Wednesday, April 30, 2008
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Oh man...
Have you ever done something and the time you didn't realize you did it? I don't intentionally set out to hurt people's feelings. I used to, but I'm a different person now. I try to make the conscious effort not to hurt anyone, but today I was brought to tears at the realization of something I had done back in January. My friend had sent me a link to her private blog to share our weight loss experience, she had previously given me this link, but I was having trouble pulling it up. I kept forgetting to tell her about the problems I was having. She emailed the link today and I figured while I had time, I would read some of her blog, a few posts back, I read one about me. What I did was stupid, you may not think it's a big thing...but my friends are very important to me. Minus a few family members, they're pretty much the only thing I have. Instead of helping this friend, I choose to hang out with another friend. I know, stupid and childish, right? I just wasn't thinking and my head at the time was very clouded with something. I didn't think anything of it, but I was putting my needs above her needs. And I shouldn't of done that. She told never told me she was angry at me, but she was...maybe she still is. I'm not sure. It hurts my heart to know that she might be still angry with me or was ever angry with me in the first place. I consider a very close friend, one of the few I actually trust. I read this very early this morning and she's quite busy, so I sent her an email profusely apologizing for my actions. I just felt horrible, I still feel horrible. I can't believe I did that and she may never trust me the same way again.
Has your head ever become so clouded that you sometimes can't even think straight? This one thing, or many things...clouds your thoughts, blurs your vision. Why do we let ourselves get like that? Why? If I would of kept my eyes focused on God, I would not let my thoughts get so clouded like they have. Sometimes it becomes so much that I can't even manage to sort through all the junk and find Brandy. As days go by, I am learning more about God, more about his love, more about his grace. And yes, after 7 years of walking with God, I still haven't surrendered to him. I mean, I've surrendered some things, but not everything. Why can't I let this go? Why can't I let that go? Why don't I fully surrender 100% to God? I think a lot of it is my independency. I was raised to be very independent and to never let anyone take care of me. There are very few people I depend on because so many people have let me down. And it's taken me awhile to depend on those people for small things. I should be dependent on God, let him take care of me, love on me and shower me with his grace and mercy. I'm working on it, but not fully there.
Oh by the way....my friend just texted me and said, "Te amo, chica." Glad to know she still loves me and she's not angry with me anymore.*Grin* "Y te amo también."
Gotta go shower, I honestly stink something fierce. But it's a good thing that I smell, because that smell came from the sweat of taking a very fast walk around the canal which I've done three times this week. Hooray!
Quote of the day: "A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle." Benjamin Franklin
"At the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees, and I'm so lost for words, so in love, sweetly broken, wholly surrendered."
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Comments (6)
I liked how you tagged God. :P
My head is always clouded. I think it's from the blonde hair.....
Brandy you're the sweetest.
=)
Oh that is hard isn't it? I had a similar situation a few months back....not realizing that I had hurt a friend. It makes you feel like crap doesn't it? Glad you've made up though!
Go you for your walking!!!!
This was all very innocent. You never meant to hurt anyone nor did you set out and choose one friend over the other. You were with a "friend" because, Lord knows, you wanted to be there and you probably enjoyed yourself. Don't beat yourself up by even thinking you made the poor choice. Now how's this for turning it around: Your friend should have called you and discussed it with you....but she didn't....and now you don't know if she is your friend anymore? You know Brandi, in friendships...that relationship is a two way street...it has to be that way. There are ups and downs and friends actually discuss their troubles and disappointments...even in each other....and they resolve it.
True story: I used to visit a "friend" in her home because I understood and took into consideration, she worked at business all day long. I visited at least once a week and often, twice a week. However, she never shut her phone off and continued to do business in the evening. She doesn't need to work but she is high energy type and does buisness over the phone till 10:00 p.m. just about all the time. Sundays are no different, except when she is in Church. I always called before I went over...I did not want to disturb or interefere with her business. BUT..she would say...I'll shut the phone off...and she never did. This went on for 15 years and her husband was absolutely disgusted and I began to get that way too. There was no time...which he wanted....for him, let alone anyone visiting. So...approximately twice a week I'd actually visited him, for awhile. The last time I was in her home was March 27th, 2007. After about 70 minutes of visiting with her husband...again...she got off the phone as I was leaving. I told her she always seemed to be "too" busy and that I felt like an interference. She protested and gave me the usual lame excuse. I didn't buy it anymore. I wasn't angry..just resolved. When I came home I told Jim I wasn't going to Jeans' anymore because she "never" takes the time to nurture, develope or consider "friends" because it's always business first. I also told him I left her with this statement, "call me when you have the time to have girlie-girl talk" and we will make a date." I haven't heard from her since because it was ME who kept the fire of friendship going and when I stopped...the fire went out. However, she has seen and spoken to Jim on occassion and she actually asked Jim if I were depressed because I "used" to be social! Now...if that isn't shifting the blame well God didn't make little green apples.
Oh, I hate it when I do something like that without intending or realizing it.
So glad that your friend stayed your friend. That is the mark of a true friend.
I like the quote from Benjamin Franklin that you added at the end.
It's funny...
I was just listening to and praying to God a Lifehouse song called Breathing... It's about being totally wrapped up in Him..
"I am hanging
On every word You say
And even if You don't want to speak tonight
That's alright
Alright with me
Cuz I want nothing more
Than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to You breathing
That's where I want to be"
Oh Bran... that kind of selfless, focussed desire... That's what I so want. For both of us!
I love how tender your heart is for your friends.