year, I've been slowly learning about how to let my friend's mom love me, be my mother figure, learning to open up to her more. It has not been easy for me, due to my part and being stubborn, and desperately wanting that affection from my actual mother that I was getting from her. Reazling that I will never receive the affection from my mom that I receive from my surrogate mom. And learning to accept that, be grateful for that, realizing how blessed I am by God to have her in my life, here in Arizona. And when I don't see my friend for a few weeks, I really miss him, but you know what, I really miss his family as well, especially his mom. I made myself a part of the family whether my friend wanted me to or not.  I mean seriously...she's got a house full of men (hubby and two sons with another son out of state), she needs another woman around as her daughter in law lives out of state as well, to help balance out the family.  Every once in awhile we have some girl time and just go to As You Wish and paint. We both love that. That reminds me, we are so overdue for a girl day.

I know I have told her this, and I will tell her again and again: Kathy, you're the best mom and I love you! I can't begin to explain how you have helped me this year, helped me grow, helped me find myself a little more. You believe in me and encourage me and inspire me to be a better woman.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms!

Quotes of the day: "Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs...since the payment is pure love." ~Mildred B. Vermont

"A mother's love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible." ~Marion C. Garretty

So, not that this is a big deal to my Xanga readers, but I've put my site on Xanga lock. Today as I was checking my email, I got a message from Xanga saying someone replied to a comment I left on someone's site. This person replied to me and other women who commented on the site and just left a creepy message, the exact same message for all of us.

Here is a copy of what he replied to me and like 4 other women: "hello how are u doing today , i am male on checking out of the profile of who is online i saw your lovely pix and that u look like an angel to me and your love face captivate my interest alot if u dont mind me sending u this u this mail .hope to hear from u soon"    

I got an email from the person whose site I left a comment at, regarding his comment saying she's blocked this person. Well, I've blocked him as well after I went to his site and called him a creep. In my experience with "psycho", you can never be to cautious. I've recently made my Myspace private with a picture of me without my face showing due to this said stalker I once had. But, now....I've had to make Xanga private. Which, sucks, because there are a lot of people who read it that don't have Xanga, like my sister, coworker, and some other friends. Oh well, life goes on.

Seriously? Does this guy have NOTHING better to do with his time than to bother women on Xanga? Doesn't he have a life or something? I'm not on Xanga looking for love, especially on other people's sites. It's just creepy. He's just creepy. And I'm so over creepy men bothering me. And looking at my list of blocked users, congrats to you Mr. Creepy Creepster, you've just earned the title of being the first and only person to be blocked from my Xanga in the three years I've had the account. Well, done, sir. Creep.

P.S. Not that he can see this blog because he's blocked, but just venting.