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irikchitine
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Name: Cat
Birthday: 2/15/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: God, singing, electric guitar, music in general, drawing, running, song-writing, the Goo Goo Dolls, climbing trees, dancing, shopping, playing Apples to Apples, watching movies, hanging out with friends, chocolate.
Expertise: singing, melodrama, angst, guitar, i lose at this game.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  irikchitine
Member Since:
8/30/2003
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| it's about time...
So I found out that I have PMDD. At least, that's the preliminary diagnosis. It could be something else.
For those of you who don't know, PMDD is a more intense, serious form
of PMS. However, while PMS is usually caused by the slight upset
in the balance of female hormones right before our periods, PMDD is a
much larger hormonal imbalance that kicks in one to two weeks before
the period begins. The most common symptoms are heightened
feelings of despair, helplessness, hopelessness, and overall
depression.
It's kind of nice to know that my monthly bouts of extreme depression
have a diagnosable reason, that I'm not just crazy or unable to cope
with life because I'm weak. I don't want to be weak; who
does? But when every single month, for a week or longer, you
can't find a single reason to enjoy life or to want to continue living,
you want to know why it seems so much harder for you to deal with
obstacles that you know are small while everyone else gets past them
easily and without comment. You wonder if something is causing
it, and during the two weeks every month when you don't feel like
everything is falling to pieces, you think back to the black periods
and realize that really, your life isn't so terrible. But the
next time the cycle begins, everything seems wrong, and even the small
things become impossible, and you wonder if maybe things ARE as bad as
they seem. It's horrible. You think you're going crazy, and
you don't understand why no one else can see how awful your life
is.
But when you know that something is causing it, and that it's
treatable...well, I felt a sort of release. Praise be to God, I'm
not psychotic. Thank goodness, now I can tell my mom and my
friends and my boyfriend that the psychopath who emerges in my form for
a week or two every month is not actually me, it's a ball of miswired
and misfired hormones. And they can be more patient with you,
because now they know that you've been fighting against something
unfightable for God knows how many years, that you really are making an
effort, that you don't mean to explode for no reason or cry
uncontrollably for hours. It doesn't make it any easier to
resist, but at least they know.
And you know what else? I don't want to be given any more
unnecessary difficulties. Until I start treatment for my
condition, since guess what, I have a CONDITION now, not simply a weak
mind, I don't want people to tell me to try not to be so selfish.
I don't want people to tell me that the things I find so difficult are
actually great opportunities that I shouldn't pass up. I don't
want people to tell me, Yeah, it's difficult, but suck it up. I
don't want to hear any more of your passive-aggressive attacks on my
insecurity because you're angry at my reaction to the mistakes YOU
made. Because I am struggling enough dealing with the demons in
my own head, demons whose existence someone else, someone with years of
study and an M.D., finally confirms. I have heard all the advice
that anyone can give. The only weapon that I don't have yet is a
prescription.
So if you know anyone else who has PMDD or something like it, don't
give them crap about not being able to control themselves or some such
nonsense. Don't give them advice, because unless they've caught
it extremely early, chances are they've been wrestling with it for
years and have heard everything that you can say.
And I MUST get this figured out before I go to Russia. I refuse to spend half of my time abroad in misery.
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| is it supposed to get better? you're supposed to feel better,
right? after a while? you just get used to not being able
to pick up the phone and call him.
i really hope so because it sucks right now.
i honestly don't think i will be able to get through four months of
this in Russia. i mean i'm a wreck right now, and we've only been
apart for three weeks. and he is in London, but not for nearly as
long as i'll be gone. and i don't think i can do it.
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| so i feel sufficiently emo enough to make another post here.
i don't like working. or at least, not at this sort of job.
it kinda sucks the life out of you. i mean i guess it's better
than some, and it's definitely better than inhaling dust and paint
fumes and crouching around toilets in bathroom stalls, like last
summer. but i wake up early, which is not my thing, and go to
work where the only way i can stay awake is to drink a lot of coffee
and eat a lot of sugar. this keeps me awake but wreaks havoc on
my system so i feel like crap. and my predecessor left a whole
bunch of crap for me to deal with. woo. at least i can walk
around outside the office, since i have to go to a bunch of different
places to collect things.
but i'm tiiiiiired. all the time. and if i don't act like
it, it's because the caffeine is still keeping me awake.
michael is now in London. he will be in London until August 3rd,
upon which date he will be with me in Houston. that's only six
weeks, i can do that right? wrong. stephen said i've been
emo since michael left, and i guess he was right, 'cause i'm about
ready to paint my walls black and write sad songs in my journal.
i'm really not going to survive Russia. four months??? no
way. i don't want to go.
oh, speaking of Russia, i have to get my passport by--July 1st.
which is less than a week away. i have an appointment at the
passport agency tomorrow so hopefully we will get this all figured out,
but i have to leave work for like 2 hours to take care of it. and
i don't know how the people at work are going to take that, because i
was too busy to fill out an "i need time out" form today.
DID I MENTION I MISS MICHAEL. 
ok excuse me while i go do emo things, like cry and paint a picture using my tears. no i'm j/k.
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| oooooook!
i'm back in black.
and by that i mean i'm back in Houston.
i miss michael something fierce. i woke up this morning and
realized that i couldn't go to the next room over and tickle michael
awake.
i am totally psyched about seeing my peeps in H-town though. this
had better be the best summer ever, because then i'm going to the block
of ice known as Russia. assuming something doesn't go
wrong. which is a big assumption.
oohhhh boy.
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| "Fine" is always a lie.i am still in a bad way.
i want to get rid of all this and start over.
i have spent the last three and a half hours crying. i can't make
the tears stop. i started a little after 2, tried going to bed
around 4:30, then woke up six hours later and started crying
again. and i couldn't go back to sleep.
i don't want this anymore. everything is so messed up in my head.
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