I never realized how lonely it would be living with two people I spend a good majority of my time with. I never knew I could feel so isolated. I could go out and do something, but what? What would I do? Who could I see? Where would I go? I don't really have a lot of friends in the area. It's sad but very true. I have people I can hang out with here; it's not as if I know no one at all. I'm just not as close with people as I originally thought I was. I like the privacy for the most part, but I'm still getting used to it. It's hard living so quietly and going to work where solitude is a given because of training and the lack of students during the summer. It's actually surprising how many customers we may get in one day... Anyway, I wish I had someone to talk to. I have people, but they aren't the people I really want to be talking to. It's silly, I know. I suppose Carly Simon had it right:
You never really know what you've got 'til it's gone. I'm not going to say that I want it back right at this moment because
I'm not even sure. It's nice having a break and taking a breath. It's like a burden was lifted from my shoulders, leaving me hollow instead of whole. I said I would be okay. I said that I would learn to deal with it, and I am. I can't take that back. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. The very first time he and I separated, I lost my breath for a few seconds. I was confused and guilty because I knew it was my fault, but I thought there might be a another chance for me. I didn't realize that the second chance would come two years later. Now that I'm here, at the end of a year and a half of the opportunity, I'm lost again. I sit at my desk, unsure of what I'm doing next and what I should accomplish. I feel more poor than I have ever felt before. It's not that I don't have money, which I don't. It is simply the fact that he and I shared something special to me. Our relationship was something of value. It was the thing I valued more than anything else. I could see him and me and look at myself with confidence. I honestly feel like a part of me that made me worthwhile is gone. I've been trying so hard to mask my emotions and my inhibitions so that no one will know. In many ways, I've never let anyone else carry my burdens. I keep my problems to myself because I feel like my problems are my own and that it shouldn't be up to someone else to help me come to terms with my misgivings. I guess what it has really come down to is the fact that I've been angry at him for shouldering his own burden when I could never let him help me carry mine. For how much I trust and love him, it really doesn't seem fair anymore. And so, I wait.
Comments (1)
I do believe that it was you who told me that there was no sense losing myself to a boy. And now, I suppose I'm regurgitating this statement to you. I know that it's probably a lot easier said than done, but you really seem like a strong person.
I think it's a great thing that you're able to look back on your relationship and realize how valuable it was to you. Not many people can do that. And although it's absent in your life now, you have to remember that you're a worthwhile human being just being yourself.
Just remember that you're never really alone. There's a lot more around you than you may notice. Friends, spirits, hope... All accomplices in life.
So keep on walking, Chrissy. I hope you feel better.